Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think I'm not cut out for 2 children

48 replies

Pipsqueaked · 27/07/2017 14:10

My youngest is almost 8 months, my eldest is 4 and all day long I'm neglecting one of them. You would think 8 months of being a parent of 2 boys I would have learnt how to balance their needs better than this.

From 6am either the baby is in the playpen crying to be held or the 4 year old is whining that I'm not playing with him. Trying to anything with both of them (bathtime has prompted this post) is a nightmare. The baby grabs the eldest toy, the eldest snatches it back and baby screams.

Nap times are the worst. Baby will only settle lying next to me in bed. 4 year old ends up watching the tablet until I can get him to sleep. Someone please tell me how to do this better?

OP posts:

Missymoo100 · 27/07/2017 17:15

I'm going through the same at moment, eight week old and two year old- it's hard trying to juggle everything, in fact it's impossible and we have to accept that we can't possibly do it all, just have to do your best. I have found it useful to get some things older child likes to do- colouring books, sticker books, play doh, a little craft box for sticking, that she's happy to do by herself, I can set it up and keep an eye over it while I see to the younger baby. As others have said days don't have to be crammed with activities, sometimes they have to learn to entertain themselves a bit and it helps them to develop an imagination.

MoHunter · 27/07/2017 17:36

Pipsqueaked Wow, in that case a tough 6/7 weeks ahead! But hey once he starts reception you'll have lots of time with the little one alone... Hang in there and try to enjoy (ahahaha yeah I know!) the time left with DS1 because once he starts school you'll probably miss your time with him (I imagine?)...

wobblywonderwoman · 27/07/2017 17:38

I think with things like cooking from the gruffalo book.. You need to tell the four year old to chose a few then put the ingredients on the online shop (if you do that)

Batch cook when dh is around and he can peel veg, wash up or cook and that frees up time in the day. It is only a few weeks until Ds is at school for you so try and just rids if out. I had 14 months between my two and I did sink into depression I am only coming out of (and only recognising if I am honest)

I do make a point of going somewhere everyday though. I hard soft play but it allows the older one to run about while baby is in a highchair and you can have a coffee.

wobblywonderwoman · 27/07/2017 17:39

Agree that four year old needs to play by himself .I tell mine (four) that mummy needs coffee time and I am quite strict about it!!!

Theycalledmethewildrose · 27/07/2017 18:07

Mine are a little older and I felt like you do now and at least a couple of times a day I regret ever having a second child. They are lovely kids but I'm not a good mother to two. I feel like neither of them are happy. I have never mastered balancing and one of them is always stuck to the TV or tablet. Parenthood is a long hard slog when there is more than one child.

I don't have any advice but I find things a whole lot easier when we leave the house and spend as much of the day outside as is possible.

sidesplittinglol · 27/07/2017 20:48

Op your op describes me to a T. It is hard. My DD is 2 and DS is 7 months. I always feel like one is being neglected to, it's hard to balance really. DD doesn't like it when I give DS attention i.e. At feeding times or putting to sleep. Play time I let them both play together. I'm always conscious that DS isn't developing as much he could be if he had more 1-to -1 time without his sister being a distraction. She doesn't like to play by herself and takes all the toys out.

Bed time is the same. Deal with them individually whilst one is waiting. I'm just hoping when they're older it will get easier.

joannegrady90 · 27/07/2017 20:51

You're being really hard on yourself.

As harsh as it may sound maybe best to ignore your oldest if you're really busy

"Mummy's busy so you'll have to play by yourself for a while"

And then just get on with the baby, housework whatever.

Then when you have time spend some one on one with him, and hopefully he'll understand that mummy can't always play.

manglethedangle · 27/07/2017 20:52

Some people aren't cut out for 2. I'm one of them. Thankfully I've realised that before I had number two but that's because I'm not sure I'm cut out for one nursery and work have helped my sanity.

Tilapia · 27/07/2017 20:55

Three things you've done today with your DS1 sounds pretty good to me! Well done OP.

Edna1969 · 27/07/2017 20:58

Pipsqueaked you achieved 3 things on your list? Very well done I'd have struggled to do that when DDs were your sons ages. Be kind to yourself. Parenting is hard, celebrate small victories.

My DDs are older now and mostly play well together. It does get easier and also everything passes and then you start to feel nostalgic (DD1 off to secondary in Sept so I'm feeling a bit of this now).

Nokia3310 · 27/07/2017 20:59

Hey Pipsqueaked...I reckon the vast majority of us are just winging it, but honestly it does get easier. X

There's nothing wrong with cbeebies, tablet use or just letting a 4 year old get bored as they work out how to entertain themselves. Keep smiling, and be reassured that even the most competent looking mum has days of chaos.

And drink wine when they go to bed!

Tortycat · 27/07/2017 23:08

I could have written your post op! I have 2 ds (3 and 1). I used to feel like i was a good mum and since having 2 i often feel rubbish. Ive had them both at home full time since ds2 born. I feel that I'm always neglecting one of them. I try to go out but we're just ready to go by the time ds is ready for a nap, so he's become a terrible sleeper as he just gets carted off. Its become harder now ds2 is mobile and can grab ds1's toys etc. He will go in the sling but gets bored unless he can explore now. I also have far less patience than i used to as I'm much more tired. And sadly ds1 doesnt like ds2 yet! No advice but a lot of empathy

Funnyonion17 · 27/07/2017 23:38

I remember thow days. Eventually they play together and spending time with both of them at the same time is doable

Cakescakescakes · 27/07/2017 23:47

I felt like that till my youngest was about 2.5 and they started playing well together. Now watching them play and enjoy each other's company is the biggest joy in my life. That sounds soppy but it's true. I just found the baby and preschooler combo almost impossible as they were both pretty challenging in their own ways (SN and reflux).

Theycalledmethewildrose · 28/07/2017 00:05

Eventually they play together and spending time with both of them at the same time is doable

I know this was said to be kind but I find it so depressing. If I can ever achieve 'doable', I can never see myself exceeding it. If I had known what having two kids is as hard and exhausting as it is, I'd never ever have done it.

Sprinklestar · 28/07/2017 00:17

Honestly? The Kindle Fire is your friend...

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 28/07/2017 01:01

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think my expectations today have been a large part of the problem. I expected to be able to: Do bathtime, help build a Lego city, do some arts and craft, have a home disco, popcorn and a movie, shop and cook. In reality we just did the bath, the Lego, the shopping and cooking. Big DS got some play dough and colouring pens slung at him while I looked after little DS. I think that's ok really.

But yes to those who find 2 kids tiring and hard work. Before DS2 we talked about having 3 children. I can't imagine it now. I think my head would explode.

OP posts:

midnightmisssuki · 28/07/2017 07:29

This is me - i have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. My husband travels for for (he's currently on a 2 week work trip and I'm about to lose my mind) Its such an awful feeling and it upsets me but theres not much i can do about it. I try my best. Good luck OP - and don't give yourself such a hard time.

sidesplittinglol · 28/07/2017 12:20

What's weird is that I worked in a nursery and looked after so many toddlers in a routine and this was easy. It's a different ball game having your own kids at home.

I agree. I also said 3 would be great and I still do but I don't know if I'd cope.

MrSlant · 29/07/2017 22:42

I have three and they are mostly teens now and the guilt that you are never doing enough for one of them never goes away. I think (hope!) that this is just part of being a parent. You would love to devote your time to one of them but you can't, personally I think it's good for them to learn that they aren't the be all an end all, there has to be give and take in this life and having a sibling, in the end, is a great gift even though you have to share your parent. FFS DS2 would you just get this message after 15 years. Please.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 29/07/2017 23:13

The fact you're worrying about it means you're a good mum! Mine are exactly 24months apart and luckily they have always got on great, although now the older one is 4 she demands a HUGE amount of attention! I try to do an outing with her alone at least once a week, and if I am not working we use nap time as 1-1. I keep some games to one side that are her 'special' things that her sister is not allowed to touch which only come out during nap time. I do feel like I am always neglecting one, and unfortunately DD2 is usually getting the bad deal at the moment. Her speech is definitely behind and I know this is my fault. DD1 starts school in Sep so that will mean a lot more time for me to spend with DD2. Its so true though, my absolute favourite part of being a parent is watching them bond, play and laugh together.

ClaireBear15 · 29/07/2017 23:14

Totally get this. My 2 are 4 months and nearly 3 years old. I have found this past week so hard with it being summer holidays and the eldest not at preschool for a couple days a week. I think half terms are easier as the end is in sight from the beginning! Also hubby works a lot (10/12 hour days and has only had 1 day off this last month). So a lot of the time I feel like a single parent 🙁
I definitely agree to getting out every day. Baby usually sleeps and toddler burns off some energy. Also I think you do have to lower your expectations and appreciate what you have achieved rather than what you havent. For instance the other week we had baked cakes and painted pictures by 10am. The day was going like clockwork before the s#!t hit the fan things started going wrong. But I held onto the fact we had a good few hours in the morning. It's not always this easy mind, I have been in tears wondering why I thought I could raise 2 children! But I think (hope!) It will get better. And the really crazy thing is I still really want another!!!! just perhaps when the boys are at school so it's a little easier. Husband disagrees though so that's another discussion for the future 😔

uptownfunkymonk · 30/07/2017 02:56

Sorry op- I read your
Post and a few after but skipped onto the wise old woman advice- well a few years older- I have an 8yo a 6yo and a 3 yo- and the competing for attention (which yours are doing) only seems to get worse- no solutions apart from some lovely self help soul satisfaction posts on you tube to keep you sane!!! Some point you and I will meet in the future- when fog has lifted- and talk about human stuff again!!!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread