to expect more communication than this?

[ChickenJalfrezi]

DH is on a week long business trip which includes some meetings, trainings but a large amount of socialising too. He regularly travels but are usually shorter (2-3 nights) for meetings only or up to a week for projects.

He’s currently pretty much MIA at the moment and have only had brief replies today to my messages this afternoon which largely proclaim that he’s having a tough time. I know his work schedule in the week is harder and the first few days is largely socialising.

AIBU to think given it’s the weekend we’d otherwise be having family time, it wouldn’t kill him to make sure I’m okay? For context, I’m on maternity leave with a small baby plus 2 older DCs. If it was just me/me and baby/me and older DCs I wouldn’t be quite so precious but everyone has very different needs for me to meet alone.

Thanks all. I caught up with him. Apologised for being crazy. It may sound nuts to some but there is only so much time I can enjoy being alone. Except you’re never really alone with 3DC I know but alone without him.

Arrange a time when he can chat to you for half an hour or so every day.

I don’t think arranging a set time is a good idea at all, really.

If he’s at work, he won’t know when he’s free. What if a meeting overruns or he has to deal with an urgent call or visit from a client? He can’t just excuse himself to ring his wife.

But he can make sure he gets in touch at least twice a day - when he gets up and before bed. Nobody is so busy that they can’t send a text on the toilet in the morning or after they’ve brushed their teeth.

Why do you feel you need so much contact from him, OP? I understand you have a newborn but if he’s at work, you can’t expect him to be at your beck and call just because you’re feeling lonely.

Have never felt more alone than alone with young children.
Have you got any friends you can invite over? Radio 4 is full of adults I used to find....
Hope it goes by quickly.

PS how you are feeling isn't needy which is a neurotic state, you just have needs. Big difference.

Ohyesiam I do thank you, I’m very lucky and for the rest of the week I have plans most days. Without sounding like a total loser, there is no one like my DH I can just be myself with. I can chat to friends or family and cope fine with the logistics of parenting but when I am finding things tough then he just makes it better by being here.

When my OH worked away from home we used to skype in the mornings when he was getting ready for work, so just taking his phone into ghe bathroom whilst he shaved, cleaned his teeth etc. It was no time out of his actual day, but it just felt "normal"

My DH is overseas most of the time. I'd like more contact but he's working - he's busy. As long as I know he's ok I try to leave it at that.

The expectations and the possibilities often don't match up.

It's no help to you but I do (kind of) know where you're coming from, I do sympathise, but I don't think you can expect much more.

DH also travels a lot, and when the DC were very tiny, was often away over the weekend too. There is absolutely no doubt that weekends are hardest. When you have some semblance of weekday routine, and see people (even if not to say more than "hello" to) it makes an enormous difference.

When he is in back to back meetings (and I have to include even meal times in that, because he rarely has the opportunity to eat alone) and time differences are tricky, it can be hard to exchange more than a few words. We have built up a range of emojis we use, that both let each other know how the other is doing, and what they are up to, and have the advantage of making each other laugh (or know when they need some support). It takes seconds to send (and can be done at the dinner table or under the desk at a meeting!) and can really help get you through the day.

I also worked on doing "a thing" with the DC when we had those horrible weekends on our own. It might just be going to the park to splash in puddles, or going to a cafe for a cake. It helped stop that feeling of being trapped and alone though, and gave the older DC something to tell him when he did manage to make a call. I've also found that doing something for myself that I can't do when he is there helps. In my case, it is sleeping diagonally in bed. I love it.

It is really, really hard. I struggled too. However, you'll find a groove eventually.

UPDATE - I had flowers arrive from him today which had been despatched on a Saturday, so now I feel like a total twat for getting all silly yesterday

Nice update! Instead of just feeling guilty - perhaps he also realised he'd been taking you a bit for granted...

I'd agree with the asking for granted thing. And also that it's harder being the one left at home with kids and an incommunicado OH who spends quite a bit of time socializing. It's often difficult because you're usually at the mercy of whatever time they are available. And they sometimes seem to be having a problem finding time to fit you in around their activities.
I'd say short replies through the day are understandable, as long as he makes time to phone or send a decent email at the end of the day, depending on the time difference. Otherwise you'll feel a bit neglected in favour of his social life. Make sure he knows how you feel.

Sympathies op- my dh is away at the moment and I’ve been fed up with it too. It’s not even that they can do anything about it really, it’s just wanting to hear from them just for a bit of an emotional boost. That’s lovely you got flowers though! Hope you’re feeling better.
I’m counting down the days til mine gets back - 3 older dcs, a baby who’s teething and grumpy, car problems, Bathroom leak the other day and a giant spider invading the house and freaking me out mean that I’ve been so fed up with him gone this time. I normally just plod on and the days go quick enough but when they’re away over weekends that’s the worst

ANOTHER UPDATE - possibly outing but fuck it, who cares by now.

DH called today and told me that a junior colleague came knocking on his door late last night, very pissed, wanting him to come back out and ‘join the party’ or ‘keep him company’. He sent her packing however got very upset at my suggestion that he may not be disclosing a full and accurate version of events which frankly, didn’t do him any favours given he wasn’t the injured party.

Aside from going fucking irate earlier today, now I have 4 days to wait until he gets home and although I do trust him not getting up to no good (he couldn’t lie even if he wanted to) but knowing I’m struggling at times with him being away I am beyond angry at him for putting me in this position. Thoughts and sympathy please

I think you totally overreacted. Is there a history of mistrust here? He rejected her, sent her away and told you and yet you're angry at him?

My thought is that your poor husband can't win. He's told you he sent the younger colleague away, what more do you want? Constant live camera on him? I think you need to calm down and possibly access some counselling for anxiety.

I empathise that you're lonely 'quickly', I get bored with the dh being at work and never seeing him, but I think you're maybe over anxious. Do you trust him? Why do you think he's to giving you the full truth? He didn't have to tell you a colleague had come knocking. You risk him being more secretive if you harass him for the 'full version'.

I read a lot of the Relationships board and seeing a lot of people who believe their DH never do anything wrong being caught out by an indiscretion.

He said he realises he delivered that information really badly. He made light of it initially then went nuts when I got upset. He massively overreacted to me being upset to something I worried about actually happening.

I guess it’s a time thing now but I’m over analysing everything he’s said and done. Did he send me flowers as he knew someone would be after him and it would look bad? I don’t know. But that’s where my head is at and yes, I know I have anxiety issues

I understand this mental headspace totally. I don't know if you have any reason to doubt him based on previous history, but he really should be aware and more empathetic with how he behaves while away, and also how he relates things back to you.
As you know from reading the relationships board, many ppl (myself included) have no idea anything untoward would ever happen, until it does. I think it pays to set out your expectations before that point, then there's no ambiguity as to what is acceptable.
Hope you get through the next few days without going too crazy. (And have a successful interrogation on his return )

So he told you what happened and called him a liar and implied you think he cheated?

The relatipnship board can be great for support. However its not great to read if you are already feeling insecure. People post when their relationship is going through a hardship. Its easy ti get sucked in and think all men or all relationships are like that.

No-one posts about the thousands of realtionships that are fine. That are good. No-one posts about the men that dont cheat. Why would they?

If you are already feeling insecure its easy for that board to increase thise feelings, for you to use those threads to back up your insecurity.

The problem is that its damaging your relationship.

You cant keep doing this. Its not healthy for you or him.

Regardless of whether anything happened or not (FWIW my gut reaction is it didn’t) what I am now struggling with is how he spoke to me and for ruining my week that had improved and I thought I was doing well on my own. For once!

I just don’t really want to talk to him now because I am angry, it will just waste more of my time and make me feel worse when I can get on and do what makes me feel good. Firstly looking after the DC. Secondly trying to make some plans to go out with friends tonight/tomorrow.

He didnt ruin your week. You saying he was lying did.

You need to sort your issues out, OP, and your DH isn't one of those issues.

When dh goes away I feel guilty because I know how much he hates being away from home, all the travelling, working 12/14 hour days etc. Meanwhile I'm happily at home getting on with life. I know he's always counting down the days until he comes home. Some days he'll only briefly message me and that's fine, as long as I know he's ok I don't expect any more. Tbh op you sound like there's already some mistrust in your relationship, if dh told me something like that we'd laugh about it. If he goes away regularly you need to start finding things with friends or family to keep yourself occupied, and the days will go faster.

When dh goes away I feel guilty because I know how much he hates being away from home, all the travelling, working 12/14 hour days etc. Meanwhile I'm happily at home getting on with life. I know he's always counting down the days until he comes home. Some days he'll only briefly message me and that's fine, as long as I know he's ok I don't expect any more. Tbh op you sound like there's already some mistrust in your relationship, if dh told me something like that we'd laugh about it. If he goes away regularly you need to start finding things with friends or family to keep yourself occupied, and the days will go faster.

MN is always overly harsh to the left alone parent I feel. It's tough, I've been there. (My DH is due home for christmas) a bit of contact isn't unreasonable. My DH is 'always on' socialising, meeting etc but he is also an adult who can talk. He says ' you know guys, it's a sunday I'm missing my kids and myI wife is a bit low - I'm just going to take 10 mins out to call them' noone sacks him, thinks any less of him. In fact they keep asking him to do bigger better things.

I’m working away this week - I hate it buts a part of my job. I had dinner last night with a male colleague. I told DH when I rang home. DH knows I hate having dinner on my own so was pleased that I had company. DH and I trust each other and have no reason not to.

You seem to have turned a situation into a huge issue and created additional stress for yourself. Make arrangements to see friends and family and get on my your life.