Me or DH

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Have had recent relationship troubles. Marriage almost ended. DH snooped through my texts and found messages between my best friend and I. She said some less than nice things about him. I said nothing, I didn't agree with her but I didn't disagree. He admitted he snooped and is angry and upset. I'm angry and upset he read them in the first place and don't think he can get upset at someone's view when they are not speaking to him directly as she wouldn't have worded it like that if she knew he'd read it, probably.
AIBU?

And her opinion is not yours so he wouldn't judge you by it if he wasn't looking for the fight to end it

He read them, he says, because he wanted to know what she had said about him in the wake of the argument and subsequently. She had called him nasty and manipulative and said he was becoming a bully. She also made comments about him being lazy at home. That I didn't need to take it. That sort of thing.

He read them, he says, because he wanted to know what she had said about him in the wake of the argument and subsequently.

The only tiny ray of hope I see here is that his actions reveal an awareness that his behavior was objectively abominable. It's a thin reed indeed, but perhaps a place to start.

An objective third party who is qualified to do so can bring a lot of clarity to a troubled marriage. A colleague of mine who does such counseling says that she often feels like a undertaker, but there are cases where she can help people over their hard feelings and teach them how to resolve conflict better.

Why did he want to know what she thought of him?

He said he felt like she'd been a bit off with him since. She hadn't particularly, not in my opinion.

Yes, maybe counselling is the way forward.

And that means he gets to invade your privacy because?

He acted like a dick an was hoping to be reassured that everyone was willing to overlook it?

I don't think it was fair to read my texts. I am annoyed that now he is angry, doesn't want things like that to be said about him again. It's like it's somehow my fault.

Mmm. Women snoop on mens phones if they want and get a huge (but not universal pass) for doing so in this site so men are allowed the same surely?

Also, been a few threads where a woman his not been impressed that a man has not jumped to their immediate defence (or defence of family members) and have been criticised.

Based on previous mumsnet comments alone, OP is being unreasonable for complaining about being snooped on and also not defending her DH.

However, I would say the opposite. That women should not be snooping on partners phones and neither should men. And text messages often lack context or complete discussions so people should not be called out on what is said or not said.

But the differences in how men and women are treated on the same topics can be staggering.

Of course it's not your fault. He didn't have a good reason to look at your phone, he can't be angry with you for something someone else has said about the way he behaved.
How do you think you can move forward, do you want to move forward ?

If he “doesn’t want things like that saying about him” he should start pulling his weight at home, and stop bullying you. Not shoot the messenger.

What he’s actually saying is that he doesn’t want to be criticised by anyone regardless of what he does to you. That you should just put up with his poor treatment and not question him.

Are you sure you want to reconcile? Your mate is right, you don’t have to put up with being treated like this.

I think the majority of women who look at their DP/ DH phone on the relationship boards suspect an affair, rather than wanting to see what their mates said about them Scottish.

This is definitely not your fault OP. You haven’t done anything wrong in this scenario.

Your DH shouldn’t have snooped, but I can sort of understand it if things have been bad between you. Natural human curiosity. And also normal for him to feel upset when seeing the messages you describe.

So I don’t think either of you are being very unreasonable (except if he is blaming you).

Can you put this behind you and focus on the serious issues in the relationship? This shouldn’t be a deal breaker in itself.

Another man with an inflated sense of himself thinking however he behaves is acceptable because he’s so much more important than anyone else.
How dare your friend have an honest view of the bad behaviour of a grown man
Just tell him if he hadn’t acted like a dick then your friend wouldn’t have the option she has if him.
It’s certainly not your fault is it???
He’s blaming you because he has no idea how inappropriate his attitude towards you is op.
He’s clearly been speaking to you like it for longer than when your friend saw it so he’s got used to doing it and getting away with it.
Now an outsider has said he’s out of order and he’s seen her texts he’s defensive.
Tell him to bloody grow up x

Is what she said about him true? If so, why should you defend him?