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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask "is flirting cheating"

43 replies

geekone · 02/11/2017 09:31

Now don't really post on here but recently had some text chat with an acquaintance of the opposite sex that I need to correspond with weekly. During part of our chat he got a little flirty (but in such a way that it could be laughed off if need be) it was not offensive and very complimentary. I am happily married and made sure that any chat from me after that was light, friendly and to the point, happy to stay friendly and flattered also by the attention but not stupid.
My question is though i can see how easy it would be to fall into the flirt trap, I have been with my DH for 20 years and the attention of another man could have easily turned my head even just to flirt back. I don't think flirting in general is cheating but I know that all roads lead to somewhere and things can spiral flattery is a beast and I would not be comfortable with DH overtly flirting with another woman but I wouldn't leave him for cheating either if he did.
BTW DH aware of received slightly flirty text and finds it amusing (maybe not if I had replied though I don't know Confused)

Anyway cheating or not that is the question 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
geekone · 02/11/2017 09:31

Sorry you all hate me know that was too long and had no paragraphs Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
geekone · 02/11/2017 09:31

Now not knowBlush

OP posts:
Mommasoph30 · 02/11/2017 10:00

i think it can be classed as emotional cheating if it carries on

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 02/11/2017 10:05

Everyone exhibits flirtatious behaviour. I sincerely doubt the bod on the green grocers market stall , when weighing me out a bag of spuds with his usual wink and “you look nice today darlin’ “ (bear in mind he’s about 12 years old) is trying to cop off and have an affair with a very harassed middle aged woman. Not all flirting is an entrée to sexual behaviour.

BoobleMcB · 02/11/2017 10:08

My OH says I flirt with anything - Man, Woman or Beast. That's just me. I don't actually realise I'm doing it most of the time, I'm just being friendly and am naturally a bit cheeky.

Is it even flirting if I'm not intending it to be? 🤔

WineAndTiramisu · 02/11/2017 10:12

I think there's a problem if you'd hide the messages etc from your DP/DH, or wouldn't want him to hear a conversation. That's where I'd draw the line

BastardGoDarkly · 02/11/2017 10:15

Don't say/type anything you wouldn't want your partner to hear/say. I think that's the crux.

BastardGoDarkly · 02/11/2017 10:16

^^see not say Hmm

Darlingsof · 02/11/2017 10:17

Not in our relationship. But people have different tolerances I suppose...

Laiste · 02/11/2017 10:20

Trying to define the word 'cheating' is going to be impossible because of all the variables of human nature and our lives.

Personally i'd only worry about activity which i know my DH wouldn't like and visa versa. Overstepping boundaries. That's what i'd call it.

MorrisZapp · 02/11/2017 10:22

Nah. I flirt outrageously at the work Christmas party, look forward to it all year. Then I go home to my lovely DP.

Everyone's different but to me, long term relationships would be like a prison if it meant never again enjoying attention from the opposite sex.

DP is a good looking guy, I imagine he does similar, and I hope he enjoys it.

PandorasXbox · 02/11/2017 10:23

My rule of thumb is would I mind if DH did it.

Original poster
geekone · 02/11/2017 11:02

Pandora me too that's is where I draw a line maybe even before this, It just got me to thinking how easy it would be to cross that line if you were having a bad day or your DH pissed you off then flattery.....

I have to say messages seem worse than flirting at a Christmas party though I would rather drink gin and dance than flirt at a world do but that may be due to the company lol

OP posts:
BeachyKeen · 02/11/2017 11:27

I too flirt with all things with a pulse, must how I'm made! I dont mean to , or even notice im doing it!
20 years married and still faithful to my dh tho

sweetbitter · 02/11/2017 12:37

I think the test of whether it's OK or not for me is that it doesn't lead anywhere and is just limited to occasional, non-sexually-overt verbal flirting.

As soon as it starts getting sexual or physical or "deep"/emotional, that's where the line is for me.

uncoolnn · 02/11/2017 12:50

For me, no. My DP flirts with anything and to be honest so do I. We trust each other Smile

HostaFireAndIce · 02/11/2017 12:59

I think it depends on the individuals. As a general rule, I would say it's not cheating, but it can be disrespectful. However I think, as pp have said, that some people are naturally very flirtatious in which case I'm not even sure it's disrespectful. I would be worried if DH were flirting though, but he's generally about as flirtatious as a stone, so I would think maybe there was something going on!

pinkliquorice · 02/11/2017 13:08

Me and my DP ‘flirt’ with other people, only you know if it’s innocent or you have other motive. My friend like to announce she has been cheated on by her husband every time he talks to another woman but she’s just being precious and attention seeking.
Flirting is not cheating.

Cheeseontoastie · 02/11/2017 13:27

To me it is. Maybe not cheating but certainly disrespectful. But I wouldn't be happy for my partner to flirt. And I disagree that everyone does. I don't.

CardsforKittens · 02/11/2017 13:33

I like to flirt. My partner is quite shy but loves it when other people flirt with him. As long as there's general agreement between you and your partner about acceptable behaviour I don't think there's any need to worry (if you stay within agreed parameters).

WolfieInTheWoods · 02/11/2017 13:42

I don't think it's cheating. I think it's disrepectful if one person in the relationship was doing this and the other person was openly not happy about it.

However, I do think that some people do have flirty personalities. There are many people who don't mind their partner flirting with other people.

peachgreen · 02/11/2017 13:42

Totally dependent on the boundaries of your relationship. I don’t flirt. DH only flirts with baristas (male and female!) to get free coffee and it ALWAYS works, so I’m happy for him to crack on. Grin

Oblomov17 · 02/11/2017 13:45

I don't flirt. Its just my style. I just don't.
But, 'is it cheating'? of course not. You showed it to your Dh? So, there you go. Its only a problem if, you do or say something/text something, that you would be ashamed about, if your partner found out. That's the defining factor, for me.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 02/11/2017 13:46

It depends entirely on your own relationship and your own boundaries, as well as the intention of the situation at hand.
Personally, I flirt with everyone, men and women tbh, and I'm very much straight. The second that there is more in it than harmless banter, it's immediately shut down. I would never and have never cheated, but flirting is in my character. My DP doesn't really flirt but is okay with me being how I am, he knows there's nothing in it and he trusts me.

Uokbing · 02/11/2017 13:47

What exactly do people mean by 'flirting'?