Dealing with DH colleague affair

[RosieLig]

I need some perspective on this as it's causing arguments between me and DH.

He works for a small company and has done for 20 years. One of his colleagues who we are friends with had an affair last year and has left his wife and kids for the OW. He is now working in a different branch and so I've not seen him since.

I am pretty good friends with the wife. She is a lovely woman and I have known her a long time, been on work nights and weekends away, seen their kids grow up.

The OW is tagging him on Facebook and is now planning to come to a work night away. I am really struggling with this. I feel so sad for my friend and angry at the insensitivity of this pair. My husband gets cross with me, he needs to work with him, we need to move on blah blah ....

Any words of advice?

[RosieLig]

Thanks all. Really appreciate it. I've decided not to go to this dinner-it's tricky with kids/work anyway. I will go next time as I love his colleagues and we have a lot of fun. Hopefully by then I'll feel less mad/sad. I'll stay away from fb too. My husband is refusing to talk to me about it now which is probably a good thing as I'm winding us both up about it. I need to take a step back.

[Theimpossiblegirl]

I don't think I would want to be friends with people who were sneaky and dishonest either, OP. Having an affair is hardly a recommendation for good character. A decent person would be honest and end a relationship, not cheat.

Be busy or be civil, but no nice chit-chats, no being FB friends or getting caught in selfies, there's nothing wrong with being loyal to your friend as long as things aren't made awkward for your DH at work.

[jammydodgersss]

I agree with you. If it was a friend of mine I would ignore OW! Do what you feel, totally up to you.

[Thymeout]

I will always be grateful to the colleague of my exDH who wrote to me in similar circumstances. We'd shared several social occasions and, presumably, she felt she knew me well enough to know I wasn't 'a complete nut-job, who went for him daily with carving knives and lived life through a gin bottle'.

Op is a 'pretty good' friend of the wife and the families have been close. She's watched her kids grow up. It's good to hear she hasn't dropped her like a hot potato so as not to make things awkward for her husband at work.

I think you'll have to go, Op, but your friend will understand. Do any of the other wives feel like you?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Everyone has the right to end a relationship that isn't working for them, for whatever reason. It's not great to start the next relationship before exiting the old one, but it happens - sometimes because the previous one was so awful that it was only through meeting the new person that the leaver got the strength to leave.

It's up to OP whether she wants to stay in contact with the dumped wife but she doesn't get to tell her H how to manage his friendships, nor does she get to stick her beak in to what the other work colleagues' social arrangements are. OP is not relevant to the work social culture, any more than dumped wife is. Workplace social events are not about placating the partners (or ex partners) of the actual employees.

[Justoneme]

I get that ... have a conversation with your friend and explain you are going to a social event where the OW will be attending too ... be up front.... but if your friend makes you feel like you have to take side ... step away from her ... that behaviour is controlling and dangerous and don't get involved x

[Ilovelblue]

It's true that you never know what goes on behind closed doors and you only get to hear what the injured party/parties want you to know. It is very difficult, however, to remain impartial when a couple split up and it seems to me (from experience) that people take one side or the other. As others have said, I would be civil to this woman and polite but there's no need to go any further than that. If it's a big enough group, you should be able to get away without too much conversation.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

There's some bullshit spouted on threads.

Rosie. It's hard when someone you like gets hurt by a cheating bastard. Keep up your friendship with his ex if you want to & you don't have to be nice to him or the OW. Be civil or blank them. Your choice. Your DH can choose to ignore this blokes shitty behaviour towards his Ex, it doesn't mean you have to.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

Justoneme......no.....you leave.....before starting a relationship with someone else. Common sense really

[FitBitFanClub]

I have an issue with the "just move on" view. It's a useful way of persuading people (with decent and caring feelings of loyalty to their friends) to shut the fuck up and forget about those inconvenient reminders of bad behaviour.

[JamesBlonde1]

She's your friend. If this happened to my friend I'd have nothing to do with the OW. My DH could do what he wanted but I wouldn't socialise with her.

I suppose it depends how close your friendship is.

[RosieLig]

Justoneme-I do get your point. It's just hard seeing my friend sad that's all.

[PandorasXbox]

No we don’t know any of that splinterz but I’m hazarding a guess the OP does what with her knowing the wife and all that.

[Justoneme]

Funny ....so you think someone should stay in a relationship when they are unhappy?

How would you feel about the OW if they had got together after the marriage had ended ...? What would be acceptable for you ... a week... a month ... a year ... yes let's all plan are relationships around the views of you...

But than again would you believe it when they came "out"

[RosieLig]

splinterz- you're way off!

[GoingIn]

If I was in Ops position, I would let the dust settle for a while and wait for my emotions to cool down before even attempting to socialise with them.

[Splinterz]

Shame he didn't leave before shagging the other woman if his marriage was so fundamentally flawed

He's not here to corroborate the OPs second hand story gleened via her DH. We don't know if the wife was a complete nutjob who went for him daily with carving knives and lived life through a gin bottle any more than we know he's a rampant and ardent philanderer, cutting a swathe through the in coming deliveries department.

As I said, healthy marriage don't fail.

[RosieLig]

Haha-loving the "tough love" responses. Not sure I agree but quite refreshing to hear! 😳😆

[PurpleMinionMummy]

Shame he didn't leave before shagging the other woman if his marriage was so fundamentally flawed

[VladmirsPoutine]

Stop making it about you.

[Splinterz]

What other side of the story is important?

It's no one elses business. Sadly, it's a ridiculously British trait to be obsessed about other peoples sex lives.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Meh !
Yanbu to feel this way OP

Compeletrly normal

[Justoneme]

Life moves on ...

I really can't understand why people act this way ... your DP work colleague wasn't happy so left his wife .... so you preferred him to stay in an unhappy relationship so it wouldn't affect your social life ... behave ...

[RosieLig]

Thanks Reanimated-no stirring or whining here 😆

[PandorasXbox]

Two sides to every story? He had an affair and left his wife and dc. What other side of the story is important?