Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Something DH said

32 replies

LuckyAmy1986 · 27/06/2017 11:51

so I have been watching the This Morning phone in which is about affairs. DH called me and I told him about a lady who saw her husband snogging the neighbour after a party, both drunk and in front of their daughter. I said how disgusting that was.
He said it's bad that is was in front of the daughter but it's forgivable. I was shocked. I said so you would be ok if I snogged your best friend? He said yes if you were both drunk, I would just laugh it off. I said well be under no illusion if you ever did that I wouldn't just laugh it off. And he said yes but I am more laid back than you. WTF

OP posts:
PinkHeart5911 · 27/06/2017 11:55

If dh kissed someone else while drunk ( or infact sober) it wouldn't bother me and I don't think dh would be overly bothered if I kissed someone and it was just a kiss. What does a kiss mean anyway

I think like your dh does, but we all have our deal breakers don't we and kissing is obviously one of yours and as long as your partner knows that it's fine

SeagullsStoleMyChurro · 27/06/2017 11:56

It would bother both DH and I very much as we would consider it infidelity.

ChildishGambino · 27/06/2017 11:56

I just heard that and I think the worst thing was that they both totally denied it and that it was in front of their daughter. The caller thought she was overreacting because everyone had just denied it. I personally think that's really cruel. It'd be a deal breaker for me.

MargaretCavendish · 27/06/2017 12:02

Surely for most people this one falls into a middle ground? I wouldn't 'laugh it off' - I'd be pretty angry - but I also can't imagine ending a marriage over it, as I can over what I would truly class as 'infidelity'. These things are so personal, though - I'd put it as pretty much equivalent to visiting a strip club, but I know for lots of people they'd see that as either completely trivial or far, far worse than a drunken snog.

tonightonight · 27/06/2017 12:04

It depends what the kiss means.
If it's a kiss for a laugh, no sexual feelings or temptations, I could forgive that.
If it was a kiss because they felt swayed by the mood, a sudden attraction to each other or just a desire to kiss/do more with whoever was around, no I would not forgive that.
I can keep it in my pants, I expect the same from him

lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 12:07

I would consider it infidelity too. Drunkenness doesn't make any difference, there are lines you just don't cross. Anyone who could do something like that could cheat.

lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 12:09

Let me put that another way: I do a lot of socialising around alcohol. This is like admitting infanticide on Mumsnet, but I go out at least 3 times a week with friends, often quite late, and occasionally people are really far gone by the end! I have been doing this for 15 years. I have never once snogged someone I wasn't 'meant' to be snogging. Nor have any of my friends.

AceholeRimmer · 27/06/2017 12:12

It would be wrong in our relationship but everyone has different boundaries.. it sounds like your husbands are a bit laxer. It wouldn't be the end of us though.

NeedATrim · 27/06/2017 12:14

Yes well, it's very easy to hold that viewpoint when looking at it objectively, isn't it?

When it's personal and becomes reality, laid back rarely makes its appearance.

Tazerface · 27/06/2017 12:16

I think kissing is really intimate (assuming OP doesn't mean a peck) and gives proper fanny gallops if done right. There's a reason sex workers don't do kissing.

For that reason alone I'd be really upset.

caffeinestream · 27/06/2017 12:21

I mean, it's probably quite easy for him to say it wouldn't bother him because it hasn't happened!

I bet you if it happened in front of him, he'd be fucking furious.

KelbyH19 · 27/06/2017 12:21

This is a difficult one for me - before I met DH, I would kiss anyone and everyone. It wasn't a big deal to me at all and I don't see it as something 'romantic', it's more just an atmosphere thing. There are plenty of people that I know who I would just love to kiss, just to see what it's like, but I'm not particularly attracted to them and definitely have no romantic interest in them. I know that it would mean nothing to me.

That said, I know my husband would (of course) be absolutely NOT ok with me doing it, and I know that even though I could do it and have no romantic investment at all, I hate the idea of DH doing the same. Which is exactly why I would never, ever kiss someone else whilst married or in a relationship. Me being interested in how someone else kisses is not worth even a tiny dent on my marriage, let alone completely breaking it.

Coddiwomple · 27/06/2017 12:22

Agree with above, we all have different boundaries.

I don't believe for a second you do things only "because you are drunk". Maybe falling over, but everything else you still decide, at worst you lose some inhibitions a little bit, but no more. I disagree strongly that it doesn't mean anything because it was alcohol related.

If my DH kisses someone else, I wouldn't take it well. At best it's disrespectful, but it is infidelity. So OP I would not like the comments from your DH at all!

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/06/2017 12:25

don't believe him - i bet he would hit the roof irl - he just likes to think of himself as laid back.

men don't know what they think half the time.

Original poster
LuckyAmy1986 · 27/06/2017 12:26

When I said be under no illusion it wouldn't be ok with me, he said I would never do that to you anyway. I highly doubt he would ever cheat on me (and yes, I consider kissing someone else cheating) but you can never say never of course as we all know. But it's that he would seemingly be ok if I did it? He said if I was sober it would be a different matter. I don't think being drunk excuses anything like that. I guess I am just surprised at our boundaries being so different. I'm not saying I would 100% end the marriage but it would give us a lot of problems that would be very difficult to overcome if he did something like this. Maybe it would be different if it actually happened and he is just saying he would laugh it off flippantly.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 27/06/2017 12:31

Drunkenness doesn't make any difference, there are lines you just don't cross. Anyone who could do something like that could cheat.

I wouldn't go quite that far. In my younger, heavier drinking days I did sometimes find that I would sort of find myself kissing someone in a club or party or something without really knowing quite how it had happened - sometimes to my horror! I don't think the same thing can ever happen with sex because it has too many intermediary steps (finding a private place, undressing, etc.).

Peckwater · 27/06/2017 12:32

I'd find someone who thinks Drunk Doesn't Count past the age of about 18 more than a bit juvenile.

Crunchymum · 27/06/2017 12:33

Odd that your DH 'called you' (into the room? On the phone?) to discuss it.... Confused

Umbrellifera · 27/06/2017 12:33

Did DH ring you just to ask you that question?

Crunchymum · 27/06/2017 12:33

Oh right sorry OP I see you bought it up!!

Original poster
LuckyAmy1986 · 27/06/2017 12:35

Exactly. Drunk does count and in fact maybe it just gave him (the man in the story, not my DH!) the balls to do something he had been wanting to do for a long time? Or even worse maybe it had happened before and the drunkenness made them sloppy.
No, being drunk for me doesn't make any difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyAmy1986 · 27/06/2017 12:36

No I was watching this morning, he called me on his work break, I paused the tv and he said what are you up to? Oh just watching this morning, there is a phone in today about affairs, the last one was really bad it happened in front of their little girl etc etc, that is how it came up!

OP posts:
YouWouldntLetItLie · 27/06/2017 12:37

I think OP was at home, watching This Morning, and her DH rang for a chat.

Neither option is acceptable, but I could forgive a drunken, over-emotional, spur--of-the-moment snog more readily than a covert pre-planned dinner a deux where nothing actually happened.

6079SmithW · 27/06/2017 12:48

I agree with Tazerface regarding kissing giving you the fanny gallops.

IMO while being in a relationship doesn't stop you being attracted to other people, it should stop you from doing anything about (unless you have agreed otherwise).

In this case it's particularly shitty to deny it when it has been witnessed, and make your own daughter out to be liar.

Winniethepooer · 27/06/2017 12:53

What woild you do Op?

Ultimately its a crap way for a partner yo behave but you wouldn't end a marriage over a drunken kiss... surely?