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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do they have to involve me?!

34 replies

BLONDIEMUMMY · 24/10/2017 11:30

Hey there mumsnetters- I’m hoping for your input on this- I fear it’s me BU, my Mum shrugs and thinks so whenever I bring this up...

So MIL & SIL. Nice enough, been with husband a total of 11 years known each other 20 years. Anywho, we have 3 DC.
Whenever it’s school hols and mil or sil want to see our DC it’s always just the older 2 never the 2 year old which is fine, I get that 3 can be too much and DDs age then limits their activities. But whenever they do want to have my DS1 and DS2, it somehow involves me. Either picking them up from a location or driving them to MIL for them to go on about their day and MIL always gives very specific times for me to collect them. Now I’ve never asked for them to have the children, SIL has a DD who is 10. SIL also works in a school as some kind of TA & thinks she knows everything & anything about children and ASD (dS2 as asd among other things)

Now am I being unreasonable to think that if you’re wanting to take my sons out for the day or for an activity (always happy to pay for my children btw) then they should come pick them up from me at home and drop them off?? Why does it have to involve me and DD?! Drop off and pick up times usually leave little time for me t get on with anything else or go anywhere else so it take up my day too, drop off would be 11 pick up 3.30 for example- and MIL loses it if I’m late! Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far 😊

OP posts:
SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 24/10/2017 11:32

Why dont you tell them to pick up the children?

But, TBH, if anyone had wanted my chidlren, I'd have driven to John O'Groats to off load them for the day Grin

Picklepickle123 · 24/10/2017 11:32

Yes, totally agree. If they want the kids then they have to arrange transport and stuff. That's far too much hassle to be ferrying them around.

Butterymuffin · 24/10/2017 11:37

You could at least split it. So get them to pick up and then you collect later.

Santawontbelong · 24/10/2017 11:39

Imo if they want to enjoy your dc they need to organise the collection and drop off. If it was a favour then it would be up to you. .

BackforGood · 24/10/2017 11:41

Like Sloe (great name by the way Grin), I'd have been so grateful for someone to have my older 2 for 4 hours now and then in the holidays, it would have been well worth my delivering and collecting them.

I suppose it's up to you to balance how much of an inconvenience it is for you against how helpful it it plus hw much the older 2 get from it and, tbh, how much the little one gets from some 1:1 time).

Dozer · 24/10/2017 11:42

YaBU IMO.

It’s disingenous to say they wish to “see” some of your DC, they are essentially offering to provide childcare, but only on their terms (times, drop offs etc). It’s up to you whether or not to accept their offers. You and your DH have the option of declining and one or both of you hosting or visiting MiL or SiL and her DD with all of your DC

Dozer · 24/10/2017 11:42

What are the distances and journey times between your homes?

Dozer · 24/10/2017 11:44

A member of my DH’s family has often expressed a wish to have one or other of our two DC for an overnight visit at theirs (1 1/2 hours away by car) and a time. And made the same offer to others in the family with three DC. I have always declined, the others have accepted.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2017 11:44

Is there a reason they can’t pick up from yours? I’ve always gone “halves” with my parents. Eg I take them to their house and they bring them back later.

But then my mum has never asked to see the kids, we are more informal than that and she knows that I will just ask if I want her to have the kids, and she’s always happy to have them if she can. That said, I don’t take the piss. She doesn’t have them often without me being there. We visit them as a family quite a lot though.

Op, if they are saying that they’ll take the kids to a particular event or whatever then I would assume they would come and get them. unless they didn’t have a car and buses were troublesome.

TalkinBoutWhat · 24/10/2017 11:45

Annoying. Say no a few times, and say that the times don't work, rather than you not wanting them to see your DC? Deliberately find a playgroup or activity for your youngest that clashes with either the start time or the end time.

After a few of these they might start getting more flexible. Or not.....

WhatwouldAryado · 24/10/2017 11:46

Why not invite them to come to visit you? Go to the park etc. I think I'd probably turn down this weird cherry picking behaviour. Especially if (and I am not clear from the post) you're getting "helpful" input from the SIL over your children etc.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2017 11:47

Yes but there might be REASONS the kids have to be picked up by a certain time. Maybe they have a life that doesn’t run round dropping and picking up grandkids?! Some people are so very entitled with regards childcare.

Original poster
BLONDIEMUMMY · 24/10/2017 11:49

I’m about 30 mins from MIL and SIL is 30 mins more.

I do understand why I might come across as ungrateful and I’m not I must just be programmed differently in that if I was offering to have someone’s dc I’d pick them up and drop them off as part of the day together.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 24/10/2017 11:50

How very unreasonable of them to do you the kindness of taking your children out for the day!! How very dare they!?

They should at least have the decency to also act as a taxi service - what is the world coming to?!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2017 11:54

OP, what has your SIL’s job got to do with all this?! She probably has dealt with way more kids with ASD than you have come across. You’re an expert in just one and she will have met many and they are all different! It sounds like they both just irritate you and rr-reading you do seem quite ungrateful.

There must be reasons why they prefer you to drop off/pick up. To be honest, I’d see it as a favour and be glad to do it myself. I do know quite a few parents younger than myself though who seem to want their in laws (never their own parents, is it?!) to run round after them and pick up and drop off their children as if they’re doing a favour “letting them” seethe kids.

Part of a parent’s role is to support the grandparent/grandchild relationship. It doesn’t involve taking the piss by expecting them to do too much to often and it recognises that grandparents have a life of their own. While a oarent’s life has to revolve round their children’s needs, a grandparent’s doesn’t.

musicform · 24/10/2017 11:55

Id drive away with the kids if they gave me grief as you say OP. If they are asking to see them - they can collect or it be at your agreed convenience. If they are doing you a favour - you can drop off

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2017 11:55

How do you do play dates, Op? Do yo invite kids to play at yours and then go and pick them up and drop them off afterwards?

There is absolutely no difference here with grandparents.

Dozer · 24/10/2017 11:56

It’d be U to expect MiL or SIL to do one or two hours’ driving respectively to pick up and drop off your DC. But similarly you may decide that it’s inconvenient for you and DD to do it. I would in your circumstances.

Dozer · 24/10/2017 12:02

Is a factor that you/DH think that MiL and SiL mainly wish to see and have sole charge of the older DC on their terms and not you/DH/toddler DD?

This is a factor for me in declining the similar offers from DH’s family member. I would much prefer to host or visit them as a family, or for DH and the DC to do so. IMO the primary relationship should be between DH and the family member.

BlueSapp · 24/10/2017 12:02

No YANBU, truthfully i think its terrible to only involve two of three kids in spending time with your MIL and SIL, I hate it when DH's family want to take only one or two of our DC's it causes so much complains for the other DC because they are being left out and its just wrong, ive completel;y stopped letting this happen now. sorry back to your question, tell thenm to pick up its not free time if you spend half of it running after them and then your DD never gets any activites, or you don't get done what needs to.

Justgivemesomepeace · 24/10/2017 12:04

That means you are spending an hour each way at least in the car. I'd say 'thanks for the offer but it means little dd spending 2 hrs of her day in the car and it's not fair. Thanks but ill keep them here.'

Taylor22 · 24/10/2017 12:15

I'd inform them that if they can't have all the children together then they have to rotate.
So if they had your two DS before then it's now your DDs turn.

At 2 my son was very much aware of when he was being left out.
That is just cruel.

Original poster
BLONDIEMUMMY · 24/10/2017 12:54

Thanks for the responses it’s good to know (mostly!) I’m nbu.

They’re plans are worked out through dh, they never contact me directly to arrange so dh being a yes man he just oks it all and if hate to give him the agg. He doesn’t see my point though when I say it involves me.
I love for dcs to spend time with grandparents- I had a very close bond with mine and I’d love to relocate that and for my dcs to have the same fond memories of their grandparents as I do which is why I’ve facilitated this for the last 8 years!

SIL is taking ds1 this evening for a sleepover with her dd, I now have to drop ds to MIL for her to pick him up from there- I haven’t had word of the plan to collect him tomorrow but dare say she’ll half arse her way to MiL for me to collect ds1.

I wasn’t very clear earlier when I mentioned her job- they’re all very know it all with my dcs, were in denial about dS2 passed off as “he’s just a boy” “you’re overrwcting” “nothing wrong with him” rubbish for years until he was finally diagnosed with Asd. Her working in a school kinda boosts her childcare confidence I guess yet it my ds who ended up in a pond once on their watch.... and a broken elbow accident another time.

It just irks me that I’m mean to conform to their plans EVERY SINGLE TIME!

When we have had children over I have picked up and dropped off.

OP posts:
Marnie182 · 24/10/2017 13:07

That would piss me off that they ring your Dh and arrange it so you have to pick up and drop off. You need to have a stern word with your Dh and tell him if he's going to arrange things, then he will have to pick up and drop off and be firm and don't do it! I think it's very rude to arrange it behind your back, I mean what if you are already busy?
Your husband needs to tell them to ring you to arrange it when they call, unless he is going to pick up and drop off of course.

Taylor22 · 24/10/2017 13:09

The it's a DH problem.
He has no right to dictate your schedule.

You need to woman up and tell him NO.