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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bonkers.

52 replies

Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 14:32

Name changed.

I split up with exh twelve years ago and have two dc. In the last ten years exh has not visited the children, paid any money for them, send Christmas cards or birthday cards or presents. No phone calls and the very odd email. I have tried and tried including giving him a way to call free.

To be quite honest it wasn't a good marriage and one of the dc made a disclosure about him while they were in primary school which was documented but not taken further as I had left. We have had some issues.

I wasn't allowed guardianship as he did not dispute them living with me so the court said they didn't need to interfere.

I don't know where he lives and he's changed his phone number. I do have social media and an email.

I have been invited to a wedding in October and now have to get permission from exh who has done nothing for the last twelve years to take and pay for my own children to go on holiday with me.

I know there has to be laws in place for some situations but I believe in America if you can prove you have tried to establish contact and been rejected there are rules.

Aibu to think it is unfair that I have to stir the hornets next and risk hassle to get permission from someone the kids don't even remember?

OP posts:
Tinkerbec · 19/08/2017 15:42

Yes possibly.

You could do what Becca said and see a solicitor. That's what I did. It does make you feel better.

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 19/08/2017 15:44

All you need is a court order stating you have residency. The court will want to know what steps you've taken to contact him and it's very likely you'll be granted the order in his absence. You won't even need a solicitor.

Tumilnaughts · 19/08/2017 15:51

I not only don't share my dd's surname on passports but we don't even have the same nationality. We flew back from the USA a few months ago just the 2 of us with no questions asked.

Hoppinggreen · 19/08/2017 15:54

If you all have the same surname why would they even ask about your husband?
I have travelled alone with the dc when DH was working etc and never been asked about him
Also, even if you took a letter his would they know it was genuinely from him ( or not )

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:54

Thanks Norma will try again.
The children are both teens but under 16 so I was not sure whether the court would bother getting involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 15:55

Hopping not the same surname.

OP posts:
Janeismymiddlename · 19/08/2017 16:02

You can take their birth certificates which proves they are your children. I do that cos I have only ever been known my my maiden name. I do have a residence order, however. I think you could,probably get a Specific Issues Order without too much trouble to cover yourself. Is is an E U country or signed up to The Hague Convention?

katronfon · 19/08/2017 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clippityclock · 19/08/2017 16:07

I'm pretty sure you can apply to the courts here to get a form stating that you can leave the country to go on holiday with your children.

I had a really terrible time getting into Canada despite me taking a residence order, birth certificates, letter from work and my mortgage statement. I had to show my return tickets and my travel itinerary including texts and emails from my friend that we were visiting.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 16:10

It's not just if you have a different surname though. Legally if your child's father has PR you need permission legally same name or not.

Although I suspect that if the surname is the same you are less likely to be stopped.

I've had legal advice and they said you need permission but there's no legal say of what form or permission is needed. They recommend a letter but technically email would do.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 19/08/2017 16:17

Again if an email is sufficient who is to say you don't open a hotmail account in the name of MrS(Sweetshop)@hotmail.com and send yourself an email!

It is bananas!

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 16:20

Exactly!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 16:22

No law on the form consent is given

To think this is bonkers.
OP posts:
katronfon · 19/08/2017 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2017 16:30

I think it's wrong that you should have to seek permission. I'd probably take the risk of travelling if I had the same surname but not if I hadn't. Far less likely you'll be stopped if you all have the same name. I agree with getting advice from a solicitor as you don't really want even the possibility of hassle.

katronfon · 19/08/2017 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrscaindingle · 19/08/2017 16:39

I don't have the same surname as my DC, I've just recently been to states with 2 teenage DC and we were asked about it on the way back but they just spoke to the DC and asked them who I was. I wouldn't worry about it tbh if your DC are that age it's much more of an issue with small children being taken out of the country, and I am usually a worrier about this kind of stuff.

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 16:51

Thanks
I will ask on legal.
I do have passports for them. I have had no problems with that though ironically. Just gave ex name and no other details because I don't have them and it was never queried they just sent the passport.

OP posts:
katronfon · 19/08/2017 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingergenius · 19/08/2017 17:12

Is I didn't even know this was a thing - I've travelled with my dc and never been asked. Amicable divorce and no oroblems so not sure whether I should get a letter now!

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 17:18

Katronfon really? Where you with their Dad when they got their first passport? I've just renewed both kids passports without issue but I was also a single parent when we got their first ones.

OP posts:
MummytoCSJH · 19/08/2017 17:22

A few years after my father passed away, my mother took my younger sister and I to Paris. Although my mother and father were married, she kept her maiden name and we had her father's name. She was questioned about why she hadn't brought a letter of consent, and if he was really dead then why didn't she bring his death certificate? You're right, border control. When you're taking your children to Disneyland the main thing to remember is your children's dead father's death certificate Confused It was a while before someone clicked that they were being unreasonable.

MummytoCSJH · 19/08/2017 17:22

A few years after my father passed away, my mother took my younger sister and I to Paris. Although my mother and father were married, she kept her maiden name and we had her father's name. She was questioned about why she hadn't brought a letter of consent, and if he was really dead then why didn't she bring his death certificate? You're right, border control. When you're taking your children to Disneyland the main thing to remember is your children's dead father's death certificate Confused It was a while before someone clicked that they were being unreasonable.

Minkyfluffster · 19/08/2017 17:25

I am confused. For all you know your ex could be dead!

Original poster
Sweetshopofdoom · 19/08/2017 17:34

Minky as above you are meant to take the death certificate. Although how I would get hold of that If we weren't together I am not sure.

OP posts:
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