Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

in not wanting to spend a large sum of money to go to a wedding.

51 replies

goingfor3 · 22/03/2007 19:14

We have been invited to three weddings this year, all really far from where we live.

We are staying with family for the first so we just have to pay for the train, about £70, and outfits - which would do for the others. It is a family wedding so can justify the expense. The next wedding is a friends and with train fare, accomadation and extras such as food will cost about £200. The third is in Scotland, I live near London, will cost alot in train fare, accomadation will be expensive and is in the middle of nowhere so we will have to spend loads on taxis.

We are going to the first but just cannot afford to go to the others. I know the people holding the weddings pay a lot for them but is it fair that we should also spend a fortune. Will people be offened if we tell them we just cannot afford to come?

OP posts:

Tommy · 23/03/2007 12:12

I went to a wedding in Spain once - I was a student at the time and very skint. In the queue at check I got chatting to a woman who asked me what I'd bought as a present. I remeber looking at her blankly and thinking "Present? I'd kinda thought me coming all the way from London was present enough....."

Weddings are getting ridiculously expensive these days - it's time to make a stand!

outinthesticksmummy · 23/03/2007 12:14

know what you mean. Been invited to my cousins wedding in Berritz - south of france!!! its a 2 day affair in a chateaux rooms £180 pp per night!! and a beach party the next day, so thats 2 outfits. Wedding list will be set in a small Toulouse shop (order on line). OMG!!!! I hate posh wedding lists, end up buying a poxy milk jug and them knowing exactly what the cost was.

Chateaux is surrounded by water and i'm going with a toddler (hell) and main meal/speeches is in the evening when the children are all "tucked up in bed "- eh?? since we cannot affored to stay in chateaux, how do i get my dd tucked up in bed??

HotXMum · 23/03/2007 12:16

Jamantha, yes It is my brother's wedding, it all seems a little disorganised as it is at beg of June and he still hasnt told us of the venue. If he leaves it any later then I may have a valid excuse for not coming. As it is I will have to take ds out of school on the monday to fly back.

Ive noticed that all flights are very late at night too not fair on ds really to be arriving after 11pm at either end of the journey.

Twinkie1 · 23/03/2007 12:19

Just tell them that you cannot afford to come - we have been invited to DHs brothers in Cuba and I just said to them - No way far too expensive we cannot afford it this year!!

2 people said they couldn't afford to come to my wedding and I was pleased that they were honest enough to tell me the truth opr I would have thought that they didn't like me or had someting better to do when fo course nothing could have been better!!

Is bloody hurricane season too!!

Anorak came though - it made my night!

LucyJones · 23/03/2007 12:28

itwasbanou - i am shocked you had to buy your own bridesmaid dress, pay for your hair etc.
When we got married we only had my neice as a bridesmaid and my nephew as a pageboy and we paid for the outfits. Would never have dreamed of doing anything else

Jamantha · 23/03/2007 12:29

OK HXM, I appreciate that if it's very close family such as your brother then there is more pressure to attend. Sorry if I seemed unfeeling. But I get a bit wound up by the "it's so unfair, it's going to cost us £xxx, don't these people think" attitude that seems very prevalent. Yes, it may be inconvenient/costly to go to these things, and probably a lot of people don't think, but there is also an argument that it's their wedding and they can pick what they want to do. I'm not saying it's right, just that there are two sides to this.

itwasbanou · 23/03/2007 20:50

Powder28- what a memorable day! Sounds like my wedding day- sil fell down the stairs, followed an hour or two later by the best man (who broke 2ribs)

The bar took 6grand at the evening reception- it was a cracking night even though I was 35weeks pregnant and had to drag my husband out of the taxi and into the house with the cake, the presents and the flowers in the early hours of the morning!!!

I distinctly remember having a cup of tea and a bowl of Shreddies as he slept on the stairs! Happy days!

MrsSchadenfreude · 23/03/2007 21:05

I'll quote my mother here, to her niece, on the occasion of niece's second wedding:

"I'm not schlepping all the way to Cambridge for a finger buffet and a glass of warm Asti."

powder28 · 23/03/2007 21:35

I dont blame her, Mrs!

ravenAK · 23/03/2007 21:47

I was honest once about not going to a wedding because we could spare neither the money nor the time (it would've meant dh using his last 2 days holiday for that year, as travelling involved).

The Bridezilla in question let me know that she was MOST offended because she knew damn well that we'd made the effort for another mate a few months previously.

Another time I'd plead prior commitment tbh.

kitbit · 25/03/2007 18:30

Ours was in a city centre in a city near where most of our friends lived but still some relatives had to travel, stay over etc. My cousins were honest with me and said they simply couldn't afford travel+hotel+outfits and like a pp I was really glad they said so as otherwise I would have felt unloved!

zippitippitoes · 25/03/2007 18:40

dps niece is getting married inCuba and people seem to think we will be going haha

Judy1234 · 25/03/2007 18:55

Don't go or ask if they have someone in Scotland who can do lifts. I often fly to Newcastle and I book well in advance and at times like 7am I can get from London very cheap fares.

FairyEdwards · 25/03/2007 19:17

if you dont want to pay the money to go to the wedding dont.

Make up and excuse - you do not have to go. Iwould hate people to feel obliged to come to my wedding - only would want people there who thoguht it was worth paying to see me get married.

yomellamoHelly · 25/03/2007 19:44

Tbh when we had our wedding we deliberately kept it local to where we, and the majority of our friends, lived. We wanted them to be there. I would have thought location would be something that would have occurred to them and they'd understand it was too far afield for you to make.
That said when my youngest brother got married he hired a huge house. His intention was that all the guests would stay there after the wedding. Trouble was he did it without consulting anyone and just told us qhat our share'd be! Our ds was 19 months. We drove down (350 miles each way) and back the same day because it was a ridiculous amount of money he wanted. I told him straight out there was no way we could afford it. My other 2 brothers and their wives and my mum stayed in nearby b&bs at a fraction of the cost.

twentypence · 25/03/2007 19:49

Our friends just got married and specified ball dresses and Tuxedos. Dh got his from a charity shop and got the shirt and bow tie ex-rental. I recycled an outfit from when I was young and glamorous (cost of gym membership to get into it to also be included).

BUT they had a free bar all night and specified no presents. So I have decided that it is okay to say have a wedding in the middle of nowhere, or insist people dress like they are in James Bond Movie. But you have to realise that will cost people and maybe consider if you ask for presents.

Judy1234 · 25/03/2007 19:54

And another possiblity some of my cheap tripst to Newcastle I fly back the same day so may be you could leave early for a last flight home to save a hotel bill.

hatwoman · 25/03/2007 19:56

haven't read the otehr posts but no you're not unreasonable in not wanting to spend the money, but you're wrong to ask if it's "fair" that you should. fair doesn;t come into it. in a modern world people will have friends and family all over the country - many have them all over the globe. it's just not possible for them to have their wedding at a location that's convenient for all their guests. I think many brides and grooms are very conscious that they're asking an awful lot of theose who are far flung - but the alternative is to not invite them.

littleEasterlapin · 25/03/2007 19:59

Just been invited to a wedding in Zimbabwe... [sigh]... would LOVE to go, just to see the countryside if nothing else (also is a close mate, so would love to see her walk up the aisle) but just can't justify the expense (or actually going to Zimbabwe in the current political climate, IYSWIM)

OP, you're not being unreasonable, if it's too expensive, it's too expensive, but I wouldn't make your friend feel bad, just say you can't make it

Judy1234 · 25/03/2007 20:06

I never get asked to weddings. It's just funerals, death, disease, dementia.

crunchie · 25/03/2007 20:18

I refused to gp to two of my cousins weddings. I did use childcare as an excuse, but cost was certainly one factor.

One cousin was marrying in Drakes in Brighton, if you booked into the hotel you were 'allowed' to go to the whole wedding, if you went elsewhere you only got to go to the evening reception AFTER the main meal So basically you spent £200 on the night in a hotel and were allowed to go to a wedding and get a free meal, you spent £50 on a B&B and you were allowed to go to the pay bar bit for 3 hours!!

We didn't bother going

luchinka · 25/03/2007 20:20

Fair doesn't come into it. If you don't want to go, don't go. As simple as that. I'm getting married in a foreign country and have invited people who will have to pay for flights and hotel but I totally understand that they may not be able to afford it or want to make my wedding their year's holiday and that's fine. They are under no obligation to come. I'm sure a swith me and my foreign guests, no one will be offended if you don't go, they'll understnad it's a lot of money to spend. I think you should take it as a compliment to have been invited. It means they're fond of you.

hatwoman · 25/03/2007 20:22

crunchie! that's awful. I do think there are cases where bride and groom have been a bit thoughtless but the far flung weddings I've been to have been at the home area of one or other - not far flung for the sake of it iyswim. far flung for the sake of it would piss me off a bit.

asadkins · 25/03/2007 20:47

Hey I thought I was the only one. Lucky for us we missed two weddings last summer cause we had booked our hols( boy did our 'friends' make us feel guilty though) Had a big wedding in Oot DH was usher, good friends, we had to and really wanted to go. But set in a castle of which they had booked all the rooms. Felt checky asking if the room would cost us so said nothing. Tux and ball gown affair! Who wheres a ball gown to a church at an 11am wedding! So I 'had' to buy two outfits! Then at checkout next morning, £175 bill!!!!!
Great wedding though. Bankrupt for the rest of yr!

littleEasterlapin · 25/03/2007 20:54

Year before last I went to ELEVEN weddings...

Flip

1 2 3