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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a phone conversation with an ex

29 replies

Sparklesdontshine · 04/11/2017 21:11

Yesterday my ex of over 20 years phoned me and we had a 10 minute chat. The context of this being our children are dating, and we had a bit of a catch up about family, the fact we are old enough to have children dating Shock and how we were. Over the years I have had sporadic contact with him as we are still local to each other.

My husband has completely lost the plot, saying I was neglectful of his feelings and left him “sat in the other room waiting”.

My husband was putting dd to bed when ex phoned, i immediately told him who it was afterwards, and thought nothing of it.

Dh has spent the last 24 hours pretty much ignoring me, and making passive aggressive remarks.

I genuinely don’t understand the problem, I have never given him reason to doubt me, we have been married forever, have children etc Confused

I have asked him to explain to me In idiot terms what I have done wrong, and he keeps saying he has already told me, and the fact that I still won’t accept and apologise how out of order I am, is making him even more angry.

I usually end up bowing down to him just to keep the peace, but I honestly don’t think I have done anything wrong Sad

Am I missing something, aibu and a bitch?

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 04/11/2017 21:16

I usually end up bowing down to him just to keep the peace.

Sounds like you haven't done anything wrong, but that you would still usually apologise, and he can't work out why he can't bully you into kowtowing this time.

Original poster
Sparklesdontshine · 04/11/2017 21:21

Yes, but he’s making out that I have really done something wrong, and all I did was have a phone call Confused

It’s such a horrible atmosphere, and I really don’t want to say sorry as I genuinely don’t feel like I have done wrong!

He can be really high maintenance, but this just seem such a non issue

OP posts:
SparklyLeprechaun · 04/11/2017 21:21

I go for a coffee with one of my exes every time I go to my home town, DH doesn't blink an eye. Don't let dh bully you into apologising.

TheNaze73 · 04/11/2017 21:29

Your DH is embarrassing himself

backinthatdress · 04/11/2017 21:32

Sounds abit random for your ex to ring you for what seems like no reason?

But your dh is over reacting massively! Man child.

PenelopeStoppit · 04/11/2017 21:34

You haven't done anything wrong at all and he is in the wrong however you have two choices; stand your ground and let it cause a bad atmosphere or say sorry and have a quiet life. Your choice should depend on whether he is normally a bully and if he is are you ready to take a stand? Otherwise it is a case of picking your battles wisely, understanding his ego has been hurt (however misplaced this is) and apologising so you can move on. Could be an issue though if you have to have more contact due to dating children.

Scrowy · 04/11/2017 21:36

I think finding out that your child is dating the child of one of your exes is a pretty good reason to call actually back

I mean how freaky is that!

Jenala · 04/11/2017 21:36

I see my ex for lunch and a catch up every time he is back in town. I also visit his parents every now and then (separately)
Usually see him only once or twice a year but my DP doesn't care at all. Your DH is being unreasonable.

Grilledaubergines · 04/11/2017 21:36

Seriously, your DH is being a dick and sounds insecure. Do people really object to contact with an ex? Well I guess the answers yes but it baffles me. You don’t have to hate an ex.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 04/11/2017 21:37

He’s sounds pathetically insecure, jealous, immature and controlling. A bad combination, generally. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Scrowy · 04/11/2017 21:39

Your name isn't Lily Rhodes/ Van Der Woodson/ Bass/ is it op?

Ex isn't called Rufus by any chance? Grin

Because if this is actually Gossip Girl then your husband is right to be worried...

Original poster
Sparklesdontshine · 04/11/2017 21:41

Not gossip girl Grin

The reason why he phoned was he had just picked his dd up from ours, and didn’t want me to think him rude as he didn’t pop in to say hello

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 04/11/2017 21:43

Scrowy - Grin

afrikat · 04/11/2017 21:44

He's being ridiculous. I hear from 2 of my exes fairly regularly and my husband couldn't care less

LazyArseAvocado · 04/11/2017 21:45

Omg you're absolutely not in the wrong! My husband speaks regularly to his ex because he's got a kid with her and sometimes they'll talk about their mutual friends/acquaintances. We've been together for 13 years. They had a meal together three times in this time.

His insecurities are not your fault!

backinthatdress · 04/11/2017 21:46

Scrowy - how did I miss that ?! Haha... I read it as they were dating, didn't see the each other bit LOL

Still, you dh is being unreasonable!

BewareOfDragons · 04/11/2017 21:49

You're DH is ridiculous. Do not apologize. You haven't done anything wrong.

roconnell · 04/11/2017 21:51

YANBU
DH is being silly

GerdaLovesLili · 04/11/2017 22:00

YANBU. Your DH is over-reacting. (I went on holiday with my ex and the world completely failed to end. )

Original poster
Sparklesdontshine · 05/11/2017 11:02

He’s still not speaking to me.

I have just asked him if he wants to come out with me and the children, and he said that unTIL he has some recognition of how angry I have made him, and accepted that I should have made more efforts to make him feel better, he’s not going to speak with me.

Can’t believe that my marriage is potentially going to end over a completely innocent phone call

OP posts:
Neverender · 05/11/2017 11:06

I’d laugh and go out. Or maybe ask why he feels so insecure?

Neverender · 05/11/2017 11:07

I’m pretty sure your marriage won’t end over this. It sounds more like he thinks he got a valid reason to be cross and so is almost enjoying this and that he can be ‘right’...he’s not.

hmmwhatatodo · 05/11/2017 11:11

I think you need to ask yourself what other sorts of things he is ‘high maintenance’ about.

kittytom · 05/11/2017 11:14

My ex randomly called me recently. DH wasn't bothered in the slightest. I was, because mine appeared to be checking up on my relationship status and then carried on calling (which I ignored). DH still wasn't bothered. If it had been a normal catch up, like yours was, I might have carried on doing so occasionally and DH wouldn't have been bothered. If my DH had acted like your DH I would have thought he was being childish and immature and it would have really surprised me because like you there is no reason for jealousy. Like you I felt that telling him sufficed! I think you should just go out and have a nice day and let him sulk if he wants to. You haven't done anything wrong. Is he trying to apportion blame for some other reason? Does he have a need to feel 'in the right' to justify something? Very weird behaviour in a long term relationship with kids imo!

BewareOfDragons · 05/11/2017 12:19

he said that unTIL he has some recognition of how angry I have made him, and accepted that I should have made more efforts to make him feel better, he’s not going to speak with me.

"Right then. Since you've clearly completely lost the plot, I suggest you write down the name of your solicitors office so I can have mine contact them and we can let them wrap up this marriage. I can't be married to someone who would behave in this abusive manner. I have done nothing to deserve it, and I will not be emotionally blackmailed into saying that I have. If you can't behave like a grown up, then I don't want you here."

He is responsible for his own feelings. Not you.

And refusing to talk to you is abuse, emotional abuse. ANd he's blackmailing you into admitting wrongdoing when you have done nothing wrong. You have got to nip this and not cave.