To think I'm not cut out for 2 children

[Pipsqueaked]

My youngest is almost 8 months, my eldest is 4 and all day long I'm neglecting one of them. You would think 8 months of being a parent of 2 boys I would have learnt how to balance their needs better than this.

From 6am either the baby is in the playpen crying to be held or the 4 year old is whining that I'm not playing with him. Trying to anything with both of them (bathtime has prompted this post) is a nightmare. The baby grabs the eldest toy, the eldest snatches it back and baby screams.

Nap times are the worst. Baby will only settle lying next to me in bed. 4 year old ends up watching the tablet until I can get him to sleep. Someone please tell me how to do this better?

Dunno, children are a pain in the arse. Have you tried reasoning with the big one? Saying you need him to be a big boy and play with X quietly and once the baby's asleep you'll do Y with him?

Totally normal. Is the 4 year old at school yet? Once he starts, you'll find it easier. You get all the benefits of being a new mum with experience but the holidays may be a challenge for a while yet.

Any possibility of your h taking time off?

Any friends/relatives happy to take 4 year old for a bit?

I feel awful. I made a list this morning of all the things I wanted to do with them today thinking a plan would be easier. We've only managed 3 things and most of those in a half arsed way. DS told me he's sad he has no one to play with today, which breaks my heart. Just as we are about to play Lego or whatever the baby starts crying. I promised him we would do some cooking today from his Gruffalo cookbook but we haven't even got to the shops for the ingredients yet.

He starts school in September. A huge part of me is wishing the summer away (I know that's awful).

This is what cbeebies is made for. Three things sounds amazing. Let him get bored. It won't hurt him. I used to think as long as we went out for a walk for an hour (baby in sling ot buggy) and read for a bit together then non stop telly is fine.

Have you tried using a sling? That's the only thing I found to pacify a baby whilst playing with a toddler. Something like an ergo might be good?
It's very hard... mine are now 7,5 & 1 and it does get easier, but the first year of having two children I found pretty tough

DS is playing teach your monster how to read on my laptop. DS2 is sleeping. I'm drinking tea. I should be tidying bombsite of house but never mind. When DS2 wakes up we are going to walk to the shop buy the ingredients to make turned out toe burgers and roasted fox sweet potatoes. You never know we might even get as far as cooking dinner.

Thank you for making me feel less guilty.

I hear ya!

6 year old and 1 year old boys and it's flipping hard! Eldest doesn't complain too much but peace usually involves a screen of some kind for him. In term times baby and I get to go to groups etc in day but he hates the school runs and I feel like they dictate the day a bit. End up friends with a lot of first time mums but with the commitment of arriving late/leaving early etc when going out together to fit around school. Baby rarely happy. I honestly feel like everything has gone to shiz and frequently remember all the things I promised to do that didn't get done with eldest once he's asleep at night .

Hugs to you, they won't be tiny forever and you're definitely not the only one riding it out x

We've tried slings but DS2 hates them. Equally DS1 just won't play by himself. Unless it's watching tv/ playing computer games. Grrr.

Some most days I feel like we should have stopped at one. I was good at having one.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. Take them out to a park/open space in the mornings, lunch in park or at home and bit of tv then put out some play doh/colouring in for 4yo.
The baking you are planning on sounds lovely but keep it simple when you're on your own. Simple activities, simpler dinners

Do you get out much OP?

Although it is effort getting out it is worth it because the eldest is entertained and the baby fascinated by his surroundings.

Perhaps you could time trips out for when baby is tired and he can sleep in the pram?

Go easy on yourself and as for the naps, your technique sounds okay to me!

Alter your expectations. Having things you want to do is great but don't have fixed timescales, that just adds stress. Take each day as it comes. TV time is fine if it allows you to get things done. Just use the baby's nap times for your eldest. For housework accept less than perfection and involve the kids where you can.

I'm the same... Ds2 nearly two now and it's getting easy, they'll play together a bit which helps, and reassures me that ds1 has gained as well as lost by having a brother. Also have given in entirely to ds1's love of screens. I'm sure I could be doing a better job but it's good enough!

We do get out most days. We've been stuck indoors today because DS4 hates being out in the rain, even with wellies and waterproofs on. It's cleared up a bit now though.

Yes, I see what you mean about the cooking. It's something he loves to do and I've promised him we would. Will save it in future for weekends when DH is here.

I personally think you are stuck in a rut.

The 4yr old shouldn't be whinging for you to play with him all the time. He's old enough to sometimes play alone and sometimes simply understand that the baby needs more physical help. And also that mummy needs to be left alone sometimes. He also should be able to keep his shit together when the 8 month old snatches something but that will only happen if you back him up and teach him how to deal with it better. For that particular conflict I always tell my 4yr old 'don't lose it!!! Hold on, I'll help you' and then conspire with him to get the toy back. Nobody is allowed to snatch something another has in our house (4, 2 and 1yr olds), baby or otherwise. The deal is if the baby takes something, the older child goes and grabs something to trade/swop/distract baby with and gets the toy back. If baby clings on, I intervene and get the toy back and then deal with baby's tantrum. So now my kids feel confident they won't be screwed over in these situations and act pretty calmly when snatching happens.

Nap times, 8 months is perfect timing to put your foot down. Baby can't tie up both you and the 4 yr old like that! Put baby in cot at the same time every day and walk out. Let him cry for a few mins without freaking out. Babies can learn anything when actually challenges to. I can't afford to pander to my littlest because of how little the others are so she has had to wait at times and often that little wait has led to her deciding to go to sleep. But your baby will never learn how to take a nap if you don't ask him to, teach him how and challenge him to get on with it. 8 months they are getting pretty aware and smart.

I personally think you need a break and some support for another perspective but you may not be able to get the break or the support so all I can say is that if you keep doing things the same way, you'll get the same results so keep trying new ways to run the flash points of your day.

Just to add, I think mums who have the same shit and monotony every day often do get stuck in a rut. I often have! But I find if you tackle problems one at a time you can make massive improvements in your quality of life. My 4 yr old would not go to the loo without me! Which is a massive ball ache as I'd have to leave the screaming toddlers to go stand and watch him. I recently put my foot down and just thought fuck this, let's sort that shit out. So I refused to go with him. At first I'd sing a song to keep him company as he went (we'd both sing it and he could hear me), then I moved to just no. If you can't go alone, you don't go. Fine by me. And now a couple of weeks on, he toddles off alone to the loo and only calls me when it's a #2. Such a relief!!!

So, my advice is pick a point if stress and put your foot down and fix it. I always imagine how I want it to be and then share the plan with the child and simply put my foot down, no flexibility with the plan. At worst it works partially and best it actually fully works. So with naps, put your foot down and see where you get to.

I have exactly the same aged boys! It is now just us 3 so I know how overwhelming it can be.
Honestly, I don't get huge amounts done but I do have a few little tips.
Baby's bedtime is 6.30pm, I get DS1 ready for bed at the same time and send him up to his room to play. Then when DS2 has fallen asleep, I spend an hour with DS1 doing whatever his heart desires. Sometimes it's lego/playmobil other times he justs wants me to sit and watch Tinga Tinga with him. He has a bed time story every night.
Another one is just getting out everyday. Honestly you don't even have to get the baby dressed, throw baby in the pram, take DS1's scooter if he has one and go for a walk. Play games like 'how many farm animals can you list' and 'eye spy'. My DS1 loves this and DS2 is at least looking at things and getting some fresh air.
Have you got a door bouncer or jumperoo?
I don't find using a sling whilst cleaning all that helpful as at 8 months they're fairly big and grabby but worth a shot?
I have shit days too, I posted on here the other day about how useless I am!

I had be same gap and a dd that hated playing - I cracked and had someone come in to watch the baby so I could take elder dd out a couple of times a week but it was a slog. I reckon the older one is ready for school, it will get better and they do get better at playing on their own too!

Thanks Sausage I think you do have a point particularly with DS playing by himself.

I only have DH here at weekends and during the week I tend to give in more than I otherwise would for an easy life/ because I'm so tired

I have a six year old and a 1 year old. Yes sometimes my 6 year old get a bit jealous but she does play by herself. When my littlest was 8 months she had to sit and cry sometimes otherwise I wouldn't get out the door on time for school run etc. Now she understands that sometimes she has to wait. It does get easier as they get older but nip the sharing in the bus now especially with your four year old. I stood mine that she was a big girl and she had a very important job as a big sister to teach her little sister how to behave like a big girl. Now everytime my littlest has a tantrum she will say come on that's not how big girls behave 😂

I'm the queen of giving in from tiredness (pregnant with #4 now too) but don't be too hard on yourself. Pick what's a problem and don't give in on that one thing. Other things, give in on if it makes your life easier for a bit:)

I hear ya, I find having 2 SO MUCH HARDER than having 1. And yeah always feels like you end up neglecting one.

Mine are closer in age (DS1 is nearly 3 and DS2 is nearly 9 months) but I face some of the same issues...

One thing that has worked well (some days) is going for a walk, DS1 and I chat about whatever we see (mostly cars, vans, cats...) and DS2 usually goes to sleep in the pushchair. When we get home I tell DS1 to be nice and quiet so DS2 can sleep and in return he gets to have mummy to himself. DS2 will sleep in the pushchair while I have 1-one-1 time with DS1. We read stories, make popcorn or play whatever he wants.

Bedtime is much harder, like yours my little one will only go to sleep nursing or lying next to me. I do not want to sleep train him or let him cry so DS1 either has to wait until DS2 is asleep, or if DP is at home he will sort DS1, other nights I have to have little one on my lap while reading bedtime story to big one... it's a constant back and forth sometimes!! Bathtime - I usually have both in at the same time but take DS2 out first, get him dressed etc then get DS1 out. They actually enjoy doing things together even though they always squabble over toys!

I'm convinced it will get easier as DS2 gets older and is less helpless.

That said, my older one is actually quite happy to play by himself for a while and he also gets in and out of the bath by himself, which helps.

Does your older one go to nursery or GPs any day of the week so you get some 1-one-1 time with baby?

1-on-1 time* !!!

He is going to nursery but term time on so just waiting for the hols to be over and reception to start

I should have stopped at none!