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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i cancel trip because of other mums?

39 replies

Helpwhatshouldidoplease · 26/06/2017 10:38

Hi,

I am due to go on a school trip with my DC who has SEN. I caught a group of other mums talking about him and now it's put me off going. I felt so angry, I just don't want him to be centre of attention for their judgement and gossip should he struggle and get upset on the trip. The other kids have said he's been pushing them but I asked the school and they havent seen anything, he has full time 1.1. she said all kids push anyway it's how they learn etc but i feel like he's being gossip about, I can't describe it. I told one of the mum's about his diagnosis and she's obviously told everyone else.

I do suffer from social anxiety and depression so I don't know if I am oversensitive. Wibu to stop him going on the trip? He has no idea what's happening anyway.

OP posts:
Afreshstartplease · 26/06/2017 10:43

Bless you op it sounds hard

I would still go. TBH if you don't they'll probably gossip about why not

PinkHeart5911 · 26/06/2017 10:43

Will he enjoy the trip? It may be a nice treat so no I wouldn't stop him going. Why should he miss out?

Honestly forget what you heard them saying in this life people like someone to talk about and people with sad lives and nothing better to do with always judge you for something.

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2017 10:45

All kids push? How old? I would expect toddlers to be learning not to do this. Maybe he has pushed. The TA has not dealt with this and the child has complained.
I wouldn't want to stop a child going on a trip. Talk to the school.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 26/06/2017 10:45

Go. Let them see your ds has a fab dm. . They might have second thoughts about bitching. .
Your ds needs to go more than your need to stay away. .

Toffeelatteplease · 26/06/2017 10:48

I'd be putting in a complaint/concern about the one to one.

No all kids do not push anyway and I would be very worried that a one to one with this attitude wasn't very helpful for a SN child.

No I wouldn't pull the chided from the trip. I would be very concerned that DS isn't getting the right support in school.

Original poster
Helpwhatshouldidoplease · 26/06/2017 10:53

I just don't want him to be the subject of gossip and everyone looking at him. They are all very cliquey but I've said hello to them before and was fairly friendly with one of the mum's.

It wasn't the one to one who said about kids pushing. Was another ta who I spoke to this morning.

OP posts:
Babbaganush · 26/06/2017 10:54

The reality is that if they are going to gossip then not going on the trip isn't going to stop them anyway.
The only reason I would cancel the trip is if it was in the best interests of my child - if not then everyone else would just have to suck it up!!!
(mother of a child with ASD and sever learning difficulties)

Coddiwomple · 26/06/2017 11:02

If your child pushes another child hard enough for him to remember and mention it to his parents, then of course said parents will talk!

If you feel your child will benefit from the trip, not only you shouldn't cancel and punish him, but more importantly you should go too to keep an eye on him.

SmallDancingDays · 26/06/2017 11:16

If you're stressed about the trip and don't think you will be able to relax then it's ok to cancel because your stress will affect how your DS feels about it too.
However, I'd also arrange a meeting with the school. If one TA seems to be corroborating that your DS is pushing yet his one-to-one told you that he wasn't, then you need to get to the bottom of it. Pushing isn't acceptable at all and you need to be able to trust the information coming from the school and that your DS is getting the correct support.

Notknownatthisaddress · 26/06/2017 11:17

I would cancel it yes.

Bitches. Angry

Coddiwomple · 26/06/2017 11:19

very mature and helpful attitude Notknownatthisaddress

Squishedstrawberry4 · 26/06/2017 11:22

The TA didn't see him push. However he still could be pushing other children. Her eyes won't be on him 24/7.

It is horrible to think of your child pushing someone else but the best response would be to support your son to be kind to others. Yes friends may have discussed the pushing with other friends but that's normal. It's such a small issue in the big scheme of things. He's not committed financial bank fraud or knifed anyone!

It's normal for a small minority of toddlers to push and a small minority of reception/year 1 and SEN children. Pushing is often developmental and a passing phase.

I think you should go ahead with the trip. I think your son will enjoy it. You can observe his behaviour in groups and talk to the quieter mums on the outside/edges of the group.

Also this friendship group will be made up of women who have various different problems - family/health/work/SEN/domestic abuse/death/stress possibly. They will have full and busy lives, they won't have time or attention for a push from a child. Yes they might briefly support a friend whose upset about pushing incidents.

Original poster
Helpwhatshouldidoplease · 26/06/2017 11:22

No his non one to one said he hadn't been pushing and his one to one also said he hasn't. Yet one of the kids says he has. His non one to one said all kids push anyway, and said a lot of them do but she hasn't noticed him pushing and he's been really good (tbf he used to snatch loads and throw and they always told me about it and got it under control).

I will be going on trip as will all other parents. It seems like ds has been singled out as there are definitely kids that kick punch etc as I've heard teachers telling parents about them.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 26/06/2017 11:26

If your child is looking forward to going on the trip and wants to go, then go and ignore the gossipy mums. He shouldn't have to miss out.

When you say the other mums were talking about him - was it very negative talk? If so I would speak tot he head or his teacher about it - the fact that their gossip has made you feel like withdrawing from the trip is not on. (Are any of these other mothers going on the trip? - If not then they are irrelevant, if they are then maybe it will be a chance for you to educate them a bit about your son's needs.)

Rainbowqueeen · 26/06/2017 11:29

Flowers. Parents of SEN kids need to develop really thick skin.

I would still go on the trip if you think your child will enjoy it.

Sadly there is always gossip in the playground but there is usually only a small minority who will focus on being mean to a particular child because they haven't left high school behind. Everyone else just doesn't want to rock the boat.

I hope you and your DS have a lovely time

Coddiwomple · 26/06/2017 11:32

Some schools take the view that they are not "allowed" to discuss a child with anyone else than their parents, so no-one is really supposed to know that a child has SN. If a child is blind, it's pretty obvious, but in other cases it really is not. How are parents supposed to know their kids are being bullied or not?

innagazing · 26/06/2017 11:34

I'd be inclined to talk calmly but directly to the parent you heard talking about your child pushing. Tell them you overheard her and that you're concerned to hear that your child is pushing another, especially when he has 1:1 support, presumably to support his learning and manage his behaviour. Ask her when it happened and how often etc and then you can discuss it with the school in terms of having had reports from other parents that it is happening on a regular basis (if indeed it is a regular basis). It will make your boy unpopular with other kids if he is allowed to push others, so you need the school to intervene in this behaviour, for his sake as much as any others.
Go on the trip and observe how he is with other children, and also how the TA works with him. Try to forgive the parents you overheard and be on friendly terms with them- it may be beneficial to have them on side in the long run. Don't assume that the parent who you told about the diagnosis has gossiped as if your ds has 1;1 support it would be obvious he has sen . I hope the situation improves.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 26/06/2017 11:36

Maybe you should have asked the mother (once alone) what happened. Tell her you overheard but had not been informed of any incidents despite asking the TA.

It's normal to talk to good friends about your child being hurt by another. it doesn't mean you and your childs actions will be observed under a microscope! It might mean they keep an eye on the victim and your DS when close together in order to prevent reoccurrences
Go talk to the teacher and work out how he's doing socially. Support him to integrate and be kind. Help him build friendships.

Notreallyarsed · 26/06/2017 11:36

I've had this experience many times, it's as if they need to have an "outsider" to bitch about to make themselves feel better. Incidentally it's usually the mothers of kids who go round doing as they please and causing uproar that tend to bitch ime.
OP please don't let them intimidate you into cancelling the trip, you and your DS haven't done anything wrong. If your confidence isn't up to it, is there a teacher/TA you could speak to beforehand and could help reassure you?

Original poster
Helpwhatshouldidoplease · 26/06/2017 11:36

He doesn't know, he doesn't understand. He's such a lovely timid boy it makes me so sad people talking about him.

Got to go pick him up now feel so nervous I've been working so hard on my social anxiety this has put me back so much.

OP posts:
CrazedZombie · 26/06/2017 11:41

You shouldn't cancel.
Some kids are easy targets. 😢 I'd take the word of the one-to-one over a random
Child.
The word push is too vague. It can mean an accidental bump through to someone being knocked over. If it's the first type then it happens all the time. Kid is in line and takes a step back then accidentally bumps into person behind etc

Squishedstrawberry4 · 26/06/2017 11:41

You need to accept that he possibly has been pushing people. Two adults haven't seen him push. Doesn't mean he's not pushing.

Notreallyarsed · 26/06/2017 11:41

OP he sounds like a lovely boy, and you sound like a lovely mum. Both my boys and possibly DD have autism and I also have anxiety and panic disorders so I fully understand how you're feeling.
Massive handhold for you Flowers

Notreallyarsed · 26/06/2017 11:43

You need to accept that he possibly has been pushing people. Two adults haven't seen him push. Doesn't mean he's not pushing

And if he has, the way to deal with it is to discuss it with school, not stand in the playground bitching with your friends and making OP feel like shit.

Stopnamechanging · 26/06/2017 11:45

Horrible women, if there is an issue, they should speak to the school rather than gossip in a playground.