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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I owe no loyalty to someone who has dumped wife of 28 years and 4 kids to move in with strumpet

90 replies

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:05

Friend of DH, married forever to a lovely woman, who has raised four kids - youngest 15. Suddenly gets to a big birthday and decides that he's been unhappy 'for ever' and the solution is to divorce her, without warning or discussion, just moves out and then three months later, having offered her a derisory divorce settlement, tells me he's moving in with his new girlfriend.

AND HE EXPECTS ME NOT TO TELL HIS WIFE because they haven't come to terms on the divorce. He's sold their second home to buy a new house for his new gf and thinks his wife should not be told as 'it's immaterial to the divorce'.

What would you do? I'm tempted to phone HER solicitor but not tell her. But that's probably being a wuss!

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 08/04/2007 14:08

I think you have to tell if it is going to affect the divorce settlement. And also if you tell her solicitor, it probably would be better if she (the wife) heard about it from a friend rather from someone she is doing business with.

colditz · 08/04/2007 14:08

Tell her! just try to engineer a situation where ytou can let it slip, so it doesn't seem like you are stirring.

Carmenere · 08/04/2007 14:08

So his wife owns half of the house that the new woman is living in??
I think that unless you are good friends with the woman you should stay out of it tbh.

Blondilocks · 08/04/2007 14:10

I would probably say that it's not your place to tell her. When my ex got a new girlfriend he told me himself & I much prefered that to finding out from elsewhere, however we weren't married, although had been together for 10 yrs.

Although if both are friends I can see how difficult it is.

I would encourage him to tell her himself. She's bound to find out anyway.

Not saying what he's done is right, just typing my thoughts.

Did he meet the girlfriend after leaving & asking for a divorce? My opinion of my situation was that ex-OH is just as entitled to me as having a new partner but then I know he didn't cheat (he's a crap liar & we've known each other so long it'd been obvious!) - if he'd cheated it would be different.

Blondilocks · 08/04/2007 14:11

I think selling he half of the house without consulting her is totally wrong though.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:11

I know. I would rather tell her than have her hear it from someone else. Especially as some are of the opinion that she deserves to be divorced because she committed the cardinal sin of ageing a bit during their marriage - they have four fecking kids for gods sake and he was never there, always working - no wonder she has a few lines.

It is material to the divorce settlement, he made £100K profit on the house sale, whether or not he's ploughed it into the new house is immaterial since she didn't get a say in that. Her 50% (£50k) would make the difference between a pitiful pension and one that would allow her to buy food!

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 08/04/2007 14:14

I'd tell her. It affects what she gets in the divorce settlement I would tell her.

If it was just a case of he's got a new girlfriend, than I wouldn't but, but he's trying to shaft her after four kids and a pretty long marriage I'd tell her.

colditz · 08/04/2007 14:15

She needs to know NOW so she can do sometihing about it before he hides that money.

LadyTophamHatt · 08/04/2007 14:15

I'd tell her....

Blondilocks · 08/04/2007 14:15

Hmmmm... would they look into things like that as she could easily bring up about the second home to her lawyer & if it transpires that he's already sold it then surely that wouldn't do too well in his favour?

Everything just seems to get so complicated... & I really feel for you being in this difficult position.

Carmenere · 08/04/2007 14:15

But I don't understand, he has to give her 50 percent of the assets accrued during their marriage. So whether her spends it on a house for his gf is immaterial as he will still have to give her the cash after the divorce.

DeviousDaffodil · 08/04/2007 14:16

I would tell her.
He is having a mid life crisis, she and the kids will suffer.
Poor woamn.

percypig · 08/04/2007 14:17

I would tell her, the fact that he told you not to shows it probably is important to the divorce settlement. I'd phone her up and just say; "I wasn't sure whether to mention this, as I don't want to interfere, but I was concerned you might not know what your ex has done..."

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:17

He allegedly met the girlfriend AFTER they broke up (yeah, by about five minutes). But I happen to know he was throwing himself at every woman he met (including me) for years - he's a self-centred tosser.

I think I might tell her about the house and not the GF bit. After all she's actually (now) relieved to be shot of him but the financial side is what's bugging her. This is a high value divorce yet his offer to her was basically, have the house and bugger off!!!!

OP posts:

DominiConnor · 08/04/2007 14:18

Regardless of the morality, there are legal issues here. I am not a lawyer but to me this looks like he is dishonestly attempting to hide his assets by putting them in the name of the girlfriend.

I love my wife dearly, and was quite smitten from very early in our relationship, but NO way would I have given her a house 3 months after meeting her, unless the alternative was losing it.
So my interpretation is that he is being dishonest, and given that he is going to formally state his assets to the court, it seems to me that he is intending to break the law, possibly at a criminal level.
This is not being callous, or "naughty", it's theft, regardless of your interpretation of who was in the wrong in the break up. Yes I agree that he doesn't look too good, but you & I don't know the whole story, but that does not excuse fraud.

If I am correct, and you do not take reasonable steps to prevent it, such as telling the solicitor, then you are breaking the criminal law .

Telling the solicitor is pretty much the same as telling your friend, as the solicitor can't really hide such a material fact.
But if you feel embarassed or scared then it is perfectly ethical not to expose yourself to hassle by getting the lawyer to do the dirty work, as they have no emotional stake, see thins thing a lot, and of course are paid to do it.

lucy5 · 08/04/2007 14:18

It's a difficult one and the sh*t should tell her himself but if he doesn't and she finds out you knew, it could be horrible. You really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think if I were in your situation I would tell her.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:19

Carmenere - now that depends on an honest representation of assets being given to the parties doesn't it. There are lots of ways of hiding money. Undervaluing property is just one I'm afraid. If you are that way inclined you can really cut your costs if your ex is not totally competent in this area (and her solicitor, frankly, isn't).

OP posts:

Carmenere · 08/04/2007 14:19

Yes but just because he has offered a pittance doesn't mean that that is all she will get. Unless he had bought the holiday home through his business or something there is no way for him to hide the money and it(or proceeds from thereof) will be included in the financial settlement.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/04/2007 14:20

I actually agree with DC....

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:22

DominiConnor - you will get lots of brownie points for showing your wife this post - you are clearly lovely!

Actually it's not technically theft. Divorce is a civil, not criminal matter, but if the judge found out, she'd really penalise him financially.

I think I will give her a call tomorrow and see what she knows already. She's just the sort to just say 'oh how much can I have lost, is it worth the bother' because she hates fighting and feels horrible about having to put a quantifiable value on her marriage. I can't say I blame her but she's going to get screwed at this rate.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 08/04/2007 14:22

Fuck it. Tell her. I am worried about what DOC said, if that is the case and he can do that then you have to tell her.

Freckle · 08/04/2007 14:22

He will have to make full disclosure of his finances and assets, but it looks as though he will try to hide some of this. So, if the wife is a friend of yours, I would tell her what he is up to - especially as she still has at least one child who is dependent on her.

He sounds like a complete tosser, mid-life crisis or no. The fact that he has asked you to keep it from her, in my book, means you absolutely have to tell her as he clearly has no scruples at all.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:23

Carmenere - the assets won't necessarily be sold so their value isn't realised. So you only have a finger in the air estate agents valuation or agreed valuation between the parties, which when you are talking about west london flats, is liable to be out of date by the time you go to court.

OP posts:

MarsLady · 08/04/2007 14:25

She can also get herself a forensic accountant to look through his books. He won't be able to hide anything then.

Original poster

tinkerbellhadpiles · 08/04/2007 14:25

Carmenere - there is definitely no legal compunction on me to tell, just a moral one. It'd be much easier if it was a question of corporate fraud. But with civil matters, there are so many people who could potentially tell it's impossible to hold any one person culpable (except the two spouses and their lawyers).

OP posts:

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