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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and her bf

30 replies

10greenapples · 18/08/2017 23:49

My friend is in a relatively new relationship (6 months) and everytime I message her when she is with her new bf she literally never responds! And she never messages me at all first either. But as soon as she isn't with him she will message me "sorry was with bf" aibu in thinking this is weird?! Imagine they moved in together would I never hear from her at all?

OP posts:

LadyDeLaFuente · 19/08/2017 00:15

I understand that you feel a little annoyed, however, at that stage of a relationship it's pretty normal to be totally engrossed in your new love. Even more so if they are still going on dates - it's not really polite to reply to messages while you're out for dinner/drinks/museum with your date.

Tbh, a day can happily go by without me replying to someone, which you may consider rude, but if I'm enjoying "me time" I don't fancy getting into text conversations and shouldn't feel obliged to.

I wouldn't worry, OP, it's because it's all new. When they live together she'll probably never be off that phone whinging about her OH!

Notknownatthisaddress · 19/08/2017 00:17

What @lady said ^

It is annoying though, and YANBU!

ILoveMillhousesDad · 19/08/2017 00:18

Ah, give her a break. They are on their honeymoon period and she is probably very proud of her relationship.

It will die down.

LadyDeLaFuente · 19/08/2017 00:18

Ah, I forgot to mention they're probably shagging each other's socks off so no time for texting!

Original poster

10greenapples · 19/08/2017 00:19

This won't just be for hours it's like the whole day lol so say if he comes round at 8. I won't here from her again till around 3 the next day. Just think is weird that she literally doesn't have any time in that time to respond yet is messaging me frequently when not with him.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2017 00:22

Perhaps they're polite enough to put their phones away and enjoy each other's company?

If it's anything important, I'm sure you would have rang to speak to her?

Original poster

10greenapples · 19/08/2017 00:42

Not saying it's important but just think it's weird. So people in relationships don't talk to there friends unless there not with their partner? I'm sure he talks to his friends if they message him. Sometimes she reads them and just doesn't reply which is weirder IMO

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 19/08/2017 00:47

You sound really needy and a bit jealous.

If they don't live together, they're clearly going to pay attention to one another when they're together instead of sitting there messaging their mates, aren't they? I wouldn't expect her to be on her phone messaging you when she's on a date or spending an evening with her boyfriend, any more than I'd expect her to be on the phone messaging while she's round her mum's for lunch or having a coffee with a mate.

Your expectation is unreasonable. What sort of things do you regularly need to say to her that need an immediate response, anyway? Can't you wait a few hours?!

Original poster

10greenapples · 19/08/2017 00:51

It's not a few hours it's over 12 :-/

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2017 00:56

I'm sure he talks to his friends if they message him.

Can you say why you're sure?

Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but when I'm purposely spending time with anyone for a night/weekend, I really don't bother with my phone and unimportant chit chat, as I would find it quite rude.

SilverySurfer · 19/08/2017 01:03

I'm not seeing the problem. I last looked at my mobile about a week ago so don't understand this desire to expect instant responses to messages.

Your friend was otherwise occupied so why should she not delay responding until it was convenient for her?

haveacupoftea · 19/08/2017 01:06

You sound clingy. This is where friendships often end, one person gets into a relationship, the other doesn't understand boundaries, gets annoyed at not being #1 at all times and stops speaking to their friend and goes round telling everyone they were ditched in favour of the boyfriend. Highly annoying if you're the person wanting to enjoy the honeymoon period and have someone huffing with you because you didn't text back within a prescribed time frame.

Original poster

10greenapples · 19/08/2017 01:10

Hmm maybe it's just me then but I think it's bizarre to ignore your friends because your now in a relationship. She will be running back to me when things end.

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 19/08/2017 01:12

She's not ignoring you, she's just waiting till he's gone before she responds.

thebigbluedustbin · 19/08/2017 01:17

You would be doing yourself a favour to step back a little and give your friend some space to enjoy her relationship. Friendships shouldn't be this... intense? Not sure if that's the right word, but it's a little unhealthy to be this concerned about messaging.

smurfit · 19/08/2017 01:28

If I'm hanging out with someone I generally ignore my phone and reply when I'm free again. I consider myself to be busy and while I might have a quick read, I won't reply unless I decide it's urgent.

HiJenny35 · 19/08/2017 01:37

'She will be running back to me when things end.' Well isn't that nice of you. You sound jealous. She's happy and loved up maybe you could just be happy for her. What's so important that need a response while she is spending time with her boyfriend?

FloweryTeapot · 19/08/2017 01:38

Sometimes she reads them and just doesn't reply which is weirder IMO

Sometimes when I'm busy I read a text just to see if it's anything important. If it's not anything that 'needs' an immediate reply I'll wait until a convenient time for me to reply (i.e. when I'm not working, or in company, or eating dinner with family, or any of a zillion other things that require attention) If it's a really pointless text, (e.g. 'I just saw a really cute dog' or 'just spilt tea all down my front lol' I have been known to forget about it and not respond at all.

I don't think it's that unusual since she's in a fairly new relationship. It doesn't mean she's gone off you. It just means her head is in another place currently. You'll probably do it yourself sooner or later. YAB a bit U, but I can understand why you feel a bit miffed.

User02 · 19/08/2017 01:53

Is there not space to have more than one person in your life at any given time. Many devote so much time to a new bf and friends give up on them. Then the break up happens and the devoted gf is alone.

Original poster

10greenapples · 19/08/2017 01:58

Well funny how when I was with my ex and I ignored a message from her she blew up about it and had a go at me! One time I done it. Now she has a bf she does it constantly. She even went around telling people about it yet now she's doing it. I wouldn't be annoyed if it was once but it's all the time.

OP posts:

Rainraingoawayagain · 19/08/2017 02:04

If she was ignoring you she wouldn't respond at all right ?
Grow up

OnTheRise · 19/08/2017 07:45

I check my phone two or three times a day and don't always carry it with me.

If I'm with friends I would not interrupt our meeting to read texts or reply to them.

It's not a big deal.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/08/2017 08:20

If the whole thing is annoying you you can choose to do what suits you. So when she messages you you can leave it ages to reply. Find other friends. Be busy in your own life. Its totally up to you how you choose to deal with it but you cant make her change.
But as posters already said its often what happens in the begining of a relationship.

Whocansay · 19/08/2017 08:39

People don't have to respond immediately you know. You sound incredibly needy. And hard work.

mangomama91 · 19/08/2017 09:02

Yes think you're being a bit U here!
Sound quite young and jealous. She's enjoying her time with her boyfriend leave her be.
If I'm having a proper evening with husband (not just chilling watching tv ) then I won't go on my phone and he won't go on his.

Sorry I think you're being a bit too needy here, you may have been messaging all the time before and now feel a bit lost she's got a bf but I guess you're just gonna have to get over it :/

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