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Original poster

Please help me get some perspective ( teenager)

31 replies

sorryghadtochangeuser · 16/10/2017 09:56

My partner nephew is a lovely bright nerdy 15 year old . Very well behaved and got a great future .

My partner and I have been together for 7 years with 2 small dcs.

We regularly look after nephew for sometimes days at a time and are involved with his life . No problems there I feel like I have a great relationship with him and he with my children . Hes a lovely sweet boy quite immature for his age in many ways .

Recently my dp told me nephew had been saying very unpleasant unkind things about me and what a horrible person I was and shouldn't be with Dp.

This is has shocked me and I've cried many tears over it. I am so angry with it that he could be so rude and disrespectful when I have tried to put a lot of energy into building a relationship with him .

I don't know whether to speak to him mum , or just leave it or should I be writing this off as normal teenage behaviour?

Aibu to being this hurt and angry or should I really have a better perspective on the situation as he is in fact a minor ?

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 16/10/2017 10:00

I think it's up to your DP to talk to him and call him out on his comments. I don't think at age 15 I'd go straight to his parent. I'd tackle it with him first.

WaxOnFeckOff · 16/10/2017 10:03

He might only be 15 but hes old enough to take responsibility for what he says though with allowances fir his immaturity. I have 16 and 17 year old boys, neither of which are the most social of beings, so not the parent of toddlers.

Original poster
sorryghadtochangeuser · 16/10/2017 10:04

My dp did stick up for me, should I just leave it at that then ?

I just don't feel I want him around our house when he is saying things about me behind my back

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/10/2017 10:07

Sticking up for you isn't the same as addressing it with the child concerned. That's what he needs to do.

He should do it face to face, when he's visiting, and say that certain comments he's made have been brought to his attention and he's very unhappy about it. Give him the chance to tell your DP why. Could just be ridiculous teenage posturing.

It's then up to DP to say that a heartfelt apology is expected (at the very least) or he's no longer welcome in your house. Apology to be sincere and to you.

Arseface · 16/10/2017 10:13

Who told your DP about the comments?
I think, with a 15yr old you know well, it would be best if you spoke to the person he said this to, to be sure of what was said and in what context, and talk to the lad yourself.
Non confrontational, explain that you heard he's been saying these things and you're sad and surprised as you'd thought you got on quite well and liked having him over.
The more people involved, the more drama. Also, there may have been a confusion over who said what, someone else stirring or a misunderstanding.
Find out what's really been said and how, then tackle it between the two of you.

Arseface · 16/10/2017 10:15

Definitely don't get your do to talk to him while you wring your hands in the background!

Arseface · 16/10/2017 10:15

Dp!

Original poster
sorryghadtochangeuser · 16/10/2017 10:18

He said this comments directly to dp

OP posts:
Mishappening · 16/10/2017 10:20

I would just ignore it and carry on as before - he is a teenager; they say and do weird things. He will grow out of this. The more fuel you add to the fire the worse it will be. If he says such things to your DP again, he should laugh it off and treat it as the piece of silliness that it is. And you should laugh it off too.

He is of course out of order, but it may be that it is easier for him to practice his rebellion on an aunt than on his own parents.

Mishappening · 16/10/2017 10:21

BTW he sounds a bit too perfect for a 15 year old boy - he has got to let his frustrations out somewhere.

Namethecat · 16/10/2017 10:23

You are the adult so I would have a conversation with him that starts with something like this " I'm upset to you think xyz about me and perhaps we should discuss why you feel this ".

Original poster
sorryghadtochangeuser · 16/10/2017 10:23

Mishappening yes I agree with you. My gut feeling is to ignore it and move on . I really hate confrontation.
I'm just a bit worried how I will cope with having him in my house with this is in the background.
I'm considering letting it settle for now and then talking to nephew directly when he is next here .

OP posts:
bluebells1 · 16/10/2017 10:37

As an adult, why don't you ask him straight? Tell him you are hurt by his behaviour and that you expected him to tell you if he is unhappy with something you did. Have a conversation. Don't shut him out.

Peeetle · 16/10/2017 10:40

Yes ask him straight.

But remember that teenagers do say they hate their parents and lots of other people they care about.

Original poster
sorryghadtochangeuser · 16/10/2017 10:41

I would like to bluebells . I'm a bit scared though his mother will see it as a confrontation and confront me . Also I'm not sure is Dp told nephew that I would be informed .

I don't want the whole thing to blow up in my face . The family are known for dramatic scenes

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/10/2017 10:41

Oh god I didn't realise he said them to your DP!

I wouldn't want him in the house either. I don't think it's wrong to say that someone who shows open contempt for you is not welcome in your home.

You either need to talk to him direct or he needs to be told he is not welcome anymore. Don't just let him come and it never gets brought up again - you'll never feel comfortable while he's there again.

Original poster
sorryghadtochangeuser · 16/10/2017 10:43

I'm finding myself very angry with nephew that as a child he thinks it's ok to criticise me , and to go as far as to say that I shouldn't be In a relationship with dp. Who does he think he is ?
That anger I need to dispel before I speak to anyone in rl about it .
I am feeling dreadful right now . So hurt and upset and simultaneously angry

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 16/10/2017 10:43

I wouldn't ignore it. It was rude and you were upset. If you feel DO has dealt with it then fair enough, but I think you need to let him know that you know.

He's 15 he needs to know that talking about people behind their back is unacceptable. I'd expect a far younger child to know that. He needs to learn about how to deal with consequences if his mouth. He probably didn't mean it and was venting about something else but you just happened to get the backlash.

Shemozzle · 16/10/2017 10:46

What did he say? We can't really judge if you are over reacting or not. From the description of his personality, is it possible he has ASD? My brother has Aspergers and is just outright blunt and can be offensive without realising. He can dislike the most trivial things about people but wouldn't realise he was being offensive.

Papafran · 16/10/2017 10:48

If I were DP, I don't think I would have told you about the comments, knowing it would upset you and would not really help. Instead, I would have tackled the comments head on and said to the nephew that unless he could be pleasant, he was not welcome in the house.

bluebells1 · 16/10/2017 10:52

He is probably repeating what he heard someone else say. Either way, you need to get to the bottom of this and figure out what went wrong. If his mum does not like it that is her problem, not yours! As an aunt, you have some responsibility in making him understand how human interactions work. Sometimes, confrontation is necessary to sort out the problems.

Foxysoxy01 · 16/10/2017 11:02

You need to confront this in some way or it will fester and become more and more of a simmering rage beneath the surface.

What you need to work out is how best to confront it.

I would imagine it being better if you and him have a chat alone together and work out why he feels the way he does and tell him how it has made you feel.

It might be best to pre warn his mother what is going on and that you are going to have a friendly chat with him first.

Tbh I think as it is your home too that allowing Nephew back to your home before having aired it all out would be a mistake and unfair on you.

At 15 ilhe is old enough to know that he has behaved horribly and to understand that his actions can hurt others and everything that entails.

I find it more nasty that he has been lovely to your face and then obviously really laid into you behind your back and to your partner aswell! It's not just a case of not getting along together he is actively trying to get your DP to leave you which needs to have serious repercussions.

NewDaddie · 16/10/2017 11:05

From what I gather your dp already addressed the issue directly with their nephew at the time.

Are you not happy with how dp handled it or defended you? If so you should ask dp to address the issue again.

Are you just angry and want to get back at a CHILD? If so you have some growing up to do, and his mother would be more than justified in giving you a thorough dressing down for abusing her child.

Original poster
sorryghadtochangeuser · 16/10/2017 11:11

Newdaddy there's always one ! Biscuit

As previously explained my dp said we have a lovely relationship. There was no telling nephew his words were inappropriate.

OP posts:
everymummy · 16/10/2017 11:12

You often shouldn't take the things teenagers say at face value. I brought up my DH's nephew and he often said things like this at around fourteen. He used to call me his witch-aunt, etc. I was fair game to him because he was coming to terms with his actual blood relatives letting him down, or at least not stepping up the way I did. I was a scapegoat for his anger.

If he generally seems to like you then this is the true situation. Fifteen year olds are not good at hiding their true feelings consistently. So it's more likely to be that these unkind words are motivated by something else.

Is his home life less than ideal?

Either way, you are going to need some conclusion or the unpleasantness will linger, so this is a good time to teach him that words get around. Just say to him, DP told me you said x, how about we have a talk about how you're feeling and what can be done to make you happier.

In any case, half of what they say is ill-thought out, spur of the moment stuff. You are the adult. Forgive him and forge ahead.

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