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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't know aibu (dh)

39 replies

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 14:38

First aibu so please be gentle.

Dh has a poorly family member and this is not the issue but due to this - he often spends time with them. However, another family member asked for a huge favour (once off but let's say 10 hours out of the weekend) so I am OK with that (I think)
Due to work commitments, I go on mini breaks with DC without him and now he was due to come tonight to a Halloween party and has agreed to go into work.

So effectively I dont really spend anytime with him/all of us a family. I have brought it up but all I get is 'I can't change my job etc.

I kind of know such is life but I just feel shit.

To be fair he is a great person and very hands on with DC. Should I be grateful for that ? Just get on with it?

OP posts:

grannysmiff · 28/10/2017 14:43

He needs to make time for you too.

You're not just a baby making and rearing robot.

You're his romantic partner.

In short, YANBU

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 14:45

What’s upsetting you?is it that you think he prioritise work/his family before you
Does he have a say in whether he goes in to work at short notice?or are work change made at short notice
Do you want him to change job?thats a big ask. Do you work or is he sole earner

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 14:47

It doesn't feel very romantic. :(
Maybe this is just 'life' though.

Several work colleagues of mine feel similar and just say 'we just get on with it'

Is it enough? I said to him I miss being single sometimes as I had the chance of fun. He just said I hurt him and he doesn't know what to do about it all.

I am very tempted to go somewhere for a night for him to miss me. Everyone thinks he is just wonderful because he does so many favours etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 14:48

No don't want him to change jobs. No chance anyway - not much else here. I work full time too. I am the higher earner.

OP posts:

rightknockered · 28/10/2017 14:51

My ex was like this, and every time I brought it up, he's day I was selfish, or had hurt him. Yet he was the one hurting me.
My ex was a narc though, and wanted every one else to think he was a wonderful person, but he wasn't to me.
How is he when he does spend time with you?

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 14:53

Sorry to hear that right

No he isn't a narc or anything like that. He is a smiley/happy sort of person.

A bit 'straight laced/sensible' but doesnt do anything wrong to me

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 14:53

What would you like to happen,how’d you like this resolved?
Is he in a job were he can chose hours to spend more time together

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 15:00

Appreciate the responses /Maybe I just need to get it off my chest.

I would love if he was occasionally spontaneous or organised something for us do do as a family. If he woke up of a weekend and actually stayed around and not run over to his family and remember we I am his family too.

OP posts:

grannysmiff · 28/10/2017 15:01

I think this must be why married couples do "date nights" where they have a set evening of the week just for the 2 of them. Would that be something worth trying?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 15:01

All of which is wholly reasonable, so how will this happen? Dies he know how you feel

ilovegin112 · 28/10/2017 15:15

I would imagine he probable feeling like he's been pulled in all directions, in real life a lots of people cant tell bosses at work to do one as they are meant to be going to a Halloween party, if my late dh had turned around and told me he would rather be single than with me I would be very very upset, I would tell him your sorry and tell him you want to plan a night/weekend for just you both

BackforGood · 28/10/2017 15:25

I realise you might not want to put detail, but all the time spent with the 'family member' - is it not possible that some of that can happen whilst also spending time with you and the dc ? Invite tem along to things you are doing, or to your house / round for a meal, or for you to go there with him ?
You acknowledge that he has to work and that his job entails him going in sometimes when you'd prefer he doesn't have to. You acknowledge that the job he is helping his friend with is a 'one off', and that isn't the problem.

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 15:30

I know I hurt him by saying that.

The one off family thing just annoyed me because they could have paid someone to do the favour (family member very stingy with
money)

The other sick family member - without question dh has his priorities right. But his siblings are doing sweet fuck all. We have the longest working hours and youngest children. It falls down to us.

I am going to rise above it. It is the way it is.

But if I had my time again I don't think I would get married.

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 15:35

Ok, so it’s not his job or family per se.there are other marital deeper issues. And from that you have to decide
Divorce
Stay and try work it out
Say nowt and carry on as it is now

What do you want to do?

grannysmiff · 28/10/2017 15:37

Why wouldn't you get married?

That sounds much more existential than jist relating specifically to your husband, am I right?

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 15:51

I have to stay and deal with it. It isn't like I am being treated badly and we have two (adorable) DC and lovely home.

I just want to be a proper family and do stuff as a family. I am mostly alone with DC while he is with his own family (parents etc)

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 15:52

Does he know how you feel?if so,what’s his response

timeisnotaline · 28/10/2017 15:59

I guess you are minding dc to facilitate his choices. Suggest you leave him with dc and go see friends / visit your parents etc. He will just have to take them to family members. It doesn't give you your family time but he might understanf better if he sees how it gets harder to manage if you are the default parent. If you weren't there, he wouldn't be able to take extra shifts unless he could sort some childcare, and he doesn't seem to recognise that you are making his life choices possible while missing out yourself. It is perfectly legitimate to say to your boss I can't do an extra shift I don't have any childcare for dc. He should learn this quite quickly.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 16:08

I’m not sure it is as easy as saying sorry can’t work a shift,some jobs expect a flexibility and if you’re on rota to do that shift you’re expected to cover it. Op has said jobs are scarce were they live (not much else) why should he jeperdise work?

Op has told her husband she wishes she were single. That’s a kicker to hear
If a woman posted her she had said that she’d get overwhelming sympathy and LTB

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 16:10

Op has told her husband she wishes she were single. That’s a kicker to hear
If a woman posted her dh had said that she’d get overwhelming sympathy and LTB

CraftyYankee · 28/10/2017 16:19

Have you reminded him that you and your children should be his main priority now, not his family of origin?

A sick family member is one thing, but otherwise it sounds like he has it backwards. You two should make plans with DC, and his family might get some of the leftover time if any. Have you tried booking something out for the 4 of you like a zoo trip and putting it on the calendar?

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 16:28

I think that is it .. It has it backwards. So his family first then DC then I might get a look in after all that. I didnt want to out myself but it was a family thing (bit like zoo) that he forgot about so agreed to work.
That hurts. He doesn't even register stuff with me.
I can't really leave. We are up to are eyes in debt. I don't want to hurt DC who adore him. He isn't a bad man.

But his can I get him to see ? I cant to anything at the moment as sick family member (that isn't the issue but he will keep going back to it being that. The weekend is the other family taking all his time plus several hour drive away for selfish money saving reasons)

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 16:35

Can you do a family thing at home,movie, snacks, all snuggled together
Try do family stuff

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 18:02

That's lipstick, will try that

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblywonderwoman · 28/10/2017 19:56

Its actually all bothering me a lot more thinking about it. He has always put his own family first. Never thinks about me or he mentions going out I know it is to please me rather than genuinely wanting to be with me.

I feel very very lonely in the marriage.

OP posts:

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