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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Find my iPhone

26 replies

tooworried123 · 19/10/2017 18:35

My son is 18 - last year of college - always out and I'm worried he's going off the rails. He's switched his location off so I can't see where he is. I'm worried sick because sometimes he doesn't come in until 6am. I'm worried I'm losing him altogether- he won't communicate- he used to be so lovely. What on earth can I do? Please help me

OP posts:
DorisDangleberry · 19/10/2017 18:37

He's 18. A grown adult. Of course he doesn't want his mum stalking him. Going out until 6am at that age is not unusual.

Original poster
tooworried123 · 19/10/2017 18:41

Yes ok - but would you not worry? I lie awake worrying until he comes in. Do other people not worry like that?

OP posts:
MrsEight · 19/10/2017 18:41

My 20 yr old and 18 yr old Reg go out together and roll in at 4/5 am - that’s a right of being that age surely?

MrsEight · 19/10/2017 18:48

I don’t lie awake worrying no - what good is that going to do.

What do you think is going to happen?

Original poster
tooworried123 · 19/10/2017 18:57

I perhaps have an overactive imagination but I worry about things like too much to drink and collapsing. Getting in with wrong people - drugs etc. The thing is bad things do happen!!

OP posts:
Original poster
tooworried123 · 19/10/2017 18:58

Getting into a fight .... being attacked.... being knocked over ...... the list goes on!!!

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 19/10/2017 19:00

Is there any other concerning behaviour? I was basically not home from Friday night until Sunday evening from 17. I was not having sex or doing anything dangerous. I just wanted to be with my friends.

But I talked to my mum, she knew what I was getting up to, had contact numbers etc.

Is he not communicating because he feels interrogated? Or is it something else?

kali110 · 19/10/2017 19:03

I always told my parents who i'd be with and where abouts i was going, but i'd come in the early hours sometimes.
If i'd told them i was going to be late then they didn't expect to see me till the next day as they certainly didn't wait up, or ring.
Occasionally my dad would ask where i'd been if i'd rolled in at 3 when he'd knew i'd only beento the pub but i'd explain it was drunkeness Grin
Why do you expect to have 'find your phone' on him?
I'd feel it as a violation!
He's adult. He's at college and he's entitled to go out and have some fun!
Is this more that he's growing up?

Original poster
tooworried123 · 19/10/2017 19:22

No it's not the growing up - before the last couple of weeks he was great company. It's all gone wrong since he switched his location off and I panicked and asked him why. The truth is I didn't stalk him - it doesn't always tell me where he is anyway but I liked the fact that if something went wrong I would know where he was. I've now annoyed him so much he hasn't really spoken to me for a week.

OP posts:
Misspollyhadadollie · 19/10/2017 19:27

Is this serious? I live alone at 16...

scurryfunge · 19/10/2017 19:27

A phone doesn't guarantee safety. You'd know where his phone was but not him. Let him do his own thing. You can support and advise but at 18 it is up to him.

Misspollyhadadollie · 19/10/2017 19:27

Lived* (I'm not 16 lol)

Theresnonamesleft · 19/10/2017 19:31

He probably got fed up with the notifications letting him know his mum was stalking him, so turned it off.
What about when he moves out, you won’t be able to check up on him constantly.

BloodSplatteredFangs · 19/10/2017 19:31

I suspect your overprotectiveness is the issue here and probably the reason he has turned it off. Be careful you don't end up ruining your relationship for life because of your behaviour.

It is natural to worry about our children but you have to trust he is ok and will contact you if there are any problems, but not if you have already driven him away.

SilverySurfer · 19/10/2017 19:38

I'm not surprised he switched it off as he must have felt suffocated knowing you were tracking his every move. Can you really not see how wrong that was? I think you need help coming to terms with the fact that he is now an adult and should be able to live his own life.

Original poster
tooworried123 · 19/10/2017 20:01

Yes I can see it's wrong but am I really the only person who feels better if it's on???

OP posts:
BloodSplatteredFangs · 19/10/2017 20:03

If this was an adult relationship, it would be classed as a form of abuse by a controlling partner.

scurryfunge · 19/10/2017 20:04

No, phones are relatively new. It's not so long ago that we didn't have access to instant accessibility. The best my mum would get would be three rings on the landline to let her know I'd arrived somewhere or I'd send her a postcard. Nobody died.

Needadvicetoleave · 19/10/2017 20:07

If he was at university you wouldn't have a clue what he was up to or what time he rolled in to bed, or whose bed.

Dabitdontrubit · 19/10/2017 20:08

But it's not about you feeling better.

It's about him being an adult without mummy needing to know where he is at all times.

I feel for you, I really do, but in the nicest way you need to get a grip, or seek help to deal with this problem. It is your problem not his and you're pushing him away.

Your biggest fear right now is being 'that' mum. You need to let him fly.

Not sure what is acceptable on here re:hugs n kisses (whenever I see the flower icon my nose itches) but you do have my sympathy even though I think you're being totally unreasonable!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/10/2017 20:15

I remember taking a nice young man home when I was A student. He stayed all night but I don’t think he had told his mum where he was. This was before mobile phones. Now all these years later and I’m a Mum myself, I sometimes wonder was she worried sick and lying awake all night?!

I’ve got two boys myself and wonder how to give them their freedom but also look after their welfare. Maybe MIL got it right. She just kept right out and got used to not staying up for them, worrying. DH lived at home and remembers climbing up drainpipes and on roofs to climb through his bedroom window when he’d Lost his keys, pissed, and no-one answered the front door cos they were all asleep (not worrying).

He would shudder to think of our sons doing that. But he himself never came to any harm. MIL clearly just let him get on with all that shit. She laughs about it now when he tells her what he got up to: “Did you really?! Oh my god!”

No harm came to anyone.

kali110 · 19/10/2017 23:43

Would you be ok if it was a partner checking up on you all the time?
He's probably annoyed because you're always checking up on him.
You don't need to know where he is all the time, and he doesn't need to tell you!
He definitely doesn't have to have a app on his phone.
You need to realise he's getting older and is entitled to his privacy.
If you stop trying to constantly wanting to know where he is 24/7 then he may be more open with you.
Having someone questioning where you are and what you're doing doesn't make you want to be honest with them.
Yes the app would make you feel better, but in the nicest way, it's not his problem. He shouldn't have to have it on his phone to make you feel better.
Is it just your son that you feel anxious about? Has it always been like this?

Theresnonamesleft · 20/10/2017 00:12

I don’t track my adult children’s phones. They are entitled to their privacy. I don’t know their iCloud passwords and if I asked them I would expect the same response I would give.
As an adult I wouldn’t want to be tracked and think the same curtesy should be given to other adults.

JaneJeffer · 20/10/2017 00:26

Worrying constantly won't prevent those things from happening. My 18 year old DS is at college in a different city and I text him now and then to see if he's ok. My DM is like you and I think it's a form of control. You have to let go and trust him to take care of himself. He has to live his life and learn from his own mistakes.

DorisDangleberry · 20/10/2017 00:29

This is madness, the OP getting upset because her son wont let her stalk him. If this was a husband posting it would be called controlling behaviour

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