Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to not bring a gift

48 replies

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:21

We are attending and engagement party of DHs sister (not particularly close). We can't attend the wedding as it's overseas and we can't afford to take all 5 (DH, 3DCs, me) of us. Money is tight as it is, only I am currently working although people don't know this.

AIBU to not bring a gift? We really can't afford $100 gift at the moment but I could use my savings or do more surveys at night to earn it. I'm not sure, we really don't have much to do with the couple other than the odd bbq twice a year and it's a lot of money to us.

Just for context, we have never received anything from them and engagement party is BYO at their place. Thank you.

OP posts:

Inertia · 25/09/2017 09:18

Agree with PP, a bottle of champagne on special offer is fine for an engagement. By the time the wedding comes around DH might be working again, so you might be in a more comfortable place to make a decision.

Given that they have a history of not giving you a gift, including for a wedding, I really don't think you should put yourselves into financial difficulty to subsidise their love of travelling- even for the wedding itself, you are not obliged to give cash.

Original poster

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 09:23

Thanks everyone.

NotEnglish that's ok, I'm in Oz and I do surveys via a website called Purkle. Make about $30 a month which can be redeemed at grocery stores/department stores etc.

So I think bubbly it is for engagement and then a towel set/bath set for wedding. Everyone loves good towels and I'm sure I could find a good deal on something lovely by then.

JoJoSM2, it's not a case of me wanting to give as little as possible, initally DH didn't even think we needed to give anything.

OP posts:

RancidOldHag · 25/09/2017 09:26

I'd give a card for engagement.

And a card with a cheque in it just before the wedding.

KarateKitten · 25/09/2017 09:26

No, no gift now! Just one st the time of the wedding even though you're not going. If you give one now you'll still be expected to give a wedding gift. Engagement gifts are not really that much of a thing. Wedding gifts are. I guarantee your wedding gift at the time of the engagement will be forgotten and you'll be the assholes who didn't give a wedding gift at the time of the wedding.

Happyemoji · 25/09/2017 09:27

Why isn't he working at the moment?

bellabasset · 25/09/2017 09:30

I would take a bottle of bubbly to the engagement party.

As your dh's sil isn't in the habit of gift giving I would send them a card for the wedding with an invitation to a celebratory dinner (with bubbly) on their return from honeymoon when you can catch up on wedding photos and a photo frame would be an appropriate small gift.

TakeAnadin · 25/09/2017 09:35

If you are that bothered, don't go...

guilty100 · 25/09/2017 09:39

Agree with PPs - take a small present, and maybe think about whether there's something you can do to show care. Some of the loveliest, most memorable gifts I have had have been things people have made. A lovely cake that is decorated with something personal to them goes a long way because it shows enormous thought and effort.

Original poster

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 09:40

bellabasset, that idea of dinner is lovely. I know some people are saying no engagement gift but I cant turn up without anything on the night. I would feel awkward showing up emptyhanded...

Unfortunately my DH started a business a year ago that is running at a loss. Unlikely he will leave this business as it's one of the only things bringing him purpose since some severe problems with his mental health.

So every cent counts in our household, if I can still show people we care without spending lots then I will put effort into doing so.

thanks for the tips everyone, I didnt want ro tell anyone in RL all the details

OP posts:

Original poster

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 09:42

TakeAnadin, that's a bit harsh. I never said I don't care or that I don't want to go. Not a very helpful post.

OP posts:

ZenHeadbutt · 25/09/2017 10:25

A bottle of bubbly (doesn't need to be champagne). Sometimes we decorate the bottle with little sparkly 'diamonds' from the craft shop to make it personal and special ('bling' it up a bit!) - make it look like you've made a nice effort.

I was going to suggest almost the same thing. I'd get the kids to decorate it though. You can get pens that write on glass so you can write the date and everyone's names.

Dinner and towels sounds good though. It's annoying when they haven't ever given anything but I still find I want to give something even if the other people don't. 🤷🏻‍♀️

EssentialHummus · 25/09/2017 10:32

Card or bottle of bubbly, I reckon.

manglethedangle · 25/09/2017 10:34

I agree, card and prosecco is all that is needed. And then a card after the wedding saying congratulations and sorry you couldn't attend.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/09/2017 10:36

I wouldn't bother too much about a present but I think you should save so at least your dh can attend his sisters wedding.

gamerchick · 25/09/2017 10:40

Aldis doing huge bottles of prosecco for 13 quid if you really want to give something.

Personally I would just give a card, they set the bar for the gift thing.

woodhill · 25/09/2017 10:51

Or take flowers to party, just showing a bit of thoughtfulness and buy a wedding gift nearer the time.

Original poster

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 10:52

Bubbly sounds like the way to go :)

CorbynsBumFlannel the wedding is a longhaul flight away and would cost about $8000 (Aud) in flights alone for us 5. We simply cannot do that. Not to mention kids in school etc.

OP posts:

RhiannonOHara · 25/09/2017 10:53

I don't really get the people saying you 'should' take a gift.

It would be the height of rudeness if the couple, or any other guests, judged or commented if you didn't take one.

Original poster

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 10:54

And he wouldn't go alone. It would be a once in a lifetime trip and he wouldn't do it without his kids, maybe I can not go but there are still kids to pay for.

OP posts:

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/09/2017 11:13

I think if you can afford for just him to go he should. Obviously if you can't or it would mean sacrificing your own family holiday or money you need for other things then that that's different. But simply not wanting to go alone isn't a good reason to miss your siblings wedding imo.

senzaparole03 · 25/09/2017 12:34

$100 for an engagement present?? Are you mad??

I'm recently engaged, and we received very few presents - none were expected! One friend bought me an adorable engagement coffee mug i use each morning that i guess costs £5 and it makes me smile so much.

A few other friends got together and bought us some champagne flutes, a bottle of bubbly (both tesco) and one of those garden drinks holders. Fun, affordable and so welcome!

He has one pretty wealthy friend (his best, oldest friend) who bought us an overly generous gift voucher, but I think that is also in thanks for the support we have given them during his recently turbulent marriage, so that's an exception.

If you feel you must, then bring a token gift - a photo frame is very apt, and doesn't need to cost more than £10.

You ought to then give a gift for the wedding, but no such obligation for the engagement. If anyone has a problem with that, that's their own problem.

Original poster

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 12:48

Thank you Corbyns, I appreciate your insight. However it doesn't work for us financially or timewise for DH to even go alone.

senzaparole03 thanks for your input, I googled approximate cost for engagement gift and that's what I found out... Thanks for a bit of a different mindset. :) It makes me feel about better about not having something expensive to bring

OP posts:

littlemissneela · 25/09/2017 15:17

I would take a congratulations on your engagement card with a bottle of something fizzy to the byo party, and then as they love travelling, how about a travel journal for their wedding present along with a congrats on your wedding card? You might be able to find a nice one for not too much money, and write a message or find a poem to write in the front to do with travelling. If its one with a map, you might be able to put small stickers on the places you know they have already been to, and leave the packet in there so they can add as they go. Just because the average price people pay is $100 doesn't mean you have to spend that. To be an average means there are people who spend much less and much more.

Flip

1 2