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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect more communication than this?

53 replies

ChickenJalfrezi · 08/10/2017 17:16

DH is on a week long business trip which includes some meetings, trainings but a large amount of socialising too. He regularly travels but are usually shorter (2-3 nights) for meetings only or up to a week for projects.

He’s currently pretty much MIA at the moment and have only had brief replies today to my messages this afternoon which largely proclaim that he’s having a tough time. I know his work schedule in the week is harder and the first few days is largely socialising.

AIBU to think given it’s the weekend we’d otherwise be having family time, it wouldn’t kill him to make sure I’m okay? For context, I’m on maternity leave with a small baby plus 2 older DCs. If it was just me/me and baby/me and older DCs I wouldn’t be quite so precious but everyone has very different needs for me to meet alone.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 08/10/2017 17:19

How many messages have you sent him?
Tbh, if you're away and trying to socialise with colleagues, numerous messages from home are not welcome.

Yes it's tough but being away is no bed of roses either. Guilt-tripping him, expecting constant communication is unreasonable I'm afraid.

And yes, I know this sounds harsh!

araiwa · 08/10/2017 17:20

he is replying to your messages

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/10/2017 17:21

Being away from home IS a bed of roses if you don't have to cook, clean, take care of children and just have to socialise with colleagues! That's what a bed of roses looks like!

TidyDancer · 08/10/2017 17:22

I think brief replies to messages if he’s having a rough time would be enough for me tbh. Presumably if there were something really wrong for either of you, you would’ve said so in the messages so I’m not sure them being brief would bother me. I wouldn’t like it if he didn’t phone a couple of times during the week away though.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 08/10/2017 17:23

Why would you not be okay? If you weren't okay, what exactly would him texting do to fix whatever your problem was? You sound very needy for an adult.

TidyDancer · 08/10/2017 17:24

Completely disagree @MyBrilliantDisguise. DP and I both have to travel on occasion and I would much rather be home with the DCs than away with colleagues. Neither are a bed of roses but the latter is worse for me.

sonjadog · 08/10/2017 17:24

I don´t see the problem. He is replying to your messages. He says he is having a rough time at the moment, i.e. he is busy and can´t give you 100% of his attention. That´s okay.

Original poster
ChickenJalfrezi · 08/10/2017 17:26

I guess from previous experience though the longer he’s away the more he messages as he misses Home whereas I find it harder when he’s just gone and expect some support. So it’s the imbalance that bothers me as I know he’ll be after a pep talk about not being long until he’s home later in the week (when actually he’ll be fed up of boozing with colleagues)

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenJalfrezi · 08/10/2017 17:28

I am very needy at the moment NoCry. I have a baby that won’t sleep and two bored DC

OP posts:
Janek · 08/10/2017 17:29

There's nothing wrong with being needy in your situation EnvyFlowers.

Janek · 08/10/2017 17:30

Excuse the Envy, my finger must have slipped, it was just the flowers...

TalkinBoutWhat · 08/10/2017 17:31

Chicken - you need to widen your support base. Do you have friends you can txt and have a moan to that would give you some support?

WillowWeeping · 08/10/2017 17:32

Travelling for work is def not a bed of roses despite what my DH and DC seem to think

Meetings often run from 8-5 and I'll have 3-4 hours of calls on urgent tings that I have to fit around the meetings. Plus I need to find time to do my "day job".

Factor in possible jet lag, enforced socialising and when it's my own meeting ensuring logistics are set I barely have a second to myself.

TwitterQueen1 · 08/10/2017 17:35

But what support can your DH realistically offer OP? I've been on both sides of the divide here - baby #3 induced early so DH could go to the US for 3 weeks, DC2 in plaster, plus a 4 year old..... yes it's tough, but tbh being at home is the better option.

When you're away you are ALWAYS working, even when you're in the bar trying not to yawn, trying to be interested and attentive, going to long meals where you're 'always on' and talking shop, coming up with brilliant ideas about how you can all work better blah blah.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 08/10/2017 17:35

I am very needy at the moment NoCry. I have a baby that won’t sleep and two bored DC

Ok, so acknowledge this isn't something he can fix from wherever he is. Kids can and a real drag at different stages In their lives, accept this is the stage you're in right now and just plough on through. If he is busy, he is busy. There is literally nothing he can do to change what is happening at home while he is away. My advice would be to get yourself out of the house as much as you can and see lots of people, family, friends etc.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 08/10/2017 17:36

Can be a real drag

Original poster
ChickenJalfrezi · 08/10/2017 17:39

Talkin I’ve messaged a few but to be fair to them, they can’t see what the big deal is. I just get lonely quickly and with the time difference it’s hard to keep in touch

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/10/2017 17:41

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that travelling with work was always a bed of roses, but there's no doubt that for some people they'd rather do that than be at home with their family, doing things to help them.

Expemsiveuniform · 08/10/2017 17:42

He’s not MIA. he’s answering?

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 17:45

Look, constant whining is incredibly offputting. No one wants a barrage of moany texts and naggy phonecalls when they are away on a work trip. He is not home: he is at work. He can't help you at present. Can you get your mum/sister/mil/a friend to give you a hand? If not, can you cut some corners on housework to make life easier on yourself?
Do what you can to make it all easier - and plan some sort of outing/treat for yourself when he comes back.

Parker231 · 08/10/2017 17:51

I’ve worked away from home regularly for the whole of my career - pre and post DC’s. It’s no fun and I hated leaving DH and DC’s at home especially when they were babies. You’re much luckier being at home in your own bed, can eat when you want, go out when you want and have control over your day.

MaitreKarlsson · 08/10/2017 18:29

Well I don't think you're being 'needy' or whining, OP. Unsure why other posters think it's such a big ask for anyone to formulate a pleasant message and send it Hmm - especially when their OH is enabling them to go on the business trip by holding the fort at home. My DH does the same - briefest of replies to any message while travelling. Annoying...

Allthewaves · 08/10/2017 18:53

Dh works away some days we don't talk or even message - there's no right or wrong amount of contact. He replied to your messages - it's not like he is mia

deepestdarkestperu · 08/10/2017 18:55

I see both sides.

On one hand, he’s working and that should be his priority, but it doesn’t take long to send a message to make sure you’re okay and to show a bit of sympathy.

Do whatever you can to make things easier on yourself while he’s gone, and get him to take over when he’s back. I find it easier to assume I’ll get no contact (so any contact is good) than expect it and get disappointed.

Maya12 · 08/10/2017 19:20

We both travel with work a few times a year. One message a day and if possible during kids' waking hours, a quick Skype call. But to be honest, being away is being away. The rhythm of your days are set by hotel breakfast/meeting/dinner appointments and I'm lucky if I can fit in a couple of hours to get changed and catch up on work emails or prepare the next meeting. Feeling like I've got to respond to partners' messages several times a day would be quite stressful.

Being the one left to hold fort at home is definitely the rough end of the deal, esp when on mat leave where the dats can drag endlessly in a sleep deprived overwhelmed kind of way. It got better when I was back at work too and it goes both ways.