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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or DH

39 replies

Deink · 21/10/2017 18:38

Have had recent relationship troubles. Marriage almost ended. DH snooped through my texts and found messages between my best friend and I. She said some less than nice things about him. I said nothing, I didn't agree with her but I didn't disagree. He admitted he snooped and is angry and upset. I'm angry and upset he read them in the first place and don't think he can get upset at someone's view when they are not speaking to him directly as she wouldn't have worded it like that if she knew he'd read it, probably.
AIBU?

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 21/10/2017 18:39

Is there reason for her to have that impression of your dh?

couchparsnip · 21/10/2017 18:40

Both. Him more so though. He shouldn't have snooped. You probably could have defended your DH to your friend but I think that's the lesser crime here.

Original poster
Deink · 21/10/2017 18:41

Ways she has seen him acting sadly. Not abusive but not pleasantly.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 21/10/2017 18:43

I think his lack of trust is more important than you not defending him.

Anecdoche · 21/10/2017 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissConductUS · 21/10/2017 18:43

Marriage almost ended.

Really, just over this, or is there more? There must be more if it almost came to that.

pallisers · 21/10/2017 18:44

He shouldn't have snooped. I'd be pretty pissed off at him invading my privacy like that.

And does he really think everyone loves him? Even if he behaves unpleasantly? If he behaves unpleasantly then he needs to own the judgement others will make of him.

Dobopdidoo1 · 21/10/2017 18:47

Whilst I can sympathise with him not liking less than complimentary things said about him by your friend, we should all have the right to confide in friends.

On balance, he is BU

Original poster
Deink · 21/10/2017 18:47

Didn't explain myself well. The marriage was on the rocks due to other issues. This came after we reconciled and decided to work things out for our kids. These were texts that were sent in he period when the relationship was on its last legs and it really did seem like all was over and ended.

OP posts:
DoJo · 21/10/2017 18:47

So does he want you to have no sounding board at all? When he was reading the messages, all he was thinking about was how angry he was that you weren't defending him, not reflecting at all on why that might have been? You're not obliged to stand up for him if you agree with your friend that his behaviour was unacceptable, especially not in messages which were supposed to be private.

ShimmeringBollox · 21/10/2017 18:49

Why did he snoop ?
I know it's not a good thing to do but countless people do it on the relationships board when they suspect cheating and it is always deemed ok.
Tbh I would be gutted if my DPs best mate was slagging me off to him, I would probably think he was shit stirring, and would resent DP for not defending me.
On the flip side I have disclosed things to my friends about my DP, just because I wanted a friend to offload to, they've never sent me a text saying unkind things about him per se, but they've certainly told me I don't need to put up with any shit.
I don't necessarily think either of yabu, it's going to be a bit more complex than that. Emotions are obviously running high.
Hope you get it sorted op.

Topseyt · 21/10/2017 18:49

I don't think people should snoop on others. Certainly not without very good reason. Therefore he is being unreasonable.

I do get the impression though that there could well be a fair old back story here. Something has made your friend judge your DH in this way. You chose to try and ignore her comments as best you could. Is that because you are trying to minimise poor behaviour from him, or are in denial about something?

snackarella · 21/10/2017 18:51

I can understand it’s not nice to read but your best mate is bound to stick up for you and will flame him when he has done something crappy.
I would tell him to forget it. I’m sure his mates weren’t singing your praises the whole way through the tough times x

Original poster
Deink · 21/10/2017 18:55

She was in our home when an argument broke out and didn't appreciate how he spoke to me and the things he said. That is it really. This was at the absolute height of our marital problems and both of our nerves were frayed. One of our kids was in hospital and we were relocating. I didn't get into it with her via text as we spoke on the phone frequently and I had explained things, chatted and I had, I suppose, defended him then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deink · 21/10/2017 18:58

And as for why, it was because he wanted to know what had been said by the friend after the argument as he knew I would have spoken to her.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 21/10/2017 19:00

Have you tried, or considered marriage counseling? It's often a long shot, but worth trying.

ShimmeringBollox · 21/10/2017 19:06

Ah, I see.
Like Snackerella out, she's Your mate, she is going to defend you and be in your corner.
His friends would do the same.
It can't be nice to read and most of us would be upset in his shoes, even if it is justified.
He shouldn't have looked at your phone though, and you've got every right to be annoyed with him.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 21/10/2017 19:10

DH once pulled this shit, told him to get fucked as conversations with my bf in any shape or form are non of his fucking business Hmm he got the message loud & clear.
It's pretty much the same as 'evesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves he's the U one.

Bruceishavingfish · 21/10/2017 19:18

He is a twat.

He acted like a dick and your friend pointed it out. You didnt defend him because he was being a dick.

If he doesnt want her to think he is a dick and wants you to defend him....he needs to stop acting like a dick.

Not carry on acting like a dick.

thatdearoctopus · 21/10/2017 19:23

So, he behaved like a twat in front of someone else, and is now acting all hurt to know that person wasn't impressed?

Neverknowing · 21/10/2017 19:35

I would say YANBU at all. I think your friend is allowed to call him out on his behaviour. He is not beyond reproach.
I have a similar situation. My best friend’s partner is an idiot and I tell her so (sometimes she doesn’t realise he’s being a twat because she’s so used to it) but if he found out he wouldn’t let her see me.
You’re allowed to moan about your DP and your friends are allowed to let you know if they see something is off. Why does he think that’s wrong?
I’d be hurt if I found similar texts on DP’s phone but wouldn’t be mad at him, more annoyed I had no idea he was upset!
He shouldn’t have read your texts and he shouldn’t be annoyed at you.

Neverknowing · 21/10/2017 19:36

Also, if I read those texts I’d be working out how to do better not being annoyed.

Mittens1969 · 21/10/2017 19:36

Why would he read messages you’ve sent to your bf? That is just so nosey. I get the checking your messages if he was concerned you might be cheating, but he must have gone right through private messages with your friend. That’s so wrong, my DH would never think of doing that.

As for what she said, can he really be surprised that she doesn’t like him???

Sparkletastic · 21/10/2017 19:40

Your relationship with your best friend exists outside of your marriage and is none of his business.

maddening · 21/10/2017 19:41

I would say he wants to end it and has looked for a reason