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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mess in the bedrooms vs Mess downstairs

32 replies

Worriedaboutnail · 21/10/2017 16:01

DH and I have had a big barney this morning. He has this ridiculous need to put loads of his crap on the dining table (which is in our lounge at the back), so when we have anyone over, they obviously sit in the lounge and as soon as they walk in, there’s see a big pile of shit on the table (things like papers, bills, folders, battery packs, wires, headphones, money, tape measures etc).

After 3 weeks of it being there I asked him to move it this morning. Apparently I’m a hypocrite because in our bedroom, I leave my dressing gown and pyjamas hanging on the door, I leave my straighteners and make up on the dressing table, and I have a few bits of clothes scattered about - which are work clothes such as tights or cardigans. Most are things I actually use continuosly throughout the week and then tidy up on a Friday evening. He doesn’t touch his table stuff, it can be the same untouched pile for months.

In my view a bit of a mess in the bedrooms is fine as no guest will be going up there to see it, and further more we relax downstairs and it’s hard to do that surrounded by junk. He says it’s the same.

Aibu?

OP posts:
IsAnyoneElseMissingCheese · 21/10/2017 16:04

I would say that your dressing gown, straighteners etc are exactly where they should be, ie where you use them and where they live, whereas his crap doesn't live there or get used on the dining table, therefore he should find it a forever home.

I've had this argument many times! Grin

Santawontbelong · 21/10/2017 16:05

Buy him a big basket and label it 'man basket'

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2017 16:06

Get a really nice (large) basket for the floor and dump all the crap in it.

fairyofallthings · 21/10/2017 16:06

Build a 'man cave' in the garden and invite him to live there with all his crap precious belongings.

MayFayner · 21/10/2017 16:07

I would just "declutter" and tidy the dining table every day.

I hate stuff on surfaces so there's a lot of drawers and cupboards full of stuff but at least it's out of sight.

Titsywoo · 21/10/2017 16:08

In my opinion YANBU but you probably are Grin

We have a big island in our kitchen and DH tends to use one side as a work station and it's often covered in his crap. The other side is the side I use to prepare food so technically it's not in my way but it just gets on my nerves! I like the kitchen to look clean and clutter free. But I suppose it's his house too. To be honest it would be nice if he had his own house next door with an interconnecting door Grin.

llangennith · 21/10/2017 16:11

Buy a filing box or similar and put it all in there. If he's not actually using his crap into the box it goes. Every time. He'll get the message eventually.

AdalindSchade · 21/10/2017 16:11

I'd get a big plastic box and every time he leaves anything on the table chuck it in there.
He's wrong obviously, bedroom mess is transient and necessary but crap dumped on the table is just lazy.

Sandycarrots · 21/10/2017 16:12

I hear you op. My dh does exactly the same. I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to keep the "public" rooms in your house reasonably tidy. Most visitors don't enter your bedroom after all!

The only solution I have found is to keep the dining room table ruthlessly clear of clutter (Flylady method). The minute one pen or one cable appears it seems to invite a cascade of clutter and crap to pile up! It does mean me keeping on top of it though constantly, which I must admit I resent rather.

Graphista · 21/10/2017 16:21

It's threads like this remind me why I'm glad it's just me n dd at home Grin

Never mind a basket I'd black bag it! And put it somewhere REALLY inconvenient for him

Juicyfruitloop · 21/10/2017 16:25

Sounds like u both have similar relaxed standards, just im different areas so slightly hypocritical. It would drive me bonkers stuff for weeks on the table. I could not have it.

BirthdayBeast · 21/10/2017 16:27

🙄 we have this problem too and it drives me insane. No matter how many time I ask him to keep the table clear so that we can actually use it to eat on, he still stacks all this random crap on it. After it being there for weeks I’ll warn him that I’m going to move it somewhere else and it still stays there. So I then tidy it up so that at least half the table is clear and then he has a go at me for touching his stuff and saying he can’t find what he’s looking for. I am utterly infuriated by it. I’ve tried all sorts of things to get him to move his stuff but he’s a creature of habit and nothing works. I’m hoping for inspiration on this thread about how to deal with it!!!

Original poster
Worriedaboutnail · 21/10/2017 16:32

Thanks ladies, it sounds like I’ve actually been more than tolerant.

I used to shove it all in a Box, but if I touched his stuff then when he lost something, guess who’s fault it must have been, because I touched his stuff! So I stopped, and now he can only blame himself the umpteen times a week he misplaces something Brew

OP posts:
Stanislas · 21/10/2017 16:35

Keeping inviting people for meals.

diddl · 21/10/2017 16:43

It's noy just a bout guests though imo.

You have bedroom stuff in the bedroom-maybe it could be a bit tidier, idk.

None of what he leaves on the dining roo table belongs there.

Why doesn't he put it where it belongs?

Why should Op have to keep clearing it away because he cba?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2017 16:46

Your husband is being ridiculous and he probably knows it - he just doesn't want to "lose." Downstairs is a common area. Your bedroom is private. When's the last time you ushered guests up to your bed and served dinner? Never, that's when. Definitely find some kind of lidded, attractive basket or perhaps a storage bench for all of his crap. Make an agreement that that is his space for his junk and you won't touch it. I could never deal with a bunch of rubbish all over my table. It would drive me insane.

StillGotTheTreeUp · 21/10/2017 16:46

What kinda stuff is it?

ludog · 21/10/2017 16:48

My DH is anal about bedroom 'mess' so, for example, there's a drawer downstairs where stray hairbrushes live. So when he'd be tidying our room he'd take my hairbrush (that I use every morning) off the dressing table and put it in the drawer downstairs. Then when I want it I have to go get it from downstairs. It seemed to make perfect sense to himHmm. I lost it with him many a time but his crowning glory was the time he tidied my reading glasses from my locker into the wardrobe. I think me screeching "how many fucking times in the past twenty years have I climbed into the fucking wardrobe to read?" may have cured his worst excessesWink

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2017 16:49

In the OP:

(things like papers, bills, folders, battery packs, wires, headphones, money, tape measures etc).

OlennasWimple · 21/10/2017 16:52

Our bedroom is always the most messy room in the house, in large part because whenever we have guests over I shove all the crap that accumulates on the dining table (and other surfaces) into our room and close the door...

GoGoGazelle · 21/10/2017 16:52

DH has a cupboard and I put all his shit in there so I don't need to look at it. I don't need such a cupboard as I put things a-fucking-way and am not a hoarder of shite.

MummaTwinkleToes · 21/10/2017 16:56

That would drive me mad OP. DH has a habit (which I'm slowly breaking) of emptying his work bag and dumping his crap wherever he is... on top the fridge, down the side of the microwave. All over the kitchen worktops. Then like other husbands moans I've moved his stuff. I have recently cleared a kitchen drawer which is now his and dump everything in there, which has helped. Then when he moans he can't find something I just repeat over and over lol in your drawer.

MummaTwinkleToes · 21/10/2017 16:59

Look in your drawer not lol!

mindutopia · 21/10/2017 16:59

We have more of a rule about if people are coming over, then public areas need to be cleaned and tidied. So that means the table, lounge, kitchen, downstairs loo.

Both are generally a mess all the time (actually upstairs is more my husband because he doesn't put his clothes away, downstairs on the table is more my junk because I work from home a lot, so lots of paperwork, computer bits, plus homework, drawing stuff for dd). But if people come over, yes, it needs to be tidied. If it's just friends for a cup of tea or whatever and they are going home, it's just downstairs. If it's house guests staying over, it's everywhere.

So both essentially the same in my book, in theory, but if you're having people over, whoevers mess is in the public space where they'll see it, needs to tidy it up. Frankly, we just avoid having people over to avoid having to tidy it! But when we do, yes, it needs to get cleaned up wherever it is. If you have people over regularly (honestly, we only do about every 2 months, where we live is really rural so we usually just meet them out somewhere), then whoever puts it there should keep it regularly tided.

RedSkyAtNight · 21/10/2017 17:02

Is the problem that there isn't actually a place to put this stuff? So it's home is effectively the table? If this is the case, then I suggest you (you and DH between you) identify a place that it can be stored where items are suitably accessible for him and tidy enough for you.