Synonym for bellend?

[BottleBeach]

I need to express how much I despise a man who is an arrogant charlatan. I can't use swear words. Come on MN- hit me with your best insults!

Dammit, this was supposed to go in chat.

Helmet.

Purple Helmet
Cheesy pink mushroom - just made that up!

Laughing my head off at cheesy pink mushroom! Although it maybe seems more of a metaphor?!

Perhaps synonym was the wrong word... I'm going for something that expresses what an utter waste of space he is, but without making my grandmother think of penises

Spineless little fraction of a man (said in an Irish accent ala Nicole Kidman in far and away)

Vile penile pustule?
Scabbed erection end.
Crusted Scabbed foreskin.
Cunting fuck nugget?

You are a supurating boil on the arse of humanity

Try some of these

Odious, contemptible little man

Utter nincompoop?
Twit? (Close enough to twat to sound satisfying )

Find Piers Morgan on Twitter. That will be the easiest way to do this

Especially CUMBERWORLD

Are you looking for a more genteel word for a grandmother who you don't want to shock? (Sure she's never heard such words before? She's lived a long time....)
Tosser
Loser
Waster
Layabout

Excellent resource- thank you iklboo

Patricia I love fraction of a man - did you make that up?

I liked fopdoodle!

Spineless little fraction of a man is excellent. Dripping with contempt.

Dobber. Walloper. Will hopefully think of more and come back.

Bawbag!

Damnit just RTFT. Apologies. None of mine are okay for your grandmother to hear.

No, doesn't need to be genteel millifiori - she's a broad minded woman! I just love cocklodger etc and wanted something similarly creative...

You elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog!

user1471517900

monkeysox - I'd love to hear you when you're swearing!