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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL RANT!!!

46 replies

teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 10:11

So my DD had an important appointment and a week earlier I asked MIL to babysit for about 3hrs she said yes. Normally he would go to my mum but she was going to a funeral on the day.
Anyway DH and her have a very odd relationship she doesn't like doing anything for him. However her other son she will jump at the chance to help him with anything e.g. Babysitting( he has a baby the same age as my son!) and even giving him money if he needs it however if my husband asks for anything she says sorry I can't help you. My husband is the younger one of the two and also when shit is going down he is the one that speaks to her for hours consoling her and making her feel better where as the other son doesn't even call!!! Anyway the day b4 the appointment she called me and said can u take him to ur mum as I'm tired I said sorry I can't as she's going to a funeral but if your tired it's fine I will just have to find a way to take him with me she said ok! THEN AS IM DRIVING I SAW HER OUT WITH Brother in law son!!! So she basically she couldn't have my son so she could baby sit the other sons boy! I'm really fuming my husband spoke to his dad and he said she don't want him bc she said his nappy make her feel sick! This made me even more angry as both boys are in nappies and that is just a stupid excuse isn't it!
I really don't know what to do! I want to cut her out of my life!
AIBU????

OP posts:
HeartStrings · 23/08/2017 10:16

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!! It's sneaky and out of order.
Is there a back story as to why the relationship with your DH and his DM is a bit sticky as opposed to his brother?
Personally I can't stand favouritism as I had it growing up with my Nan and my cousin (she treated my cousin more special than I).
Is there now way of making your MIL see that the way she's acting towards her DGC isn't on?

GreenTulips · 23/08/2017 10:20

yep she's playing favourites

Misstomrs · 23/08/2017 10:21

That's outrageous! Sadly I think people often unintentionally have favourites but that is hardly unintentional!!! I think your DH needs to talk to his parents calmly and openly about the situation. Both my DH and my friends DH have had to do this. It's not pleasant but you can't let it fester.

Original poster
teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 10:24

From as far as I can tell the only backstory is she never wanted a second child she wanted to just have the one but her husband convinced her to have the second!

Any time DH brings up her favouritism
she tells him this is not the case and argues (same thing when he says it about him and his brother) him and his brother get on really well and even the brother sees her favouritism but no body is allowed to say anything as she gets angry!

OP posts:
pinkiepie1 · 23/08/2017 10:27

Are you my sister?? Lol If not I swear she could have wrote this post.

She has the same problem with her mil. Mil will always take my bil brothers daughter out yet never once offer to have my niece.

Which is a shame because my niece is lovely and cheeky and fun to be with. And my niece will realize when she's older and it will be mil fault when she wants nothing to do with her.

Is there any reason why she's like this with you dh? A fall out? Anything?

I find it hard to understand any grandparent who treat their grand kids differently - after all they're all part of them.

Is isn't on though. What did your dh say when you told him?

And yeah I agree what a stupid excuse!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 23/08/2017 10:33

Ah that's just so sad for your DH and your children. Sad

It's totally not on. But I don't know what you can do about it. If your bil sees it too - maybe try and just stick together with them?

I'd ask for nothing from her. And slowly withdraw. She doesn't want to enjoy your beautiful children - her loss.

Makes me so sad though. My parents go to great lengths to ensure every grandchild is loved and cared for - my dad gives them all his loose change when he has a bag full. The eldest grandchild helps him count out all the coins into equal piles for all the grandkids. There're no favourites. And id be bitterly upset if there were.

Sorry op. Rant away Flowers

highinthesky · 23/08/2017 10:34

Accept it for what it is. Your MIL lacks any good feelings towards your family, and has no decency.

Time for her to do the running in the future. Perhaps the prodigal son will come good in her dotage.

Original poster
teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 10:35

Nothing has happened and what I don't understand is if she was to have a favourite (even tho I disagree) surely with everything he does for her it should be him!!!! If we drive past her house he has to go in a check on her! If we're having a takeaway he invites her over! If I'm making her fav dish he invites her! It's really upsetting for him as I see how out of his way he goes to make sure he makes her happy! She HATES my SIL and doesn't even want to look after their child but only does it to make his life easier

Poor DH knew she would back out and he warned me a few days earlier and said she's gonna try get out of it but I thought no it's not for more then a few hours and she already agreed

OP posts:
diddl · 23/08/2017 10:40

"surely with everything he does for her it should be him!!!!"

No!

If you don't like someone then you don't like rhem.

Your husband really needs help to step right back & stop trying to "buy" her affection.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/08/2017 10:41

What she did was awful, but my advice is to your DH. Nothing he does will change your mother's view of him or cause her to give him the love and equal regard he seems to crave. I think this is what he is doing and what he has done ever since he was a very young boy. Your focus should be on both of you moving away (at least emotionally) and physically if possible. Things won't change and as it stands as she ages she will use the 'hook' of her lack of love to make him do more and more for her - it will never be reciprocated with what he craves and in the long run he'll just end up keeping being hurt.

GreenTulips · 23/08/2017 10:41

Your DH n few to stop running round after her - he's her constant and she doesn't have to try with him - if he stops chasing she'll stop running

Back away and see what happens for a few weeks

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/08/2017 10:43

Sorry - I didn't make it clear that I think that playing favourites is awful behaviour and don't think your DH is silly, wrong or irrational.

Macncheesewithbacon · 23/08/2017 10:45

My DM did this to me a few times, and she's also promised to do things with my DC then let them down and hurt their feelings. I didn't ask her for help after 2nd time and now (10 years on) if she does suggest something to the kids "I'll take you to the cinema" etc - I remind them that she is unreliable and they shouldn't get their hopes up. Sad but better for us than the disappointment.

AvoidingCallenetics · 23/08/2017 10:45

This is so sad.
I think the only way forward is to not keep chasing her affection. Concentrate on your own little family and stop trying to include her. Your poor dh Sad
Personally, I wouldn't have her in my house again after this.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 23/08/2017 10:47

God, that''s awful. Bet you must have felt so hurt. I'm with the others saying that you should back away emotionally for a bit for both of your sakes.

Your DH n few to stop running round after her - he's her constant and she doesn't have to try with him - if he stops chasing she'll stop running
This.

MissionItsPossible · 23/08/2017 10:49

Cut her out of your life. Don't ask for any favours from her and certainly don't do any favours for her.

abbsisspartacus · 23/08/2017 10:50

My ex mil kept dog treats for her eldest son's dog but no toys for her grandchild her neighbour was appalled and gave her toys mil seemed almost proud of it 🤔

Original poster
teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 10:52

Thanks all..... I have totally disconnected myself and my kids from her DH occasionally calls her to see if she's ok but I can't stop that.... I just feel bad for DD her bond with her is so strong she's always asking to go to her and have a sleep over any advice with what to do about that?... I personally don't want her going there but I don't want her to feel like I'm stopping her she's 4btw

OP posts:
Mama234 · 23/08/2017 10:55

I would bother with her anymore she sounds nasty.

Mama234 · 23/08/2017 11:04

Wouldn't**

Livingdiisgracefully · 23/08/2017 11:05

I agree completely with Spartacus.

I'm not sure if I'd want to encourage a relationship between your daughter and MIL. It might upset your DD now a bit not to see her but it will really affect her self esteem later once she realises she's second best, and she will realise, going forward.

I certainly wouldn't be having this woman round for takeaways. I can't bear favouritism, it's so corrosive. You say your BIL feels uncomfortable about it but it doesn't seem to affect his actions, as he seems to get MIL to look after his child, when he knows your DD is not treated equally.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 23/08/2017 11:06

Re letting your DD still see her. How will it look to your DS when he is old enough to realise that his DSis is the favourite? The cycle will start all over again, but with them rather than your DH and DBIL. I would personally go cold turkey.

hatsoncats · 23/08/2017 11:07

Explain in a way a 4 year old can understand - that MIL told a fib, and your feelings are hurt.

I would urge you to be careful about MIL only seeing your DD though. She could very well drive a wedge between your DD & DS, by appearing to love one more than the other. Perhaps leave your DS feeling unloved, not quite good enough...

Pretty much like she has with her own children, yes?

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 23/08/2017 11:09

I just feel bad for DD her bond with her is so strong she's always asking to go to her and have a sleep over any advice with what to do about that?..

Have I got this right that you've got a dd and a ds? So she's not bothering to see your son, but wants to see your daughter?
If so, that's playing favourites and they're going to grow up seeing that granny favours one over the other and that's going to hurt.
If it was me dd wouldn't be staying over if ds wasn't welcome for a few hours babysitting "because his nappy smells." Confused Hmm (the confused and oookay then faces aimed at your MIL, not you.)

ohfourfoxache · 23/08/2017 11:09

Unfortunately you can't change people. But you can change your reaction.

I know you've disengaged but I think you need to completely ignore her. Encourage dh to do the same. If she's going to be a bitch then at least you don't have to witness it.