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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having the ‘sex talk’ with teens

28 replies

Bearwithverylittlebrain · 26/09/2017 21:42

I’ve just made my DS (14) cringe with embarrassment by talking about keeping himself safe if he is intending to have sex with his girlfriend. For context, I am not in any way suggesting he is having sex but the massive love bite on his neck indicates that he and his girlfriend have passed the stage of just holding hands.

He went a delightful shade of pink when I said that it is his responsibility to use a condom to protect them both from unwanted pregnancy (and STD’s) even if she says she is on the pill. I even said that if he was too embarrassed to buy condoms, I will get them for him.

I also let him know that it is illegal for him to have sex as he is under age.

Despite his discomfort, he did say thank you, and then said he would rather talk to me than his dad “as that would be soooo cringy”.

My DP (not my DS’s dad) has said that I should not have offered to buy him condoms as I am then encouraging him to have sex.

So who is right, me or DP?

OP posts:
MOIST · 26/09/2017 21:45

These discussions are best had in the car. No eye contact and they cant escape.

Buy the condoms and leave them both in their room and the bathroom cupboard,

And repeat the message every time they go to a party.

PurplePillowCase · 26/09/2017 21:45

you are right.
your ds will have sex in not so distant future.
maybe buy a pack and put it in the first aid box (or another easy accessible but not instantly visible place) for him to take if needed.

Original poster
Bearwithverylittlebrain · 26/09/2017 21:49

We had the discussion as he was heading up to bed in order to avoid the eye contact! I learnt that from the sex talk my mum gave me when I was 15. I still get embarrassed when I think of that horrific conversation Blush.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 26/09/2017 21:51

You are right.

I don't think condoms encourage sex. It's not a playstation, you don't just give it to someone and they set it up and use it straight away.
He's already seeing someone so chances are he's thinking about sex. You're increasing his chance of safe sex.

I'd rather him have a condom than a pregnancy or STD.

Original poster
Bearwithverylittlebrain · 26/09/2017 21:51

Ooo, I could put some in his sock drawer...

On second thoughts, maybe I’ll just chuck them on his bedroom floor as he appears to have an aversion to using the furniture to put clothes in!

OP posts:
namechanger2735 · 26/09/2017 21:53

I really agree with your approach.
When I was a similar age I went to the local clinic and got condoms, I was NOT using them but all my friends were getting them and it was just a cool thing to have been given the bag of condoms at the end of the visit. My mum found them in my room and took them from me to use herself, no discussion about it with me, just didn't want me to have them as I wasn't old enough. This i think is a very silly response as if I a teenager is sexually active, they may wing it and DTD without protection, especially if they're not equipped with all the info!
It happens, as horrible as it is kids grow up and they have sex. Nothing you say will stop them and tbh I don't think anything you say can encourage them as it's a big scary thing that they need to be ready for, if they're ready they're ready and I think it's very responsible of you to talk to him like you did. I agree that you should just put condoms in his reach, when it comes to it he may not want to ask you to get them for him

Haggisfish · 26/09/2017 21:56

Ffs. Condoms do NOT encourage underage sex.

Original poster
Bearwithverylittlebrain · 26/09/2017 22:02

Oooo full agreement. Is this a first for AIBU?

OP posts:
namechanger2735 · 26/09/2017 22:03

Yeah quick, someone call someone else a dickhead. This is too nice

Littledrummergirl · 26/09/2017 22:14

See if the c card scheme is running in your area. They sign up at either a pharmacist or possibly school nurse and are given a card, show this at any pharmacy in the scheme and they will be given condoms for free. This lasts until they are 25.

I first told my boys about this when they were 13 before girls were on the scene. They have been reminded many occasions since.

Dd turns 13 soon so her turn in the next six months.

Fluffyears · 26/09/2017 22:22

You're a dickhead!!!!lol

That is really sensible, yes he is young but better to be young and protected than young and diseased/knocked up! Ffs it's not ideal at 14 but it will happen eventually and better be prepared.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 26/09/2017 22:24

Ah this was a talk openly had in our house as I used to run a sexual health clinic and the kids regularly came home to demonstrators, condoms and lube on the dining room table.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 26/09/2017 22:25

....and most of our clients started coming to us at about 14....

RedForFilth · 26/09/2017 22:29

You're right. I wish one of my parents had had a sensible talk with me when it became clear I was having boyfriends/girlfriends. All I got was my mum mentioning it half heartedly when I was 16 which was around 2 years too late.

Slarti · 26/09/2017 22:34

I wish my mum had had the talk with me and bought me some condoms, or at least let me know that was allowed. When I was around 14/15 she found some condoms as me and my gf had been having regular, safe sex. My mum went mad so we stopped using them for fear of getting caught. We got "caught" in an entirely different way. 9 months later DD1 was born.

My dad was no better. His talk amounted to "You're not having sex are you?" and I gave him the answer such a question obviously demanded.

I've never wanted to push my own kids in that direction by making them feel guilty/dirty/wrong for something that will eventually become a normal part of their lives, as it is with most people. Their safety is paramount to me and I've stressed that they must take responsibility for themselves, their safety and to never, ever allow anyone to pressure them into anything they aren't ready for or comfortable with.

GladAllOver · 26/09/2017 22:36

Is it really a good idea to leave condoms left in the bathroom cabinet?
The kids might be too embarrassed to take them because their absence would soon be noticed and they'd have to face up to the "we know what you've been up to" looks from parents or siblings.

Might be better to slip them to the DD/DS and mutter "put these away somewhere in case you ever need them".

GirlOnATrainToShite · 26/09/2017 22:38

I think it's better to have an open and honest conversation with them - why do we actively encourage and protect every other area of our children's health then when they are teens become embarrassed about talking to them about sexual health - which can be fatal or life changing......

Original poster
Bearwithverylittlebrain · 26/09/2017 23:00

Littledrummergirl unfortunately we don’t have c-card here as we are quite rural (apparently sexual health services are not required if you live outside of cities). I used to work in sexual health services where we did c-card. I spent many a happy hour making up packs of condoms and lube 😁.

As a side note, my mums so called sex talk consisted of telling me that she and my dad had a healthy and active sex life 🤢 and only married couples should engage in such activities.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/09/2017 23:05

I didn't buy condoms until ds was 16 as I didn't want to be seen to condone under age sex. We had lots of conversations about the consequences of doing it before 16.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 27/09/2017 00:02

He's hardly going to go 'mum got me condoms, so she must want me to have sex'. It's not going to encourage him to have sex, but it might encourage him to have safe sex.
I'd put them in his room, less embarrassing than the bathroom, and he knows they're there. Maybe point out the expiration date though, he might not start having sex for a while.

Garlicansapphire · 27/09/2017 00:06

Hmmm. Yes definitely worth talking about - he will have had all this at school a couple of years ago so will fully understand all the context - its not bad reminding him. Buying condoms for him is responsible and not encouragement. Thats ridiculous.

Is his Dad around? The message might come better from him.

Dixiestampsagain · 27/09/2017 00:32

I hope I can try to handle the situation exactly the same as you have when my DS reaches a similar age- I think what you said is spot on!

pigsDOfly · 27/09/2017 00:51

I was always open about these things with my DCs and sex was discussed age appropriately as they grew up. But the talk that I think made my son embarrassed was when he was about 14/15 and I had a chat with him about the need to examine himself regularly and look out for the signs of testicular cancer.

However, he clearly took it on board as when he did get it in his late twenties he was told he'd pick up the signs really early, which meant it was dealt with in it's relatively early stages.

As well as the safe sex conversations we have with our children the self examination of testicles is one that we should all have with our sons, and of course with daughters we should be explaining about regular breast examination and the importance of smear tests when the time comes. Finding the early signs could save their lives.

pigsDOfly · 27/09/2017 00:54

Sorry meant to say OP, you are absolutely right about the condoms.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2017 01:26

In my opinion, talks about sex/reproduction should happen long before the child is 14.

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