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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be angry?

28 replies

Flooglebinder · 22/10/2017 08:09

Last night me a DH had a row, I felt hurt and just really annoyed to be frank.
Bit of back story, this is second marriage for us both I have DD and he has DS.
His parents are horrendous to the point where my DD does not feel welcome, she's 19 and is a lesbian I fully support her and I love her unconditionally.
But in laws are extremely ignorant, with horrible comments in my opinion homophobic.
Anyway each Christmas they tend to leave her out which I know I cannot force them to include her but my family would never do that to his DS.
I simply would not allow it.
Last night I asked him if he could ask them not to be so mean to her, his reply was simply well she's not flesh and blood is she?
That to me was uncalled for she's been in their lives over 10 years now.
I was furious was I right to be or was unreasonable?

OP posts:

Discotits · 22/10/2017 08:11

No advice, but you are DNBU. The in laws sound awful, and I’d have trouble getting past this if my DP said something like this.

Raver84 · 22/10/2017 08:11

I think you have very right to feel angry and sorry to say this but I would never have married into a family that had Ill feeling towards my children. She must feel very very hurt.

CosmicPineapple · 22/10/2017 08:13

YANBU to be angry.
Is this how he feels about your DD also?

I would refuse to have anything to do with his parents tbh and I would be upfront as to why, should they ask.

Hercules12 · 22/10/2017 08:14

Yanbu. The question is what are you going to do? It's your dh that is the problem.

TidyDancer · 22/10/2017 08:14

Gosh that was a horrible thing for your DH to say! As if that is the most important thing to consider. They should be nice to her if for no other reason than it’s nice to be nice. The fact that she’s not biologically related to them is not a free pass to be twats to her.

Is your DH usually a bit of a wet weekend dealing with his idiot parents?

Soozikinzii · 22/10/2017 08:15

Definitely YANBU I have experience of this type of dynamic. It's awful. It's time to set up your own Christmas and not bother with them .

TidyDancer · 22/10/2017 08:15

Of course what you should be doing is leaving them out at Christmas. And your ‘D’H too if he doesn’t support your DD.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/10/2017 08:18

His parents are not your flesh and blood. Have not one more thing to do with them. Why would you want to hang out with people who are vile to one of your children? I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want my daughter to think I would hang out with them either.

Your DH can't stop his parents being loud bigots. You can stop seeing them.
DH can make sure you don't get a hard time about it.

MrsExpo · 22/10/2017 08:18

Any form form of homophobic behaviour is unacceptable and you're not being U to be angry about their attitude and comments. But you can't force someone to love or respect another person if they don't for whatever reason. Their attitudes are their choice whether you like it or not. Your DH could have a word about their behaviour for the sake of family unity, but I doubt it will help and he's right, your DD is not "flesh and blood" to his parents. Have they always been like this towards your DD or have things got worse since they became aware of her sexuality?

Madbum · 22/10/2017 08:19

YANBU, how fucking dare they and he. Refuse to have anything more to do with them, they don’t deserve your company if that’s how they treat your DD abhorrent people.
The fact that he can even feel an ounce of justification of their behaviour is awful in itself, can you tolerate that from him? It’s like he almost agrees with them!

powershowerforanhour · 22/10/2017 08:20

YANBU. Point out that you're not their flesh and blood either, but I assume they are at least halfway civil to you most of the time. So if they are civil to you- who aren't flesh and blood, but are dear to DH, why can't they extend that civility to one who is dear to you? Even if they don't want to be civil to her as -gasp- a person in her own right.

MadForlt · 22/10/2017 08:21

Definitely leave them out for year. They aren't flesh and blood after all.

Let your dh deal with them. They've known your daughter since she was a child.

They are horrible ignorant people. I would be supporting my daughter and making sure she knew how I felt. (not that I would need to because she already knows what I think)

DressedCrab · 22/10/2017 08:21

He was saying what they've said to him. He should challenge it but he can't be bothered.

I'd go NC with them and think hard about my future with this cowardly man.

Ploppie4 · 22/10/2017 08:22

Xmas with your family is the way forward

KimmySchmidt1 · 22/10/2017 08:22

My advice is not to let either set of parents come between you. But what that means is not going there for Christmas so that you can both make sure your own respective blood relative children feel able to properly enjoy Christmas.

Lots of men in particular are truly terrible at any kind of confrontation with their parents, so don't be surprised that he is. But you don't have to go there for Christmas and he shouldn't expect you to if he can't get them under control.

MadForlt · 22/10/2017 08:22

Oh and if she ever gets married, please make sure they do not get an invitation. After all, they aren't flesh and blood.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/10/2017 08:24

raver ten years ago dd was 9 - maybe she hadn’t realised yet that she was a lesbian and the homophobia therefore wasn’t to the fore..

Fairylea · 22/10/2017 08:24

They sound awful and your dh response would really upset me. He needs to see her as his family, more so than his own mum and Dad now I think.

I would leave them out of Christmas - I would cut them off completely actually. If dh cannot see how awful they are being I wouldn’t be able to stay with dh either. I feel really sorry for you, it’s a horrible situation.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 08:26

Yeah, that’s horrible and it shows he supports their views. As a pp said, the bigger question is what will you do knowing how he and his family feel about your child?

NewDaddie · 22/10/2017 08:36

YABa bit U

It’s sad, but you can’t really force in laws to do or be anything.

You can however cut them out of your and dd’s lives and make sure they behave appropriately in your home.

bluebells1 · 22/10/2017 08:44

They are disgusting. No doubt. However, your daughter is not their flesh and blood (thank heavens for that!). So cut them off your lives and enjoy christmas with your family. And DP needs to be told off for not standing up for your DD.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2017 08:52

Were they nice to your dd before you/she told them she is gay?

Anyway, I’d cut them off. Dead. Your dh should be supportive to your child. If he isn’t, you are faced with doing a lot of things alone. As others have said, no Christmas together or any form of celebrations seeing as they aren’t blood relations.

littlebird7 · 22/10/2017 08:53

I would not allow my DD to go through that every christmas or any other time. It is truly disgusting and you need to make a stand, both in her defence and because she must be made subject to homophobia from within her own family.

No, you can't change them, but you can certainly decide whom you have in your lives. They would not be welcome in my home anymore, and I would not be visiting them either. I would be very straight with dp about your reasons. If he had reined them in, and stood up for her and made it clear he will stand for this behaviour from them you would not have be in this position, but as you are, this is a simple decision to make for you.

NC from now on. Your family should continue to embrace his ds as before, but no more contact with his side of the family.

littlebird7 · 22/10/2017 08:53

she must not be made subject to homophobia

Pollydonia · 22/10/2017 08:59

Good god almighty, I can't believe he is allowing his family to act like this towards your child. I am myself a step-aunty ( & recently a step great aunty) and I can't imagine for one moment treating any of the children differently . They are now my family, end of.

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