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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how DSD can handle this friend??

33 replies

K1092902 · 25/06/2017 22:53

DSD has just turned 18.

She has been friends with a girl for nearly 3 years. She has been really good to DSD as she moved here from London at 14 when her DM passed away.

This friend (let's call her Lucy) has recently broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years. DSD tells me she does stalk him a bit on social media and will ask her to drive past his house etc to wave to him.

She has really clung to DSD. She says her other friends have ditched her so she feels really sorry for her but at the same time finds her a bit suffocating. She will want to come with DSD to see other friends, want to see her every night after work etc.

DSD has had texts off her saying she is suicidal etc and she wants to kill herself and she doesn't know what to do.

I have told her to block her number and not let her contact her and if she comes to the house she will be told DSD isn't here

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 25/06/2017 22:56

Can yout contact her parents? She needs adult help.

figandvanillacandle · 25/06/2017 22:58

I wouldn't just block her Hmm

What's wrong with a kind message - 'Lucy, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. I'm always here for you but I'm so not an expert in these matters so I'm frightened about making things worse for you without meaning to. Can you call the Samaritans? It's 116123, text me, let me know how it went xx'

GreenTulips · 25/06/2017 22:58

Blocking is a bit harsh!!

Maybe start off slowly disengaging - out with a friend phone switched off - not home - reduce seeing her once a week -

Send her samaritins phone number

Wolfiefan · 25/06/2017 23:00

She needs to try to get this person to seek professional help and limit her engagement. Don't be available 24/7. Make arrangements that don't include her. She can't be expected to stop a threatened suicide or be the only support system.

PinotAndPlaydough · 25/06/2017 23:01

Really? You've told her to block the number of someone who is suicidal and is reaching out for help?
If this girl did do something how do you think that might impact on your dsd, she would feel awful.

This girl sound ill, she needs help not to be ignored. I understand that it might feel like too much for your dsd to handle but this is where you step in and take control. Either contact the girls parents or if they aren't around call the police and ask them to do a welfare check.

RedHelenB · 25/06/2017 23:04

She's 18 and an adult. Has your sd asked for your advice?

Malfoyy · 25/06/2017 23:04

You want to block the potentially suicidal friend? Confused

How do you think DSD would feel if she actually did harm herself?!

Being a real friend is sticking around when the going gets tough and helping the friend even if it's a PITA at the time.

Take a step back yes. Block - and make the poor girl feel even more rejected - no way!

I'm really glad you're not my friend OP. Talk about fair weather!

stella23 · 25/06/2017 23:06

Block her, seriously hope you dad never needs a shoulder to cry on

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/06/2017 23:09

Block the number????? Do you have a heart made of solid stone???? I'm going to assume I didn't actually read that, and that you want to help a vulnerable young woman

Are the kids in an educational setting? If so, there should be a school counsellor or similar.

If not, make sure the girl goes to her GP

Be of good support to your daughter, so she can support her friend.

nuggetofchicken · 25/06/2017 23:09

Block her?! How cuntish. I hope your daughter never feels low enough to feel the way her friend does. It shouldn't be her responsibility to fix all her friends problems but she should at least try and be there.

Xmasbaby11 · 25/06/2017 23:11

Do not block her! Limit her, sure. Encourage her to seek professional help.

Original poster
K1092902 · 25/06/2017 23:14

SD has come to me for advice because this girl will literally ring her 20 times and message her on Facebook several times until she responds. She was out with friends from her old school in London last night and this girl was messaging her about every detail of where she was and what she was doing. She also asked SD for money to go with her.

I do fully understand she is mentally ill but she is suffocating my SD in a way

OP posts:
allowlsthinkalot · 25/06/2017 23:17

Omg, this has to be a wind up?

This person has been a good friend to your dsd and now she is at rock bottom your advice to DSD is to block her and cut contact?

Why would you do that?

What's wrong with you supporting DSD whilst encouraging her friend to seek professional help, whilst reassuring her that she has support from her friends as well?

Bloody hell.

Original poster
K1092902 · 25/06/2017 23:18

SD is chilling in the bath now and I've just gone in with a brew and she is being hassled to go and pick her up when she needs a chilled night (she's had a mega few weeks finishing exams and her birthday) but feels guilty.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/06/2017 23:18

So she needs to set some boundaries. Not always be available. But she can't just abandon this poor girl. This is clearly someone in need of proper professional help.
Your DD isn't suffering more than the motherless and suicidal teen. HTH

allowlsthinkalot · 25/06/2017 23:18

And your advice is to block her rather than encourage dsd to set some boundaries around the support she can give?

eatingonlyapples · 25/06/2017 23:24

How does your daughter feel?! Is this girl her friend? Does she want to cut contact entirely or does she just want to tone it down a bit?

The poor kid is reaching out. She's feeling alone. For god's sake don't tell your daughter to block her. Let your child make her own decisions on the matter, but provide support. The resources other users have given for her friend are a good start. I hope Lucy is okay.

228agreenend · 25/06/2017 23:31

You can't block. However, dsd needs to learn to say No. for example, for tomights text, just reply " it's not convenient,", then ignore all other calls. Limit future replies to one or two a day. Ignore the others.

LauderSyme · 25/06/2017 23:36

Wolfiefan The OP is speaking of her step-daughter not her daughter, and I think it is her step-daughter who lost her mother, not the suicidal friend.

OP, I understand why you have advised DSD as you have. She does not have the resources to help this girl. It doesn't sound as if any 18 year old would have. She sounds incredibly needy and obsessive.

Bubblesagain · 25/06/2017 23:36

Blocking is incredibly harsh, she's needing help and yes she's looking for it in the wrong place as it's so intense but to block someone clearly crying out for help is awful, figandvanillacandle's message is a good one, sign post her to agencies/helplines that can help

AlmostAJillSandwich · 26/06/2017 00:02

Blocking is the absolute worst thing she could do, and shame on you for suggesting it!

I've been Lucy, i was struggling with severe OCD and depression, had no physical friends as i had to drop out of highschool early due to my illnesses plus i was badly bullied, my mum had died, my sister was also ill with the same illnesses and was in hospital after almost dying from rare side effects of her meds, and my dad was depressed due to losing my mum and almost losing my sister.
I had only one person i could rely on, my at the time long distance boyfriend, talking to him was the only thing that calmed me down and gave me a short break from really severe suicidal feelings. He was incredible and he saved my life every single day. If he had just blocked me then that almost certainly would have pushed me over the edge to attempting suicide as he was the last desperate hope of a future i had to cling on to.

He actually did similar to what others are suggesting. He offered emotional support, but he took time for himself too, which i respected, but he did have to be gentle yet firm with me explaining his need for space because i was so hyper sensitive to my own feelings and what i felt i needed to survive, i was kind of oblivious to his without meaning to be.

If she is genuinely in crisis, she is probably also in panic mode, doesn't want to be alone, is desperately clinging to your DSD as her only support. She's acting unreasonably because she's scared. DSD, if she's willing, needs to try to calmly reassure her friend that she is there for her, but she can't dedicate her life to supporting her and needs her own space/a break from her sometimes. Encourage her to see her GP for possible referral to psychology services and to try some medication, and try to also encourage her to seek out online forums to do with any hobbies she has to try to meet other people she can build friendships with to give DSD a break and ease up the pressure.

DonaldStott · 26/06/2017 00:55

Block her is the worst advice ever. A pp said up thread about saying she can't help but is here for her. Any way she could help her get some professional help, or urge her to talk to her parents.

Nikephorus · 26/06/2017 11:45

Definitely don't block, and steer her in the direction of counselling or something - DSD can legitimately say that she doesn't know how to help and that Lucy needs proper help. But DSD can and should take a step back, for her own sake. It's not fair on DSD to have to put up with her 24-7, to be expected to answer every call, every request for company, every demand to invite her along. She's only 18 - she can't be expected to provide a full-time counselling service. Lucy needs to sort herself out and she won't do that unless she's basically made to because it can be easier to carry on feeling crap than actually taking action, particularly if you feel crap enough and everything is tough to motivate yourself on. Her parents need to be told, or someone else professional. But you can't dump it all on another 18 y.o. or she'll end up with problems too.
When I was a bit older (23 prob? and living alone) I was struggling massively with depression. I'd get through the working week but then fall apart. Every Friday evening I'd ring one friend and be thoroughly despondent down the phone. I didn't expect her to invite me round or cancel her plans, but I'm sure she was sick of me anyway. One Friday I rang and her mum answered - she told me that my friend had already gone out but I heard my mate in the background telling her to say that. I didn't say anything, just said goodbye and that was it. I felt like crap, but it did make me realise that I couldn't carry on like that. What would have been more help in hindsight is if she'd nagged me into getting counselling (I did eventually), and not just endured my gloominess. That did neither of us any good.
Could OP have a chat with Lucy?

RhubardGin · 26/06/2017 11:59

Your DSD is 18 for Christ sake. Tell her to put on her big girl pants and deal with this situation herself.

I agree with a PP who suggested sending Lucy a nice but firm text.

BarbarianMum · 26/06/2017 12:08

Wow Rhubarb

I would have been totally clueless as to how to handle this properly at 18 and qould have needed some advice.

I agre with other posters OP. You're dd needs to encourage her friend to seek professional help and support and limit (but still provide) support herself. And if she receives a text saying friend is suicidal she should alert the emergency services immediately.