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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New relationship

35 replies

mummabear17 · 15/10/2017 17:37

Not sure if this really comes under AIBU but wanting advice/opinions please!

I’m 25 have a 9 month old son and have recently started seeing someone for just over 6 weeks now. Not saying that this is what I’m planning right away obviously but how long/soon is a sensible/reasonable amount of time before you decide your new partner and your child can meet/be around each other?

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Needadvicetoleave · 15/10/2017 17:39

At least 6 months

Ellendegeneres · 15/10/2017 17:41

Ages. Unless you were friends before, but I would in no way be playing happy families or introducing my child to someone who I hadn't known for at least 6months, was serious about and actually knew what made them tick.

AfunaMbatata · 15/10/2017 17:41

18 months.

Original poster
mummabear17 · 15/10/2017 17:44

Thanks for comments so far. Just to clarify - I have no intention of playing happy families at any point! DS already has a Dad I have no intention of trying to replace that 😊

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Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/10/2017 17:55

A year at least !

fantasmasgoria1 · 15/10/2017 18:08

If it becomes serious and perhaps love begins to be mentioned? I know no one in real life that waited a year or 18 months to introduce when relationship has been serious!!!!

AliPfefferman · 15/10/2017 18:11

Normally I would say several months at least, but for a child under 18 months or so I think you could relax that a bit, just because they are so clueless at that age. I still wouldn't leave the baby alone with the new partner or have the new partner around enough for the child to get used to him being around and miss him if he left, but I think it's fine for the new guy to "meet" the baby and see him say once a week or so. A baby of that age doesn't understand the dynamics of relationships, parents, etc. I'm married to my DCs' father and have been since long before they were born but I have plenty of friends who have spent varying amounts of time with us over the years, and in fact my DCs have had a few different long-term nannies that have come and gone, and it's never been a problem. If your new partner is still in the picture when the baby is a bit older you can gradually increase the amount of time he is around and your child won't ever remember not knowing him.

Original poster
mummabear17 · 15/10/2017 18:17

Thank you that makes sense. I’m asking mainly because when we want to go out and do something, I have to find someone to have DS. Therefore was wondering how long we should leave it until we could maybe do something that included him so we could be more flexible with when we see each other/what we do.... obviously DS comes first and won’t do anything before I think everyone is ready... just didn’t have a clue what others experience etc was and wanted some ideas 😊

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Original poster
mummabear17 · 15/10/2017 18:18

Forgot to add they would never be alone together at any point too

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AnathemaPulsifer · 15/10/2017 18:19

At 9 months I think it's entirely up to you. When they're a bit older I'd say 3-6 months AND being reasonably confident the relationship will last.

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries · 15/10/2017 18:21

6 months. It's important to see how a potential part of your future interacts with your children. I wouldn't waste 18 months with someone only to discover they're crap with my DD

Birdsgottafly · 15/10/2017 18:25

It's fine to start going for days out at this stage. As said, it would be a complete waste of time to wait and your child be old enough to remember him, then you find out he's someone you wouldn't want around your child.

It will be months before DS would be able to remember him, if you split, so now is the right time.

Santawontbelong · 15/10/2017 18:26

Your ds won't realise he is a bf - let them interact and see how you /him /ds are. .Pointless waiting months if it's a bad combo!!

OVienna · 15/10/2017 18:34

With a child that young I can't see how suggestions of keeping them apart for a year to 18 months are very practical. You are only going to see the guy after 8 on and never at w:e???

Original poster
mummabear17 · 15/10/2017 18:47

OVienna that’s the main reason I’m posting. ATM we can only meet once a week/fortnight due to his work shifts too, so would be nice to have more flexibility. He’s been really good about waiting for me to arrange childcare so far and been really patient and considerate so it’s nice

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LongWavyHair · 15/10/2017 18:50

I think about 1-2 years

KC225 · 15/10/2017 19:01

I had this conversation with DH after we went to visit a friend and his new girlfriend of two weeks and was shocked to see her 11 and 14 test old daughters running about the place. TWO weeks. TWO weeks. I made DH promise that it would be a year before either of us introduced someone else. He said I was nuts as we are not splitting up but I got him to promise anyway.

So for us, a year.

Rosieeee · 15/10/2017 19:02

I’d say you’ll know when the right time is I was seeing my partner for about 4 months before we went on our first day out with my son! My son was about 17 months old and like you I was finding it really hard to find someone or even to leave him When we wanted to go out he wanted to meet my son but like you I never knew when the right time was so it was 4 months into seeing each other that I thought okay and we went to the sea life centre for the day!! My son was my world and I wanted to see how he took to my partner before getting into a relationship... we’ve been together nearly a year know and my son absolutely loves him and vice versa you.

You just have to do what feels right for you you know what’s best for your child and you do what makes you both happy 😃 x

OVienna · 15/10/2017 19:03

He needs to get used to your lifestyle too. If you kept that up for a year plus it would come as a shock. Some people are even married by then? There is a difference between playing happy families and then finding out that tbh he enjoys the single you lots- the woman with a child in tow not so much. I would not want to discover this after a full year.

LoverOfCake · 15/10/2017 19:07

A year is an awful long time to invest in a relationship only to discover that the bf doesn't stack up as a potential step parent. Added to which a nine month old baby isn't going to think of someone in relationship terms so perfectly acceptable to e.g. Go on days out and take the baby as well at this stage.

In RL I don't know a single person who waited any longer than three months before introducing a partner, but I do think that A, a baby is different to a walking talking reasoning three-nine year old and that from ten/eleven upwards and especially into teenagedom they're not stupid and know that you're dating anyway so it's perfectly possible to do an introduction without insisting on playing happy families.

Plus any relationship can end at any time. You could still wait a year and split up three months later or you could introduce them after three months and spend the rest of your lives together.

bridgetreilly · 15/10/2017 19:10

At this point, I think it's fine for the baby to meet him, like he's any other friend. I wouldn't be having him to stay and be in the house all the time, but going out for a meal or a coffee or a walk in the park? I can't see the problem, tbh.

Goldenhedgehogs · 15/10/2017 19:12

Don't forget you can use Clare's Law which is where you ask police for information about a new partner before you start introducing them to your kids or you start getting serious with them

Original poster
mummabear17 · 15/10/2017 19:19

Thank you @Goldenhedgehogs for that that’s useful! Thank you for all of your replies. He messaged me today asking if I was able to get childcare to go out for the afternoon with him in a couple of weeks (weird shift Work) I explained it might be difficult to get childcare for a whole afternoon going into the evening and he said that he’s happy for my DS to come along (he had suggested something child friendly anyway) but said he didn’t want to rush me and was happy to wait until a time when/if I felt comfortable doing so. As I said he has been really good with all of it so I’m hoping there won’t be a problem!!

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Original poster
mummabear17 · 15/10/2017 19:20

Thanks for your experience @Rosieeee it’s lovely to hear that it can work! I split up with my exh 16 months ago and this is my first romantic adventure since! Lol it’s all very new and exciting tho!! 😁 x

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