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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

checking his phone?

29 replies

jdjejsn · 04/10/2017 22:52

DH has been acting very suspiciously with his phone lately, taking it to the toilet with him, always keeping it on him which he never usually does and i noticed he’s changed his passcode too, AIBU to have a quick look through it? I would straight up ask him but don’t want to seem paranoid Confused

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 04/10/2017 22:52

Well you either trust him or you don’t...

SleightOfMind · 04/10/2017 22:52

How are you going to check it if he
'S changed his passcode?

Lotsofsausage · 04/10/2017 22:53

um yeah that doesn't sound good. How could you look through it if you don't know passcode? Maybe ask him why he's changed it ?

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries · 04/10/2017 22:56

Hate the "you either trust him or you don't" mentality 🙄 You're allowed have a niggle, many do and it turns out they were valid niggles!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2017 23:10

If you think something is wrong, that's because it usually is. Tell him you misplaced yours and need to use his for a minute. Right then and there. The look on his face will tell you a lot.

engineersthumb · 04/10/2017 23:10

There is a lot of difference between asking to look and sneaking a look. If a man suggested snooping on his wife's phone he would be labelled "controlling". If it's bothering you probably best to ask, explain it's worried you. It may mean that you have further conversations about trust etc but that's a conversation your relationship may need, if there is no basis to the worry it may actually improve your relationship.

splatattack · 04/10/2017 23:12

Gut instinct means something...I would check

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/10/2017 23:16

I would straight up ask him but don’t want to seem paranoid 

Are you really happier with checking his phone secretly than telling him something seems up?

Check it, if you can given the passcode change, and you feel you need too. Instincts are usually there for a reason.

RavenLG · 04/10/2017 23:33

If you're asking, you know it's wrong. You want validation to check it. Be an adult and talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. Solid relationships need to have open communication channels.

RavenLG · 04/10/2017 23:33

If you're asking you know it's wrong. You want validation to check it. Be an adult and talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. Solid relationships need to have open communication channels.

TriHard27 · 05/10/2017 01:19

I don't want to advise to check it because it's an invasion of privacy etc. But also, no person who is cheating is just going to happily admit to it when asked by their partner so talking about it is equally rubbish advice. Hope it turns out to be nothing and you feel a bit more positive soon.

BadHatter · 05/10/2017 04:25

He should LTB

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/10/2017 07:08

Of course YWBU to sneakily look through his phone. It would be a massive invasion of his privacy and exceptionally controlling.

It would prove nothing except that there is no trust in your relationship so it is doomed anyway.

Ilovevegas · 05/10/2017 07:22

I too hate the mentality of you 'either trust him or you don't' Hmm

OP has stated that he has a sudden change in behaviour which isn't the 'norm' for DH so is valid to be suspicious.

Although saying that I do agree with aqua if you ask to use his phone watch his facial & body reactions. If he seems uncomfortable & twitchy it may tell you something.

My DH, if he wanted, could look through my phone whenever he liked because you know I have nothing to hide.

If it came out he was hiding something/cheating I'm pretty sure that the first thing your friends & family WONT say is 'oh my god, I can't believe you checked his phone, what a massive invasion of his privacy' Confused

Maybe I'm in the miniority, but if it looks like shit, smells like shit, it usually is shit!

Your instincts are there for a reason, don't ignore them.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 05/10/2017 07:24

Of course you shouldn't look.
Have you asked him why he chats in the toilet? What does he say?

missarcher · 05/10/2017 07:34

I kinda agree with the you either trust him or you don't... if you look and don't find anything there's still no point staying, you don't trust that person and that won't change by finding nothing

MrsJamesAspey · 05/10/2017 07:34

I’d ask to use his phone as a pp said and if he refuses then have the discussion then. Tell him that his behaviour has changed and you don’t trust him.

MrsJamesAspey · 05/10/2017 07:37

If you don’t find anything it doesn’t mean he’s necessarily trustworthy, could just mean he’s deleted it.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/10/2017 07:39

I too hate the mentality of you 'either trust him or you don't'

But why? If you need to snoop through your partners phone, you clearly don't trust them. And that really is the end of any decent relationship.

keepcalmandfuckon · 05/10/2017 09:23

@Ilovevegas agree. If my dh had a moment of insecurity and looked through my phone I wouldn't be all 'what an invasion of my privacy!'. Couldn't care less really. Nothing to hide.
If you are that worried then look.

Somerford · 05/10/2017 11:25

How would you respond if you caught him snooping through your phone and checking texts, call logs, social media inboxes etc? Would that be alright with you or do you feel that you should have a different set of rules/boundaries to him?

Bazinga1234 · 05/10/2017 11:50

I would 100% be suspicious.

My friend doesn't know her fiancés passcode and is too scared to ask because she's worried what she would find.

Myself and DH actually have the same passcode - he copied mine so he didn't forget. But we both have fingerprint recognition on eachothers - he has a better camera so I use his for that when my makeup looks good haha.

When I told DH that my friend didn't know hers, he said "if he won't tell her, then he's definitely got something to hide".

I would have no issue with my DH looking through anything on my phone. It's not a big deal to me. Same with him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/10/2017 11:54

I would straight up ask him but don’t want to seem paranoid

But you're considering snooping because that's NOT paranoid?

Either way, you need to have a conversation with him about this. Just say you're feeling insecure due to his behaviour, rather than accusing him outright.

SilverySurfer · 05/10/2017 12:24

If your spidey senses are telling you something, I would listen and check his phone, if you are able to get the password. I wouldn't care if it was snooping or not.

Maddiemademe · 05/10/2017 12:49

I agree with asking to use his phone. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Any excuses, hoovering and snatching it back or even offering to put the number in for you if you need to make a call then sorry it's pretty obvious why.

You know your DH better than anyone and I am a true believer in trusting your gut instinct. I remember that sick sensation that something was wrong and was too scared to look for a long time. I am glad I did though and after the shock of the reality of it all my life is so much better.

Hopefully it's nothing but there is often no smoke without fire I am afraid. Flowers

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