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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bonkers.

52 replies

Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 14:32

Name changed.

I split up with exh twelve years ago and have two dc. In the last ten years exh has not visited the children, paid any money for them, send Christmas cards or birthday cards or presents. No phone calls and the very odd email. I have tried and tried including giving him a way to call free.

To be quite honest it wasn't a good marriage and one of the dc made a disclosure about him while they were in primary school which was documented but not taken further as I had left. We have had some issues.

I wasn't allowed guardianship as he did not dispute them living with me so the court said they didn't need to interfere.

I don't know where he lives and he's changed his phone number. I do have social media and an email.

I have been invited to a wedding in October and now have to get permission from exh who has done nothing for the last twelve years to take and pay for my own children to go on holiday with me.

I know there has to be laws in place for some situations but I believe in America if you can prove you have tried to establish contact and been rejected there are rules.

Aibu to think it is unfair that I have to stir the hornets next and risk hassle to get permission from someone the kids don't even remember?

OP posts:
ClopySow · 19/08/2017 14:34

Yes, it's bonkers.

DesignedForLife · 19/08/2017 14:35

YANBU. That's rubbish. But I know nothing about such things and can't make any suggestions, hopefully someone else can!

FitbitAddict · 19/08/2017 14:35

Why do you need his permission? I travel with my DC and don't share their surname and am not married to their father.

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 14:45

Fitbit
It's the law where the other parent has PR or you could technically be done for child abduction.

Usually you aren't stopped but you could be and I have been before.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 19/08/2017 15:01

My son has my exH's name and we regularly travel to the US and have ever been asked once for a "letter" from the exH to show consent. I said I didn't have one as I had never been asked for one before.

I did also say if you just want a letter how do you know he wrote anyway it could be a just a letter written by me/a friend/my new DH and signed in his name (just saying Wink)

burntoutmum · 19/08/2017 15:11

Sweet, how long are you going for?

Unless the law has changed, you are allowed to take the children away for a month without permission

burntoutmum · 19/08/2017 15:14

Ah sorry, that's only relevant if you have an order stating they live with you

To think this is bonkers.
Peachyking000 · 19/08/2017 15:16

Do you share the same surname as your DC? If so, it's less likely (but not impossible) for you to be stopped. I have travelled to umpteen countries with my DS (same surname) and only been asked once where his father was - this was in Iceland. They didn't ask for anything in writing, and accepted my word for it that his father was deceased, which was true.

Unfortunately a letter from your ex, would probably need to be notarised, so you can't just fake one.

Tinkerbec · 19/08/2017 15:17

I spoke to a solicitor last month regarding my ex taking dd to Mexico. She said it wasn't needed.

We have both travelled all over Europe and USA and have never been asked.

cardibach · 19/08/2017 15:24

I've travelled to Europe, Africa, America and Asia with DD over the last 15 years or so and never been asked.

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:25

Does he have PR Tinker or do you have a residency order? Otherwise that's not correct.

Different surname but have birth cert and divorce cert so that's not an issue.

Allthebestnamesareused. Exactly I've been told by solicitors there's no legal requirement to have a letter or it be noterized but they recommend a letter so it makes a mockery of it really.

OP posts:
Peachyking000 · 19/08/2017 15:26

Unfortunately other people's anecdotes won't help you if you are asked though. I agree it is v unfair though.

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:26

I've been previously stopped entering the country I'm entering.

I contacted the embassy explaining we don't have contact but there's no court order and they said that as long as I had custody and could prove it then there isn't a problem. But I can't prove it!

OP posts:
Tinkerbec · 19/08/2017 15:27

He is named on the birth certificate. So has PR.

We all have the same surname not sure as you say if that makes much difference.

Tinkerbec · 19/08/2017 15:29

Which country was this sweets?

Tinkerbec · 19/08/2017 15:30

Also what happened after they stopped you?

Did they send you on a flight back? 😬😬😬

caffeinestream · 19/08/2017 15:31

It's one of those situations where technically, yes, you DO need his permission, but the likelihood of you being stopped and questioned is minimal especially if your kids are teens and capable of speaking up for themselves.

I would risk it, personally, unless he's the type to go to court and cause a stink just to hurt you.

Spottytop1 · 19/08/2017 15:33

We travel regularly with both my daughter and my partners daughter - I've never had any issues and we don't have letters from ex partners allowing travel...

What country are you in?

BeccaAnn · 19/08/2017 15:35

get advice from a solicitor and see if you can get formal residency as it is now affecting your life decisions. Most family specialists (in the UK at least) will let you have an hour or so for free.

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:37

Actually come to think of it I've been stopped twice

Once was Majorca where they stopped and asked where Dad was. I said he was at home and they questioned us but let us enter.

The second time was leaving Lemnos. They stopped us leaving and carried out checks but let us leave.

Ironically both children are above the age that the airline would let them fly unaccompanied which makes it more of a mockery really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:38

I'm in UK.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:39

Tinker I think the fact you have the same surname makes it less likely you will be stopped tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:41

Last time we went to Spain they just waved us past with a basic glance but I'm worried about the new Schengen checks that have come in making it more likely I will be questioned.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 19/08/2017 15:42

How will he ever know?

MimsyFluff · 19/08/2017 15:42

I've been asked once on the way back into the UK. So I'd stolen a child with a British passport, changed my mind and took her home Confused I found it strange and played stupid "oh I don't have her birth certificate" he said "bring it with you next time" I said "I hadn't even thought of it" pretty sure DH would never be asked.

Can you pretend his deceased or fake a letter? I also think it's insane that an absent parents can have rights and parents that don't pay a penny for their DC upkeep they survive on fresh air!

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