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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU

32 replies

Hookeslaw · 07/10/2017 17:18

My boyfriend is going on a stag night to Germany. He is best man.

The stag wants to go to a lap dancing club as lots of the others are wanting to go too.

Boyfriend says he has no interest. Has never been to one and says if I really hate it he won’t go but he would like it if I would be ok with him going in as part of the crowd but will under no circumstances get a dance.

I hate everything about them. I just do and actually don’t want him to go anywhere near one.

Hypercritically though I went to a hen night a few months ago in a cottage. The hen had a butler in the buff. I don’t like this either. Not my thing but did I get up and leave and sit in my room?No I sat at the back of the room chatted to another friend and read my phone.

So am I being unreasonable seeing as I went with the crowd? Will a one off hurt?
He knows a dance would be the end. But I don’t get the whole I am so sad I need to titillate with naked women thing and buy consent.
Each to their own though but its not for me or anyone I want to be with.

Aghh AIBU?

OP posts:

Penny4UrThoughts · 07/10/2017 17:20

Did you ask your boyfriends permission to go to the hen with the buff butler?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 17:20

It’s not really a thing that you can be unreasonable about overall; you’re entitled to your opinion.

It would be hypocritical to ask him not to go in when you didn’t leave an equivalent situation, though, in my opinion. Although if he didn’t care about the butler, there’s an argument that it doesn’t matter and he won’t mind the hypocrisy.

ZaraW · 07/10/2017 17:21

He told you what was going to happen he doesn't sound thrilled about it just like you when you were at your party. So yes I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2017 17:22

He said he isn't going to get a dance

I don't think you can ban him from going

Original poster

Hookeslaw · 07/10/2017 17:24

I did not know BiB was happening.

It was a surprise from the maid of honour.

I would not ban him. But would feel sad/ hurt.

I don’t want to feel this way.

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 07/10/2017 17:30

my dh would hate that too.. but if it was part of a weekend and he couldnt see a way out of it i wouldnt fuss.

Emotionalweek · 07/10/2017 17:33

I think as you have been and seen sonething similar you would be really hypocritical to feel hurt and hold it against him.

Why is it ok for you to do something similar?

Where would your feelings of hurt come from? If you figure that out, you may be able to move past it.

QueenArseClangers · 07/10/2017 17:33

How many 'butlers in the buff' are really part of the sex trade/abused?
Not may I reckon compared with 95% of women involved in stripping etc.
It's a totally false comparison.

existentialmoment · 07/10/2017 17:33

It's not hypocritical because a single naked man pretending to be a butler in a private house is not at all the same thing as a lap dancing club. The history, the oppression, the possibility of trafficked/co-erced women, the nature of the performances....it's completely different.

Especially as OP didn't even know about it before she was confronted by it.

I wouldn't expect to have to ask my OH not to go to a lap dancing club, he wouldn't anyway.

MrsHathaway · 07/10/2017 17:34

Does he know the bride? One would hope so. As best man one of his responsibilities is to keep the groom only just the right side of the line. If a strip club would devastate the bride, the best man should say so.

MrsHathaway · 07/10/2017 17:35

Cross posts with comments about BIB not being equivalent. Gross, but not in the same league as strip club or lap dance etc.

Witsender · 07/10/2017 17:35

Mine would hate it and wouldn't join in. Hand on heart would wait in a bar and join again later.

If he were to say what yours has, I'd just leave the decision to him. He knows my thoughts, he doesn't get to put the decision on me and make me the bad guy or whatever. Similarly by saying 'i want to go even though I hate it (uh huh) but won't it you say so' he is actually putting pressure on you to say yes, and that would just remove your ability to have feelings on the subject. I'm guessing you feel like you should be saying go for it?

The butler in the buff is very different, you had no idea it was going to be happening.

QueenArseClangers · 07/10/2017 17:40

Equating male strippers/BIB is total whataboutery.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/10/2017 17:48

I've been to two strip joints on stag do's. I loathe the places.

Unless you like the idea of paying for sex (yeah, I know a dance isn't sex; but it is) then they are just a grubby, expensive, uncomfortable way to spend an evening.

Strip clubs are a non-optional part of some blokes idea of stag. Some women have no issue with their men getting dances. These people are my friends, so I went along with their plans, without compromising my values. There is no difference between your BF sat in a lap dancing club and you sat in a room with a butler in the buff.

Your feelings are entirely reasonable, but if he (as best man) doesn't go on the stag do it could end the friendship. If you think BF can't be trusted, he's not the man for you. If he can, then YAB (a bit) U.

AtHomeDadGlos · 07/10/2017 17:48

‘Can’t see a way out of it’. There is a way out. You just don’t go in.

This has happened to me on several stag dos, including one in Hamburg (I bet that’s where they’re going) in the ReiperBahn (sp?) area. It’s basically a red light district.

Had no idea where we were going at the time, it was one of those turn up at the airport and find out then jobs. Had I known, and known that we were staying in some grotty hostel, I wouldn’t have gone. I really would have preferred to save my money.

My wife hates the idea of strip clubs and I don’t see the point in them. Some poor girl having to gyrate on you, it’s a horrible idea.

I simply say ‘not for me lads’ and leave them to it. I’ve had one or two try to persuade me ‘it’s what the groom wants’ ‘you’ll ruin the night’ etc etc. All nonsense.

It did feel a little dodgy leaving them in the middle of the night out in Hamburg as I didn’t know the city, speak the language and I’d had a few drinks, but after a few wrong turns down some dodgy side streets I had a nice midnight stroll down the main drag and headed back to the grotty hostel. No one really gave a toss the next morning. And they were all considerably lighter in their pockets.

I do know that lots of them didn’t tell the truth when they got back home about visiting these establishments.

I think you need to reflect on exactly why it is you oppose the idea and explain it to him. If he respects you more than his friends then it’ll be apparent in his actions.

Original poster

Hookeslaw · 07/10/2017 17:49

Witsender that is exactly it.

The bride seemingly doesn’t mind.

He says the only reason he is even thinking of this as its his best mate and a drunk liability. If it was anyone but this mate he would go sit somewhere else.

The groom is an adult though all be it his stag!
Looking at reviews for Hamburg the whole Reeperbahn maybe bad enough.

Aghhh!

OP posts:

steppemum · 07/10/2017 17:50

I think that it sounds as if he is uncomfortable and would rather not be going, but that he is going along with the crowd. My dh would feel really put on the spot and hate it.

In terms of your relationship with him, either you believe that or you don't. If you believe it, then cut him some slack.

But the other issue is whether or not he should take a stand with his friends and say - come on guys this is not right, demeans women etc.
That would be huge for him to do, and I wouldn't necessarily expect it of him.

The person I woudl feel irritated with is the stag who is pushing this.

Witsender · 07/10/2017 18:14

He doesn't have to push it with them, he could just say it isn't his bag and he'll catch them after.

MrsHathaway · 07/10/2017 19:09

There is no difference between your BF sat in a lap dancing club and you sat in a room with a butler in the buff.

Except the links with organised crime including people trafficking.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/10/2017 20:04

"Except the links with organised crime including people trafficking."

I am not suggesting strip clubs are OK. I am meaning equivalence purely in the context of the OP's relationship. I don't think it's reasonable to ask BF to dictate to/opt out of a stag do he's the best man for. I think it's absolutely reasonable not to be with someone who goes for lap dances if OP thinks that's the case.

MrsHathaway · 07/10/2017 20:11

Depends if OP objects to the exploitation/crime/slavery, or only to the nudity. If she's only a prude, I agree it's equivalent in the context of her relationship and she would be a hypocrite to criticise him for staying at an event where someone arrived to take their clothes off for money.

But I suspect it's more than just prudery. Also it's different to plan to go as opposed to having it sprung on you with zero notice.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 20:16

That’s a really good way of thinking about it; and I wish I’d been able to verbalise it that way in previous conversations about this.

I think you feel quite similar to how I have previously, OP, in that you don’t want him to go but you don’t want to be the reason that he doesn’t. It’s a tough situation all round.

Original poster

Hookeslaw · 07/10/2017 22:04

Thanks yes that is it.

I hate it for the exploitation, the misogyny and the pervyness. I just hate everything about them.

OP posts:

itsbetterthanabox · 07/10/2017 23:09

If he's the best man then Is he organising it?
He can just not have that as part of it and explain why to the groom.
Or suggest another place for those that don't what to do go to a strip club to go to instead at the same time (shisha bar would be cool for example). Speak to the group about it before hand.
Does the bride know her fiancée wants to see sex workers?

ProseccoMamam · 07/10/2017 23:46

If you can’t trust him to go on a stag do but you’re allowed to go on a hen night you shouldn’t be together.

You should trust each other enough not to have to ask if you can go and join in on a friends VERY special night out.

He told you he’s going out, and he told you there will be strippers. He isn’t hiding anything and you shouldn’t be fussy about it, they’re very common in stags as I’m sure you know. And I bet he didn’t make a song and dance to you about your friends having a naked butler

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