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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I don't have a favourite child?

34 replies

emma2468 · 02/11/2017 16:40

Recent study says parents do
www.babble.com/parenting/parents-have-favorite-children-study/

With this in the back of my mind my daughter (nearly 5) asked me who my favourite child was. I laughed and said I don't have one. My son (7) joined in and said yes you do.

I then asked them did they really think I did and who do they think it is? My son said resolutely that his sister was my favourite.

I always treat them evenly with both time and money.

My daughter is higher maintenance and very in your face whereas son is more laid back but still very chatty.

They both have amazing qualities and annoying ones equally!!

So do parents really have a favourite and do they subconsciously show it?

PS I would swear my younger brother was my parents favourite 🤣🤣

OP posts:

Topseyt · 02/11/2017 16:54

My parents didn't have a favourite, and even now that we are both adults are always even handed between my sister and I.

I don't have a favourite either. I hope my three DDs agree. I like to be even handed. They are all different though, and as such I relate to them all differently.

My MIL had a clear favourite out of her three. It was as obvious as hell, and certainly wasn't DH. It did cause some resentment and was even noticed in the wider family, some of whom did mention it to us (when MIL wasn't there) because it made them uncomfortable and they felt bad for the ones left out by her.

MIL of course claimed to have no favourites and insisted that she was totally even handed.

ScipioAfricanus · 02/11/2017 16:57

My parents find my sister easier to deal with but I do think they love us equally. One of the reasons I am happy about having one DC is so that I don’t have to find out if I would prefer one child over another.

Inkandbone · 02/11/2017 16:58

My dad favoured me and my mum favoured my brother so it all worked out.

EdmundCleverClogs · 02/11/2017 17:07

My favourite child is the one that's leaving me alone .

In all seriousness though, my mother always said I was her favourite and meant it. It was part of the psychological abuse and a way to try and stop us siblings collectively thinking what a horrible parent she was (didn't work). She had a serious dislike for one of my sisters, is was a horrible jealousy - sister was/is everything our mother wanted to be, naturally popular, talented and beautiful. I also suspect my mother had untreated PND with her, she often said she didn't feel they ever 'bonded'.

My MiL would never admit she has a favourite, but it's absolutely obvious that she thinks of my partner as the Golden Child. Thinks everyone has somehow held him back in life and (genuinely said this) 'not appreciated his genius'. She didn't appreciate my laughter, or asking if this is the same 'genius' that once asked me how you boil pasta....

Basically, some parents do have favourites and when they make it obvious it can range from sad to very damaging.

ownedbySWD · 02/11/2017 17:10

I used to tell DS he was my favourite son. Then I had his little brother...!

In all seriousness, I do try quite hard to treat them fairly. I won't say equally, because they are different ages and need/require/are allowed different things. But it all evens out in the wash, I believe.

DaisysStew · 02/11/2017 17:10

I think on some level all parents will have a "favourite". I only have the one so have managed to avoid this dilemma.

Briette · 02/11/2017 17:14

Sometimes it’s more obvious from outside! DH and his sister both agree strongly that DH was MIL’s favourite; she insists she always treated them absolutely equally but even now DH gets the star treatment whenever he visits while his DS is treated like a maid.

I think the eldest tends to view the coddling the younger siblings gets through jaded eyes too. But it’s usually harmless. My DB and I each feel closest to a different parent; DF looked after me a lot when DM was busy with my demanding DB so we all ended up with slightly different relationships. Doesn’t affect our love for one another at all as adults.

Ellendegeneres · 02/11/2017 17:19

I love my eldest the most. He's so lovely and kind, chatty and helpful and sweet and caring.
But I love my youngest the most. He's such a snuggly little beast, so funny and cute and I want to breathe him in and savour every baby moment.
So in moments, I do have favourites. Right now both are calm and snuggly so they're both my favourite.
All I know for sure is, they are my favourite people ever. I adore every single part of them, being their mummy is the biggest joy. Apparently sometimes I'm their favourite too 🤗

Dieu · 02/11/2017 17:19

My parents' answer to us as kids: 'we don't have favourites. We hate you all equally'.

Witchend · 02/11/2017 17:24

I think that parents usually think they don't have a favourite-the children often think they do (A thinks B, B thinks C, C thinks A at times, and sometimes they're right).

I always wonder on here when people start talking about "golden child" how the rest of the family would view that. I suspect a fair number of "golden children" would turn round and say "no you were."

I know that when I do something for the youngest which I did for the others at that age, the older ones sometimes say something along the lines of "you would do it because he's the favourite". And when I allow the oldest to do something because they're older, the younger ones say "just because you love them more."
And interestingly I think that the middle one would be the first to claim a special relationship with me...

WhatwouldAryado · 02/11/2017 17:25

My two daughters vary between who they think I prefer (read favouring) so I think I am ok. My ex husband's ex sil has parents who announce their favourite each month still. Their daughters are in their 40's and physiologically crushed with no self confidence. You'd have to be pretty fucked up to think It's ok to behave like that.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 02/11/2017 17:26

It depends on the aspect you look at? Will they have a child they love more. Probably not. Will they have a child they like more. Probably. You don’t have to like (or even love) your kids/parents.
I think my mum prefers me as her and my sister have a personality clash but I don’t think she loves me any more than my sister

DramaAlpaca · 02/11/2017 17:27

My three boys all think they are my favourite.

I've even overheard them arguing about which one of them is my favourite, which amuses me.

I genuinely don't have a favourite, I love them all equally but differently.

ElphabaTheGreen · 02/11/2017 17:28

My favourite is whoever is pissing me off the least

DS1 is cleverer and more obedient. DS2 is funnier and more creative.

It’s comparing apples and pears, really.

CondimentQueen · 02/11/2017 17:42

@Ellendegeneres that’s so lovely and sums up exactly how I feel about my two. Only difference is I have two DDs!

BrandNewHouse · 02/11/2017 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3out · 02/11/2017 17:49

I don’t understand how anyone can have a favourite. I genuinely love them all equally, like them all equally and ocassionaly dislike them all equally.

However, I’m incredibly indecisive. Roast chicken, lamb or beef - how could I choose just one?!

BlurryFace · 02/11/2017 17:52

I don't have a favourite, DS1 is easier to manage due to DS2's sensory issues and being a year older but they are both lovely. Despite being only a year apart and being young they have very different personalities so it can be hard to cater to both.

My mum and dad have favourites. Mum's is DSis2 and dad's is DBro. It kind of sucked for me and DSis1 for a time, but there you go.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 02/11/2017 17:55

I remember someone asking my mum if she had a favourite grandchild. She said "Oh, whichever one I'm holding at the time!"
I don't have a favourite child. There have been times when one has been much easier to be around than the other, but no favourite. That way madness lies.

Floralnomad · 02/11/2017 17:55

I don’t have a favourite , mine are adults now and they would tell you that I prefer the dog . My parents definitely did not have a favourite , there were 3 of us , and for certain reasons they were scrupulously fair to ensure there were no favourites .

SaucyJack · 02/11/2017 17:57

No favourites here either.

I do tell DD2 that she's my favourite tho because she's the least trouble. Poor kid has a bad case of middle child syndrome, and she's the one that wants to hear that she's special.

mrsRosaPimento · 02/11/2017 18:00

I don’t have a favourite child. The dog is my favourite!

Hollyhop17 · 02/11/2017 18:02

My family is rife with favourites. I was never my parents or grandparents favourite. My MIL hugely favours my SIL over my DH and it appears to be transferring to her GC. I feel sad for my DS.

PhyllisWig · 02/11/2017 18:04

I find DD2 easiest. DH finds DD1 easiest so externally we may be perceived as having favourites.

However we love both dds equally.

I always thought DB was my parents favourite. He thought it was me. My DM says I’m her favourite daughter/baby. He was her favourite son/first born.

EllenJanethickerknickers · 02/11/2017 18:05

Goodness, I really don't think I have a favourite. DS1 is lovely, hard working and caring, DS2 is completely selfish but so vulnerable with his ASD and I feel so protective of him and DS3 is cute and funny in equal measure. I love them all dearly.

My mum had no favourite that I could work out. With my dad it was trickier, my brother and sister would have said I was his favourite and I think my sister was. It definitely wasn't my brother! I don't think we are scarred by it, we all loved them very much.

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