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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in not wanting to spend a large sum of money to go to a wedding.

51 replies

goingfor3 · 22/03/2007 19:14

We have been invited to three weddings this year, all really far from where we live.

We are staying with family for the first so we just have to pay for the train, about £70, and outfits - which would do for the others. It is a family wedding so can justify the expense. The next wedding is a friends and with train fare, accomadation and extras such as food will cost about £200. The third is in Scotland, I live near London, will cost alot in train fare, accomadation will be expensive and is in the middle of nowhere so we will have to spend loads on taxis.

We are going to the first but just cannot afford to go to the others. I know the people holding the weddings pay a lot for them but is it fair that we should also spend a fortune. Will people be offened if we tell them we just cannot afford to come?

OP posts:
Tinker · 22/03/2007 19:15

Don't say you can't afford it, just say you can't go. Weddings cost a fortune for the guests

moondog · 22/03/2007 19:16

You don't even have to tell them you can't afford it.
Just say you can't make it.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/03/2007 19:17

It's kinda hard if the wedding is in the middle of no-where. My friend had hers in a remote hotel but she had taken over all the rooms at a reduced rate so it made it more affordable for people. I think it's OK if you can really make a weekend of it but if you are really strapped for cash then you'll just have to bite the bullet. I assume that on top of all the other expenses you'd still have to buy a wedding pressie too?

gscrym · 22/03/2007 19:21

Better just to say you can't make it. I had people agree to come to my wedding, then not turn up. It cost us money because they had been catered for.

Weddings are ridiculously expensive for all involved. At least £200. It's nice to be invited but with 3 of them, you could easily be £1000 in outfits, travel, drinks and presents. Ask for a copy of the video.

Original poster
goingfor3 · 22/03/2007 19:23

We will still have to buy presents.

If we went to the one in Scotland we could probably have made it into a holiday but the children are not invited, which really bugs me, and it will be in decmber which is not really and ideal time to holiday on the west coast of Scotland.

It's a real shame we can't really go and I feel guilty that we have to say no. I know I shouldn't as I didn't choose the locations but I feel bad saying no when they have thought to invite us.

OP posts:
Original poster
goingfor3 · 22/03/2007 19:25

gscrym - I woud definatley let them know if I couldn't make it as it's rude not to as I know people need to cater and are often careful about numbers.

OP posts:
moondog · 22/03/2007 19:25

Really,they won't mind a bit.
Neither will a present be expected.
The bride will be so taken with daft trivia such as whether the loo rolls match the tulle bows on the centrepieces that Heather MacCartney could go in your place and she wouldn't notice.

BethBoo · 22/03/2007 19:33

My sister had a wedding in Scotland smack bang in the middle of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival!!

It cost a bloody fortune! I had just had our DD and decided to bite the bullet and become a SAHM so it made a really big dent in the coffers! We turned it into a family holiday but I am sure a week somewhere a little more exotic would have been alot cheaper.

Just say thanks but we cant make it, and send a card or telegram to be read on the day. Privately you can say that you have quite a few weddings this year but can only really make it to one and I'm sure they will understand. Saying its all too expensive may just make them feel guilty.

gscrym · 22/03/2007 19:41

Ginger I wasn't saying that you wouldn't say. I meant that cost may have been a factor into why some people didn't show at mine. I hope I didn't offend you .

I'm sure they'll understand. If you know where they're staying for the night of the wedding, phone the hotel and have them put some champers in the room. I hope you have a nice time at the family wedding you're going to.

WideWebWitch · 22/03/2007 19:42

God, I'm so glad all my friends are on divorces or second cheap weddings, the £200 (+++ very often) to attend a wedding these days is mad .

Original poster
goingfor3 · 22/03/2007 19:45

gscrym - you didn't offend me at all!!! I'm sure many people agree to go to weddings before they will really work out the cost!

OP posts:
dingdongjustforyoufg · 22/03/2007 19:47

tis barmy, we are invited to a wedding in ROME of all places in August, one of DH's best friends so we want to go, we have insisted on taking DTs and making a week of it, but not staying at the wedding place, going to a campsite on the coast instead. My brother's fiancee is Irish so we are at their wedding in Ireland at Easter too, making a week of that as well but then that's our hols done, all on weddings

gscrym · 22/03/2007 19:47

I have no idea why I called you Ginger. I can only assume I subconciously want ginger sponge for tea .

itwasbanou · 22/03/2007 20:38

When I was bridesmaid for a friend I had to pay for the hen weekend in London, my bridesmaid dress, shoes, hair, travel, acccomodation for the night before and the night of the wedding as well as present/ drinks/ meals etc- it came to a small fortune!

This was two months after my now dh and I bought our first flat, and money was very tight- we couldn't afford to buy a sofa we spent so much attending the wedding-we had a desk chair and a beanbag in our lounge for almost 6 months!

Now we are very careful and only attend family weddings and friends weddings if they are local to us. I know this sounds mean but I would rather spend the money on a nice gift for them and send best wishes to the happy couple than stretch ourselves and feel resentful towards them in private!

I would imagine they won't ask why you can't go, they'll just want to confirm numbers. Perhaps you could give some suitably vague reason such as "prior commitments" if pressed

themoon66 · 22/03/2007 20:43

If they haven't invited DCs, then you could always say 'childcare problems' if they ask why you can't make it.

powder28 · 22/03/2007 20:57

why dont you just go to all of them and take a video camera with you. Theres bound to be some sort of incident at at least one of them that you can film and send in to youve been framed. Its £250!

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/03/2007 20:59

Powder that's a great idea. Some of the MNs could gatecrash the events to create a scene (or several)

powder28 · 22/03/2007 21:04

At my wedding two people ended up in casualty.ONe after slicing her hand open on a glass and the other having an allergic reaction to something she ate.
ONe of my dhs friends also picked up his drunken girlfriend and smashed her head on a chandelier. She was unconscious for the best part of the evening.
It was a bloody brilliant party though, aah, great days...

Original poster
goingfor3 · 23/03/2007 10:45

powder28 - sounds like it was a wedding worth going to!!!

OP posts:
powder28 · 23/03/2007 11:08

It was but my husband got so drunk he vomited all over the lovely hineymoon suite, including the bed, the bathroom etc. I had to place a pillow over some sick on the bed before i got in to it. No action that night!

Jamantha · 23/03/2007 12:03

Haven't read all of this thread yet, but in response so people saying "don't tell them you can't afford it" I'd say why not? When we got married an aunt & uncle, who I felt I was close to didn't come, and their excuse for why they couldn't make it never quite rang true. I was rather upset that perhaps I'd offended them somehow. 2 years later my aunt admitted (out of the blue) that it had simply been that they didn't have the money for a long journey and a hotel bill, and I was SO relieved. I'd certainly not dismiss the n=honest approach, but it may obviously depend on the situation with your friends.

HotXMum · 23/03/2007 12:05

Beat this goingfor3. Ive got to pay for two days in spain summing up to £320 in flights alone, never mind outfits, accomodation and a present!

HotXMum · 23/03/2007 12:07

Thats just for me and ds (5) dh doesnt really want to come as it will double the cost!

mamijacacalys · 23/03/2007 12:10

Agree with the 'be honest' approach.

And I wouldn't stress about the present - get a goat or something from Oxfam Unwrapped whether there's an officail gift list or not. Did this for one of my friends and she was chuffed as she thought it was both hilarious and original!

Jamantha · 23/03/2007 12:11

HotXMum - why have you "got" to go? Sorry if I'm being dim here, but you do have some choice. We went to a wedding in Rome alst year, and yes it cost us for flights, hotel, and clothes, and incidental expenses while we were there. But we chose to go, no once forced us. And had a great time. On the other hand a very close friend went to Vegas to get married, and we had to turn that one down. Was a shame, and I wish I had seen her getting married, but it was too much at the time so we just had to say no.