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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That FIL makes my skin crawl!!!

42 replies

FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 19:42

I have big problems with my FIL. He’s a massive invader of space. Since having children, he’ll come over to me while I’m holding DC with their heads cuddled into me and he’ll shove his face right in their faces, so right next to my chest a lot of the time which makes me extremely uncomfortable. He’s always telling dirty jokes to DH (who doesn’t find them funny really). Tonight he was tickling DD2 which meant his arm was actually pressing against my chest which was just a step far too far for me.

I literally can’t bare it and I struggle to be around them now because of this. It actually makes my skin crawl.

What should I do here? Am I being dramatic? If I say something, it’ll cause major offence to my MIL & FIL who are most certainly not the forgiving type.

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 19:45

I feel like I’m maybe being dramatic or upright or something. I had a top and big jumper on tonight but to me it just doesn’t feel right and he’s the only person who makes me feel this way.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 23/10/2017 19:45

Does he realise he's making you uncomfortable? If he doesn't know, he won't change his behaviour. Can you bring it up lightheartedly and make a bit of a joke about it?

TammyswansonTwo · 23/10/2017 19:46

Of purse you're not unreasonable. It's unacceptable for him to touch you if you don't want him to. What does your husband say about this? Mine would be angrier than me!

peekyboo · 23/10/2017 19:47

Do you move away when he does it or are you being polite and putting up with it? What does your DH say?

DJBaggySmalls · 23/10/2017 19:49

Yanbu, its up to you who touches you. Make a 'no physical contact' rule. You can also ask your Dh to help enforce it, and to tell him to quit it with the jokes.

BluePheasant · 23/10/2017 19:49

Urgh I hate it when people have no concept or respect for personal space.

Does he do similar things when your DH or anyone else is holding the DC?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 23/10/2017 19:50

Have you actually said something?
He isnt psychic and know that his closeness is making you feel uncomfortable.

Botanicbaby · 23/10/2017 19:50

Just tell him to stop doing it. Politely and firmly. Don't apologise. Be factual.

You're not a drama queen for being uncomfortable at your personal space being invaded. Perhaps he doesn't realise and does this to everyone, or perhaps he's fully aware but doing the above will give him a clear message and if he persists, give it to him both barrels.

Original poster
FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 19:50

I’m being polite and putting up with it but my body is literally tending up in discomfort. I can’t stand it anymore. He’s oblivious. He’s a man’s man and spends his afternoons in the pub while MIL cleans etc. With all the dirty jokes he tells, I feel like he sees women as property or something. My own dad is extremely conservative so I’m never sure if I just hate this because it’s so different to what I’ve grown up around or if his behaviour is actually wrong.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 23/10/2017 19:50

Next time he does anything like that, say something like, "You're pressing against me and I don't like it." Be very clear about what he's doing, and that you don't like it.

Don't make a joke about it.

If he doesn't immediately withdraw, repeat it louder, with an instruction for him to move away.

Yes, it might cause some awkwardness. But it's not rude of you to ask him to treat you with respect. It's rude of him to make you feel uncomfortable.

If your PILs seem to think it's wrong of you to want to be treated like a human person, they're the ones in the wrong.

SelmaAndJubjub · 23/10/2017 19:51

Sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing and he'll carry on doing it unless you stop him.

You need to be very matter of fact and unemotional - don't wait till he pushes you into snapping because then he & MIL will turn you into the bad guy. Say something like, "FIL, can you wait till I put DD down please? I'd like a bit more space."

He can tease you and say you're being silly, but there is a limit to how much he can retaliate if you make a polite, calm request instead of kneeing the pervy old goat in the nuts, like he deserves. Don't explain yourself, apologise or get into an argument. Don't accuse him of anything. Don't make it about him at all. Just say you prefer more space.

Original poster
FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 19:51

If I say something, he’ll flip his lid. I suppose I’m scared of the fall out. How do I go about enforcing the “no physical contact” rule?

OP posts:
Gertrudesings · 23/10/2017 19:52

YANBU.

Just say 'Please don't come near me FIL, I'm catching' them refuse to elaborate.

He's a prick for invading your boundaries. Be a prick back.

DJBaggySmalls · 23/10/2017 20:00

Do it in front of your DH for moral support, put your hand up as a shield as he approaches and say 'no, I dont like that'. He'll walk into your hand if he doesnt stop moving forwards, at which point take a step back or stand up and move away.
You might want to practice in front of a mirror at home until it just rolls off your tongue.

Let him sound off, he'll just sound like a loon. Your DH should back you up, not just sit there.

M00nUnit · 23/10/2017 20:18

Does your DH know how uncomfortable his DF is making you feel? If so then surely he should speak to him about it? Must be awful for you - I would hate it if my FIL (or anyone!) behaved that way towards me.

BeachyKeen · 23/10/2017 20:21

"Oops! Sorry, you're in my space" then step 2 feet away, repeat as needed

PandorasXbox · 23/10/2017 20:21

I would hate that. In scenarios like this I literally move back. So if I was holding the baby and someone was stroking them but touching me too I would move my body away so they noticed.

He sounds like a real creep.

Original poster
FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 20:36

I’m going to have to say something aren’t I? I hate this Sad he makes me feel like an object rather than a human being.

OP posts:
Jasminedes · 23/10/2017 20:46

You need to tell DH that it is making you extremely uncomfortable and that you are going to challenge it. He should be ready to back you up, or step in first and say something.

picklemepopcorn · 23/10/2017 20:51

'Watch your hands!'

Steady on, that's a bit close!

Watch it, that’s me.

picklemepopcorn · 23/10/2017 20:52

DH can say 'stop groping my wife'.

You could say 'have you been eating garkic/onions/cheese etc...

Kailoer · 23/10/2017 20:57

OP, do you not realise how wrong it is that you're worried about saying something here?

You have a right to say who can or cannot touch your body!

It doesn't matter what the fall out of this will be/whatever, you need to communicate that this isn't ok, and stick to it, calmly.

if it helps to give you strength, think about what you'd say to your children if this happens. you wouldn't be ok with someone repeatedly touching them if they didn't like it... right? So, even if that person gets angry, or whatever... the child would still be ok to calmly state their dislike, yes?

Well, show your kids what the correct behaviour is here! Teach them that it's NOT ok for someone to touch you without permissions/if it's making anyone uncomortable.

and your DH needs to back you up on this, without question.

OnTheRise · 23/10/2017 21:05

You will definitely not be in the wrong if you ask him to stop touching you like this. If he or your MIL get angry with you for doing so, they have a real problem.

Your husband should back you up on this. It's outrageous that you are being made to feel so uncomfortable.

Hellywelly10 · 23/10/2017 21:06

You need to move away and maintain a comfortable distance.

Hellywelly10 · 23/10/2017 21:07

If that doesn't work tell him!!

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