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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not bring a gift

48 replies

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:21

We are attending and engagement party of DHs sister (not particularly close). We can't attend the wedding as it's overseas and we can't afford to take all 5 (DH, 3DCs, me) of us. Money is tight as it is, only I am currently working although people don't know this.

AIBU to not bring a gift? We really can't afford $100 gift at the moment but I could use my savings or do more surveys at night to earn it. I'm not sure, we really don't have much to do with the couple other than the odd bbq twice a year and it's a lot of money to us.

Just for context, we have never received anything from them and engagement party is BYO at their place. Thank you.

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 25/09/2017 08:25

What does your DH say?

Tbh, as it's his sister and you aren't attending the wedding, I'd say bring a gift. However, if you can't afford it, you can't. Have you literally never received anything at all from them? That would be another factor in the decision.

EdithWeston · 25/09/2017 08:28

Yes, I think you should give a sibling a wedding present. And it sounds as if you might have a bit of time to save up (when is the wedding?) but it needs to be thoughtful, not necessarily expensive. And you can't bring it, as you're not going so you'll have to send it.

Only a card is needed for an engagement.

Original poster
Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:30

He is not too sure, he will probably agree with me if I lay out a logical reason. I

No, nothing for our wedding and no baby gift. The few time they have been over for dinner/coffee also nothing... I hate picking at the financial side of the relationship but it's a factor here...

OP posts:
Tainbri · 25/09/2017 08:30

I don't think you need to do engagement and wedding present, but I think you should do one or the other even if it's small.

Bobbiepin · 25/09/2017 08:33

£10 bottle of bubbly from a supermarket and a card should do. Don't put yourself out if you can't afford to.

Original poster
Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:35

The wedding is next year but engagement party in 2 weeks. I thought gift had to be at engagement party. We might see them once more before the weddingI, do I give a card again with cash or? It has to be cash, they lovel travelling and want to spend on that...

OP posts:
Original poster
Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:36

Ooo bobbiepin bubbly is a great idea!! I can find one that is fancy for a cheaper price! Thank you for the suggestion xx

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 25/09/2017 08:36

I wouldn't feel under any obligation to spend money on them under the circumstances. Just a card will do.

Original poster
Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:37

As in a quality bottle on special, not something cheap of course.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/09/2017 08:39

Yep bottle of bubbly now.
Wedding presents don't have to be given until the wedding and you might be in a better financial position by then. But if not just give what you can afford,

user1488794856 · 25/09/2017 08:39

I agree with bobbiepin, bottle of prosecco and a card. I'd be happy with that.

Birdsgottafly · 25/09/2017 08:40

If they are a family that don't do presents, then one isn't needed.

It's not going to change anything between them and she isn't going to hold a grudge.

balsamicbarbara · 25/09/2017 08:41

If you can make the money through surveys get your DH to do them under your account while you have a break Wink

AtHomeDadGlos · 25/09/2017 08:44

If they didn't for you then you don't for them. Simple.

Original poster
Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:45

balsamicbarbara haha I should! :) I currently do my own AND my DHs surveys as he has little patience with them.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 25/09/2017 08:47

I agree with Edith

In my mind the gift Iis for the wedding, or rather for their life together, rather than the engagement, if that makes sense.

NotEnglish · 25/09/2017 08:49

Blues, sorry for derailing, but where do you do surveys that pay money?

Nuttynoo · 25/09/2017 08:51

I personally wouldn’t. If they didn’t give you a gift they probably aren’t even expecting one. If you feel you must then do something meaningful or personalized (and cheap!) - family photos etc.

Travis1 · 25/09/2017 08:53

I know you don't give to receive but if they have genuinely never given you guys an engagement/wedding/baby gift then I wouldn't bother. I'd just give a card.

JoJoSM2 · 25/09/2017 08:53

I think it should be your husband's decision as it's his sister. Working on some 'logical reasons' to tell your husband what to do/tell him not to give his sister an engagement or wedding present doesn't sound very nice of you at all.

So a YABU from me as it should be primarily for your DH to decide (although you'd decide the budget together).

expatinscotland · 25/09/2017 08:59

I'd go with a bottle of bubbly now. I thought engagement parties were a thing of the past.

RB68 · 25/09/2017 09:06

I wouldn't take anything to an engagement party however as you know wedding is next yr I would start a saving pot for then - as would def give some cash at that point.

If anyone comments just say there will be a wedding gift later.

If anything at all at engagement do a nice photo frame or similar with photo in if you can (although if they are just into travelling maybe "stuff" just isn't important. Another thought might be a travel guide for wedding destination but I really wouldn't go over the top at this point

yorkshireyummymummy · 25/09/2017 09:10

I would get the kids to make a card, somethimg big with feathers, leaves etc glued on the front.
No present for engagement and a bundle of towels for wedding present if you feel you have to get them something - I would be looking in the sales between now and the wedding.
Since they didn't bother to send anything for your wedding, kids etc they have set the precedent and you can just follow suit. And you can always say that you think their idea of not getting each other presents is super and you will be following their lead.

Ttbb · 25/09/2017 09:11

Given the context sonething small would be appropriate-a silver photo frame? Maybe a nice set of mugs or sonething? They would be unreasonable to expect anything from your given their past gift track record but likewise it would be rude for you to cone empty handed.

chocatoo · 25/09/2017 09:13

A bottle of bubbly (doesn't need to be champagne). Sometimes we decorate the bottle with little sparkly 'diamonds' from the craft shop to make it personal and special ('bling' it up a bit!) - make it look like you've made a nice effort.