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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That FIL makes my skin crawl!!!

42 replies

FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 19:42

I have big problems with my FIL. He’s a massive invader of space. Since having children, he’ll come over to me while I’m holding DC with their heads cuddled into me and he’ll shove his face right in their faces, so right next to my chest a lot of the time which makes me extremely uncomfortable. He’s always telling dirty jokes to DH (who doesn’t find them funny really). Tonight he was tickling DD2 which meant his arm was actually pressing against my chest which was just a step far too far for me.

I literally can’t bare it and I struggle to be around them now because of this. It actually makes my skin crawl.

What should I do here? Am I being dramatic? If I say something, it’ll cause major offence to my MIL & FIL who are most certainly not the forgiving type.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 23/10/2017 21:13

You are allowed to tell him (note I don't say ask) to back away. An easy 'You're in my space/you're pressing on me' suffices. If he's arsy, that's his problem, not yours. I think your dh should be defending you, however and should be shutting down the dirty jokes. The dc will soon understand. If he makes a fuss, tough shit. If he flips, tough shit. Do you really want him in your space?

PandorasXbox · 23/10/2017 21:15

Start with moving back, it doesn’t have to be 2 feet but enough to let him know you’re uncomfortable. Keep doing it. If that doesn’t work you could ask your DH to talk to him or if you feel up to it say something to him yourself.

But it must stop. You wouldn’t allow your male boss/colleague to make you feel like this ( quite rightly ) and you don’t have to put up with him doing it. Urgh.

keeponworking · 23/10/2017 21:19

I absolutely cannot understand how your DH hasn't knocked him out by now. Seriously, I don't condone violence, but at the very least he should have come over, pulled him off you (I get the feeling he's pressing on you and that makes it nearly impossible to move back or away..?), dragged him to the door and told him he was being a disgusting perv and if he comes near his wife or your children like that ever again, he will cut off all contact with him or your wife will report him for intimidation and sexual assault, and he will be a witness.

Why does DH not do anything, or what does he do/say? Is he in some way afraid of his father's response? Was he violent to your DH or your MIL?????

PandorasXbox · 23/10/2017 21:23

He’s probably doing it in that ever so subtle way of stroking the baby whilst leaning or touching the OP as opposed to coming in the room and blatantly grabbing her bottom. He’s a sly fucker. He’s been doing all his life no doubt and never been called out.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 23/10/2017 21:24

Be factual: "you are pressing on my chest, move away", easier said than done but they would be unreasonable to fly of the handle for the bare facts.

Original poster

FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 21:40

Sometimes I wonder if he’s oblivious. If he’s got such a lack of respect for me that he doesn’t even acknowledge my personal space.

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 23/10/2017 21:44

I really doubt he's oblivious, Have you every been on the Tube when its packed? You don't get the creeps being jammed in with a random stranger.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2017 21:46

Allowing him to invade your personal space and touch your body to such an extent that it actually makes you uncomfortable and anxious is not setting a good example for your children. I can promise you that even though they are very young, they sense how uncomfortable you are. This is teaching them that it's ok for someone to touch you when you don't like it and don't want them to.

Stand up for yourself and stop giving a fuck if this idiot gets upset or has a temper tantrum.

Original poster

FireAndRain413 · 23/10/2017 21:47

I don’t really understand your post DJBaggy I’m not a Londoner. Or the could be the reason I’m not understanding!!

OP posts:

Madbum · 23/10/2017 21:57

When he starts making a beeline for you quickly hand the baby off to someone else and watch his reaction, if he seems put out or doesn’t then go to do the same to the other person now holding the baby you know it’s you he’s targeting, do it a couple of times to be sure then have a frank discussion with your DP about his Dad’s behaviour. He needs to address this or you will be forced to regardless of the fallout because you have every right to protect yourself from letcherous bastards.

DJBaggySmalls · 23/10/2017 21:59

I meant that its unlikely you are 'just overreacting', and its unlikely he is oblivious or innocent.
If he's giving you the creeps, you are picking up on something to do with his intent. You dont get the creeps from strangers who have no intentions towards you, not even when you are forced into close contact.

Aquamarine1029 put it better than I did. You need to be able to enforce your own boundaries and support those of your kids.

PutUpWithRain · 23/10/2017 22:01

If you don't feel comfortable with calling him out openly, could you start by making a joke of it? 'Blimey, FIL, any closer and you'll be in back of me!' with a slightly fake smile? 'Woah, there you go again! Anyone would think you're jealous of my DCs being so close to me!' Not quite as abrupt as 'Please back off, you smarmy arsehole', but making him (and others) aware that he's not respecting your personal boundaries. Of course, he can then turn it into a joke, but you're voicing your objections in a way that shouldn't start an argument. Obviously, in an ideal world, you could just say 'STEP AWAY FROM ME, CREEPY SEXIST FUCKER AND RESPECT MY PERSONAL SPACE', but I appreciate that's not really an option here.

I bet he's a double elbow grabber too. That when you lean in for the obligatory kiss hello/goodbye, he grabs hold of both elbows so you can't pull away easily...

SelmaAndJubjub · 23/10/2017 23:54

bet he's a double elbow grabber too. That when you lean in for the obligatory kiss hello/goodbye, he grabs hold of both elbows so you can't pull away easily...

The correct response is to pretend the grabber has pulled you off balance and tread his toes: “Oh, so sorry.”

Original poster

FireAndRain413 · 24/10/2017 12:49

DH has suggested maybe he should say something the next time his dad comes too close. Just a little comment like “Dad, you’re in her space a bit there are you not?” I had a good chat to DH last night and he says his dad has done this to him too, where he doesn’t seem to understand about personal space and he thinks its innocent. I sort of don’t care if it’s innocent or not. I just want him to get his face away from me and keep it there!!!

OP posts:

TalkinBoutWhat · 24/10/2017 12:51

Hmm, you could try saying 'Oi, the last man who was that close to me got me pregnant.'

KimmySchmidt1 · 24/10/2017 13:15

Doing nothing and secretly having feels is pointless. Next time he does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, move away from him, or say (lightly) "hang on this is a bit weird let me give the baby to you".

Don't turn it into a huge emotional trauma, or an episode of Eastenders, just try to react naturally and in proportion. He may well not realise he is doing it and there is no need to humiliate him worse than you have to.

KimmySchmidt1 · 24/10/2017 13:17

My FIL makes constant faux pas (eg announcing my pregnancy on facebook before I had !!!!) and says offensive things to people all the time.
He is an insensitive twat whose wife never calls him out and so he has never figured out where he is going wrong.

I either make light of it or get DH to ask him to delete posts and explain why etc.

He's a twat - it can't be helped, you just have to minimise it.

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