Please help me get some perspective ( teenager)

[sorryghadtochangeuser]

My partner nephew is a lovely bright nerdy 15 year old . Very well behaved and got a great future .

My partner and I have been together for 7 years with 2 small dcs.

We regularly look after nephew for sometimes days at a time and are involved with his life . No problems there I feel like I have a great relationship with him and he with my children . Hes a lovely sweet boy quite immature for his age in many ways .

Recently my dp told me nephew had been saying very unpleasant unkind things about me and what a horrible person I was and shouldn't be with Dp.

This is has shocked me and I've cried many tears over it. I am so angry with it that he could be so rude and disrespectful when I have tried to put a lot of energy into building a relationship with him .

I don't know whether to speak to him mum , or just leave it or should I be writing this off as normal teenage behaviour?

Aibu to being this hurt and angry or should I really have a better perspective on the situation as he is in fact a minor ?

Thanks every mummy good advice. .
I have forgiven him. I think I'm just shocked I didn't see it coming .
I am concerned for his welfare .
I thought I was a positive strong adult in his life

You are, that is exactly why you are getting this crap.

Don't think of it as something that has built up and then come out, he was probably just sounding off and you were a convenient target.

I also think you're DP must take some blame for passing on this information 'in the cold light of day' rather than dealing with it himself in its moment and finding out what the actual problem is/was.

You might want to tell your (I'm sure lovely but in this case dumbass) DP you are raising it with DN precisely because he didn't - because you believe things are better out in the open and you feel it's important your DN understands that yours is a house where feelings can be discussed. This will stand you in good stead for the future.

There's quite a good book called 'how to talk to teenagers so they listen' which teaches a simple method that changed everything for us.

I think I'm going to tell dps nephew I love and care about him and am worried he's upset and ask him to share with me his problems

Personally I'd put the ball in his court to start with. I'd commence the conversation by saying that your DP mentioned that he (DN) had some problem that related to you and could he explain what it was about?

You can then probe from there.

I'm not saying you shouldn't say that you love and care for him or that you are worried, I'd just save that for later in the conversation.

Typically a conversation about something that hasn't been going well with my DSs ends on something like "I'm glad that we've talked about this and you should know that you are very much loved and important and that there is nothing that you can't come and talk to me about"

I meant to add that after asking him to explain the problem, his initial reaction usually gives the context to the rest of the coversation and gives insight as to whether he meant it or not. You could get sheepish, embarrassed, brazen, denial or anything.

*He said this comments directly to dp

(a) DP shouldnt be tittle tattling and repeating whata 15yo said.

(b) DP should have delt wit h it at the time

That anger I need to dispel before I speak to anyone in rl about it I think you need to get a grip TBH

I think I'm going to tell dps nephew I love and care about him and am worried he's upset and ask him to share with me his problems I have no words! I would just liek an update when you have this conversation !!!!