Why do they have to involve me?!

[BLONDIEMUMMY]

Hey there mumsnetters- I’m hoping for your input on this- I fear it’s me BU, my Mum shrugs and thinks so whenever I bring this up...

So MIL & SIL. Nice enough, been with husband a total of 11 years known each other 20 years. Anywho, we have 3 DC.
Whenever it’s school hols and mil or sil want to see our DC it’s always just the older 2 never the 2 year old which is fine, I get that 3 can be too much and DDs age then limits their activities. But whenever they do want to have my DS1 and DS2, it somehow involves me. Either picking them up from a location or driving them to MIL for them to go on about their day and MIL always gives very specific times for me to collect them. Now I’ve never asked for them to have the children, SIL has a DD who is 10. SIL also works in a school as some kind of TA & thinks she knows everything & anything about children and ASD (dS2 as asd among other things)

Now am I being unreasonable to think that if you’re wanting to take my sons out for the day or for an activity (always happy to pay for my children btw) then they should come pick them up from me at home and drop them off?? Why does it have to involve me and DD?! Drop off and pick up times usually leave little time for me t get on with anything else or go anywhere else so it take up my day too, drop off would be 11 pick up 3.30 for example- and MIL loses it if I’m late! Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far 😊

why are you posting on here about it? Just ask them next time. Or better still, get your DH to grow a back bone and ask them for you.

Just wanting to gauge whether it’s be bu or their expectance of my compliance.

If your DH agrees to something, then it's his job to do the ferrying. He needs to run it by you first, not assume that your time isn't valuable.
I don't think I would like to do the driving either, mostly for your DD who is strapped in the car for an hour or 2 but doesn't get the fun bit.

OK so new rule. You deal with your family. He deals with his.
And everything that entails. Including the taxi service.

You are drip feeding OP!

Why are you accepting your H making commitments for you and your DC, especially when he won’t be there himself? That’s not OK.

There are many, many ways to support DCs’ relationships with extended family. This way seems easy for your H and preferred by your in laws but inconvenient for and excluding you, and potentially unfair to DD.

Your and all the DCs’ needs and wishes are important.

Definitely a dh problem with that. I'd have done a lot of 'why did you say that? you will have to call them back and say it won't work, I'm not putting little dd in the car for 2 hours for nothing for her on x day. Or were you planning to drive? If so that's fine!' Just to make sure I wasn't taken for granted.

Your DH and his family don’t respect you.

You need to tell them all that no plans will be made unless through you at a time that is convenient.

My DH used to do this too, the inlaws never rang me just always asked him and he agreed, I put him straight, that it wasn't on, you need to do this too OP.

Surly you want that grandparent relationship for your DD too but yet she is being left to one side by them. Not on IMO

In addition, these in laws have shown poor judgment, at best, for example with respect to DS’ autism, in commenting on OP’s concerns and decisions in a way that annoyed OP. And DCs have twice been injured whilst in sole care of these relatives. More reasons not to encourage them to have sole care IMO. There are other ways to facilitate DCs’ good relationships with family.

I had regular periods as a child with a GP or aunt in sole charge, as did DH, and the family members’ behaviours were, though in the main well intentioned, sometimes not ideal to say the least. Eg saying negative things about our parents, criticising us, not providing adequate care, leaving us alone. We were negatively affected and did not tell our parents.