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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL RANT!!!

46 replies

teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 10:11

So my DD had an important appointment and a week earlier I asked MIL to babysit for about 3hrs she said yes. Normally he would go to my mum but she was going to a funeral on the day.
Anyway DH and her have a very odd relationship she doesn't like doing anything for him. However her other son she will jump at the chance to help him with anything e.g. Babysitting( he has a baby the same age as my son!) and even giving him money if he needs it however if my husband asks for anything she says sorry I can't help you. My husband is the younger one of the two and also when shit is going down he is the one that speaks to her for hours consoling her and making her feel better where as the other son doesn't even call!!! Anyway the day b4 the appointment she called me and said can u take him to ur mum as I'm tired I said sorry I can't as she's going to a funeral but if your tired it's fine I will just have to find a way to take him with me she said ok! THEN AS IM DRIVING I SAW HER OUT WITH Brother in law son!!! So she basically she couldn't have my son so she could baby sit the other sons boy! I'm really fuming my husband spoke to his dad and he said she don't want him bc she said his nappy make her feel sick! This made me even more angry as both boys are in nappies and that is just a stupid excuse isn't it!
I really don't know what to do! I want to cut her out of my life!
AIBU????

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 23/08/2017 11:11

Nothing has happened and what I don't understand is if she was to have a favourite (even tho I disagree) surely with everything he does for her it should be him!!!!

You are looking at this the wrong way round Im afraid - nothing - literally nothing - your DH will or would ever do would be good enough for her. With these type of people there has to come a point where you stop trying for your own mental health.

From as far as I can tell the only backstory is she never wanted a second child she wanted to just have the one but her husband convinced her to have the second! This is very telling. Your poor DH.
Dont feel sorry for your DD, eventually her favoritism would effect her to.

Original poster

teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 11:14

4691IrradiatedHaggis thanks I didn't think of it like that.... it's true she's making her favourites known from a early age.
What a B!!!!
Your all right!!!! I'm done my kids are done!

OP posts:

AvoidingCallenetics · 23/08/2017 11:15

I wouldn't let my children see her. They are not really going to miss her at this stage. Just because someone is related, it doesn't mean they are a force for good in their lives. We have to protect our dc from people who don't value them properly and not allow them to see their parents bring treated unkindly by those who are supposed to love them. Your children don't need to be exposed to people like your mil.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2017 11:16

She sounds dreadful but I think for all your sakes you're better off, with your DH's agreement, minimising contact.
Your DD might think she's fab now, but as she gets older, she's going to understand more that she's lower down the pecking order than her uncle and his family, so it's better to reduce it all now so she has a chance to forget.

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 11:23

Your DH should have spoke to her, not his Dad.

Have it all out in the open, then take it from there.

Covering it up doesn't do any good and won't make it better or worse.

MsHarry · 23/08/2017 11:24

YANBU. Move far away, she won't change!

MsHarry · 23/08/2017 11:29

Is DH's brother quite needy? My mil is always helping out BIL/SIL, we find out she has had their kids in the summer hols (she offers)and we have no such offers. at family gatherings she goes over there early to help, brings dishes etc, we get nothing.Whenever she asks us all over, she has always asked them first etc. Little things that grate after a while.DH thinks it's because we're quite organised and she senses we don't need it.

JT05 · 23/08/2017 11:30

My MIL was the same and actually told me that my DCs were not her priority over the other DGC. Realising she'd overstepped the mark, she went NC with us for two years ( bliss). She missed some wonderful years with her GCs.

She then decided to include them again as if nothing had happened! For our DCs sake we went along with it ( cautiously). Some people are very unpleasant!
Rise above, and enjoy your life.

Rafflesway · 23/08/2017 11:31

Was just about to say exactly what Thumbwitches has.

DH can certainly keep contact - if he chooses to do so - but that would be it for me and my DC I'm afraid. I wouldn't allow ANYONE to treat my DC as second best!

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 23/08/2017 11:33

withdrawing from her may make her appreciate what your dh does for her. I would not allow her to show her obvious favouritsm for one of my children that will cause problems between them

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 23/08/2017 11:37

If it was a one off I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. If she has form for favourite playing, I wouldn't be putting up with it any longer.
If she has, then they'll be old enough to realise what she's doing before long and that''s going to damage.
Whichever it is, emotionally detaching for all your sakes sounds the best!

Original poster

teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 11:38

Birdsgottafly DH has spoken to her in the Past as this isn't the first time just the most biggest one yet. He also has spoken to her about her favouritism his whole life and not got anywhere she just gets VERY defensive and says I treat u both the same blaa blaaa blaaa.
BIL and SIL are not needy but he just knows whatever he asks for she will do without even thinking twice (who wouldn't take advantage of that!)

OP posts:

MumW · 23/08/2017 11:45

In your situation, I think I would be talking to my DH about not being so available. If she can't support his family, then why should he support her.

Whether your DH is ready to accept that no matter how much he gives her, she isn't going to change and cut her loose, is another issue. Maybe the favouritism shown to your daughter & his nephew will be enough for him to realise that he needs to concentrate his efforts on his family. Leave BIL to deal with MIL's issues.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/08/2017 12:02

Fully agree with PPs who say she's already showing that she's up to her old tricks, showing favouritism between your DCs as well as between your DCs and and BiL's children. Don't allow them to become victims of her games.

I'd also look at your DH's behaviour towards her. Of course he might just be an absolutely lovely man who never sees the bad in anyone, but I wonder if he's just following a pattern he developed long ago, when he was a child and first realised the favouritism his mother was showing to his brother. He may well have decided then that if he was always helpful and always tried to please her, then she'd start to treat him the same way. So this is a habit he got into and now just does it automatically. It's a self taught learned behaviour that's so ingrained he's forgotten why he does it.

Suggesting counselling might be a bit OTT on a thread that started about babysitting, but maybe giving him some time and opportunity to reflect and regroup may be helpful, although it will be painful for him to face for a while. But with support from you, and his DCs around him, he may be able to come to terms with his relationship with his mother, and set up a new, healthier family dynamic.

GoBold · 23/08/2017 12:04

I'm so sorry OP .

We've got a similar dynamic with our inlaws but we are now completely disengaged. It took me a long time to accept this and I kept trying. DH warned me when we met but even he has been shocked and hurt that they chose to play it out with the GC too.

DH spoke to them on several occasions about it but got the same response you did. Interestingly, he is always the one they turn to with an issue they want help with.

This most recent thing your MIL has done is so blatant it is a gift in some ways - she has really shown you who she is now with no reasonable room for doubt.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/08/2017 12:12

How does your DH know he was unwanted? I'm not questioning this. I'm just curious why the bitch she told him and what she told him?

HeartStrings · 23/08/2017 12:24

I'm sorry but she sounds like such a nasty woman!! Your poor DH!
I'd never treat any of my DC differently and when I become a DG one day I'd treat all my DGC the same too

WobblyChair · 23/08/2017 12:42

Fuck that. I'd have nothing else to do with her. What a horrible woman.

Nomoreboomandbust · 23/08/2017 13:22

So sorry op

What a bitch she sounds and a dreadful mother and grandmother.

Cut her completely and just have your own little normal non toxic unit. Your poor dh can't imagine his childhood.

Some people just shouldn't be parents

Original poster

teaortequila23 · 23/08/2017 13:53

Hey all thanks for all this!!!
To the curious ones haha
He knows he is was an unwanted child bc she is very honest about it and even told me when we said we were thinking about having a second she said oh I didn't want a second but x talked me into it 😱 I know!!!!
But she then went on to saying
I didn't know I even had x(DH) he was such a quiet baby that always laid there and did his own thing (this makes me abit sad)
She then told me as a child I also didn't know you had him as he was very independent compared to BIL

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/08/2017 15:22

He knows he is was an unwanted child bc she is very honest about it and even told me when we said we were thinking about having a second she said oh I didn't want a second but x talked me into it 😱 I know!!!!

Your poor DH. That's a lot of baggage he's carrying. :(

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