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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepkids and vacations. Who IBU here?

35 replies

NotEnglish · 25/09/2017 08:13

So, a friend of mine has been in a relationship for some years with a man who has a 10 yo daughter. They have her EOW and one day per week.
Holidays are split between the parents, they have her 2 weeks in summer and one in fall. Easter holidays she spents with her maternal grandparents (they live in a different country). Christms holidays everybody stays at home so she can celebrate with everybody (Mother, father, fathers parents, mothers new partners parents).

Since her fathers work is really slow in January/February, my friend and him went to the canary islands for 3 weeks every year without her, then a holiday in a childfriendly place in summer and fall with his daughter.

They had a baby together last year, so didn't go. Now she wanted to book for next year, and he refuses, stating that it is utterly unfair to go on a holiday with the baby when his daughter can't come (she has school, obviously) and that he does not want her to feel left out.

I suppose I can see both sides, of course he does not want her to feel left out, but on the other hand she also goes on vacations with her mom and her partner, she stays at the grandparents place, etc. so she gets to do a load of stuff that her brother does not get to do.

Who is being unreasonable here?
What is "normal" for step-families?

OP posts:
Llareggub · 25/09/2017 08:18

My exH and his wife go away with their kids without mine. Not always, but sometimes. They aren't bothered at all; they come away with me and of course mine have school whereby their younger siblings don't.

My parents used to take just one of us on hols sometimes. I had a trip skiing with the school so they took my brother on hols and I stayed with grandparents. All cool.

Birdsgottafly · 25/09/2017 08:19

That's one of those situations were equal won't mean fair.

I think three weeks away would be too much. But a smaller holiday would be fine, whilst the second child is a baby.

It can be put to the oldest that it is a holiday for the grownups, still.

DanHumphreyIsA · 25/09/2017 08:22

If they've regularly been having one holiday with and one without her, then I think he IBU.
If they don't plan on having the second holiday, when they'd normally take her, then she IBU.

Zampa · 25/09/2017 08:24

The time we took DD to Spain without the DSCs we didn't advertise the fact to them as it felt wrong. I wouldn't do it again as it did feel like we were making the DSC miss out. Sure, they go on holiday with their Mum too but their Dad and I have decided not to do it again.

TBH we can't afford multiple holidays anyway so it's a not really the hardest choice in the world!

Blues123 · 25/09/2017 08:27

I have 2SDs (9,16) and one DD(1). When we go on big holidays we always take SDs. Smaller ones or ones to visit my family no. Would be unfair to go on a big holiday without them I think. Smaller things I would just go and not make a big deal out of (e.g. no plastering it over Facebook etc)

EllaHen · 25/09/2017 08:27

If your friend goes away for three weeks then her step daughter will miss her EOW and night in the week with her father and brother. Not very nice.

SonicBoomBoom · 25/09/2017 08:27

I think it's nice that the husband wants to have both his children there now it's a family holiday.

When I was younger, my parents would often go on holiday and leave us DC. Or they took all of us. They didn't ever only take some of us.

I agree with your friend's partner.

RedHelenB · 25/09/2017 08:28

If the dad feels it would be unfair then as he is birth parent to both then it probably is.

AlternativeTentacle · 25/09/2017 08:33

Now she wanted to book for next year, and he refuses, stating that it is utterly unfair to go on a holiday with the baby when his daughter can't come (she has school, obviously) and that he does not want her to feel left out.

That's fine, he can stay at home.

The daughter gets loads of holidays, does this mean that the baby as it grows up is restricted from going on any holidays unless the daughter is going, in which case the opportunities are going to be minimal. Which is unfair to the younger child.

Original poster
NotEnglish · 25/09/2017 08:35

Just to clarify:
They would of course still have the childcentered vacations in summer and fall, just like they did all the years.
Re the daughter missing her EOW and one night a week: Well, he was not bothered about that all the past years, when they went away for 3 weeks before they had the baby.

OP posts:
DressedCrab · 25/09/2017 08:36

If the SD has other holidays with her mum and family then it's daft for the DH to say no holidays without her. He's being very selfish. Why should the new DC miss out? At the moment he/she is too young to notice but your friend needs to put her foot down now or this will happen every year.

Travis1 · 25/09/2017 08:43

Does that mean every weekend, day out, meal trip will now only be done when the SD is there? If I was the woman I'd probably book it and go myself. He IBU.

Original poster
NotEnglish · 25/09/2017 08:43

@Tentale, that's what I thought as well.
So the daughter gets
2 weeks in Italy at her grandparents place over easter
2 weeks in summer with her father and his partner
2 weeks in summer with her mother and her partner
2 weks in summer again Italy
a few days or 1 week in fall with father
sometimes a few days or 1 week in fall with mother

An the son gets:
2 weeks in summer
and whatever vacations his mum takes im on alone

Yes, I know, kids don't NEED vacations, and loads of people (including me) can't afford multiple or even one vacation every year, but this family can and I do think it'll be a liitle unfair on the son once he's older

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 25/09/2017 08:44

He is being ridiculous.
His Dd has other holidays the baby won't be going on so whats the difference? Does he expect the eldest to go on holiday several times a year but youngest only once? It's never bothered him before when it suited him.

Hope this isn't a sign of things to come.

CherriesInTheSnow · 25/09/2017 08:45

He is BU and this will be detrimental to their relationship.

As a compromise could you suggest to her they take around 2 weeks? 3 weeks with a young baby will be a lot anyway and then he only has to miss the weekday, and can be back between weekends?

AtHomeDadGlos · 25/09/2017 08:49

Do we take it that you're the 'friend'?

Why doesn't 'she' take the baby on their own holiday and leave the father home alone?

That way each child gets to holiday with their mother.

JungleExplorer · 25/09/2017 08:53

I think your friend should lay it out like you have just done with the huge amount of holidays his daughter has.

And then compare it to what the new baby will get.

Original poster
NotEnglish · 25/09/2017 08:55

@at Home, no, I'm not the friend.

Why should I pretend to be someone else?
She's my good friend, she phoned me yesterday evening being quite upset and I've been thinking about it since then. And as I'm sick in bed with a tummy bug I have time to ask here on AIBU because I really don't know a lot of step-families and neither does she.

Of course she could go on holiday without her partner, but she would prefer to spend time with him (he works a lot the rest of the year) and she would also like to enjoy the odd lie-in or child-free hour which she could not have with him not beeing there.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 25/09/2017 09:02

I do think he is being stubborn. I think it's really beneficial to have some holidays without the step kids, as it helps the bond with that family and gives breathing space. Otherwise it's the mistaken insistence that a step family must do all things together and magically be happy which I think is stressful, and often just doesn't work.

But it's a balance, there should also be regular holidays with the step kids too. Imho

We are complex social creatures. However if he is set on this, there'll be no shifting him! Pity, as second families have a lot more stress and vulnerability than first, with extra relationships to navigate, which is why they fail more often than first. Mine did from exactly this kind of attitude, and step kids then lose out too.

CherriesInTheSnow · 25/09/2017 09:03

I agree that it's not fair to have to take baby on her own.

Surely a big part of holidays is bonding together.

AJPTaylor · 25/09/2017 09:06

i suspect that when he is short of work to occupy him in February and bored and at home with wife and small baby he will suddenly realise that going on holiday is absolutely fine and can be totally justified.

She needs to play the long game. this year if there is no holiday she needs to make sure that he is doing his share of drudge. im sure it will work itself out!

RB68 · 25/09/2017 09:10

He is being a bit daft - like a baby is going to even really realise he is in a different place!! If he is going to go down this route a) he is going to have a spoilt daughter and b) its going to frustrate you as you can do nothing at all without daughter no trips to kids adventure places, nothing at all without both kids - and what about the 10 yrs son has missed out on already!!

Ridiculous false reasoning

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/09/2017 09:12

As his dd has loads of holidays, he is being precious. It is easy to explain this one to a 10 yo in a sensitive and caring way.

elevenclips · 25/09/2017 09:17

He's being stupid. What exactly does he think a baby gains from a holiday. Precisely nothing. It isn't a treat for the baby.

Bizzysocks · 25/09/2017 09:25

There is a week school holiday in February.

If flights are affordable, suggest the 2 adults and baby go for 2 weeks then dad flys home and collects 10 year old to join them for the last week.