To think "no I won't pay for your car"

[CheeseOverload]

Me and dp have been together for 4 years, we have 1 dd, when we first got together I was working, after I had dd I stopped an have been a sahm up until a month ago, whilst I was at home I was never given money for any of the bills I had in my name but in the past he used (credit card, catalogues) so I've ended up owing money but finally now able to pay it back.

Out of those years he took me once shopping for a few bits of clothes, I ended up wearing the same clothes. It was really shit, constantly having to remind him to pay the rent etc.

Anyway since I have been working he's asked me to buy him a PlayStation, new trainers, saying he's going to buy a van because it would be cheaper on fuel but knowingly chose a car that rinses petrol. His car is playing up and I just know he's going to ask me for money for it.

When really I'm just thinking all those times I lived in the same shit and worrying about debt letters coming through I want to clear them all and treat myself and daughter not start spending all my money on stuff for him!

Am I being selfish? As we do live together but since I've started working it's like let's get this let's get that, I'm not earning 100's a week either.

I'd be paying to see a solicitor.

Why are you together? He doesn't sound very nice (to put it mildly) and you don't sound like you like him very much!

You're a couple with a child. All income should be pooled. Being a sahm IS a job. You were looking after HIS child and presumably facilitating HIS career. What a total arse.

All household income should be pooled to pay bills and what's left is savings/spends organised how you like.

If this isn't to his liking then I'm sorry but you need to get out of this 'relationship'.

You've got yourself a cock lodger. The more involved you get, the more he will take you for.
The over riding mantra of the cock lodger is what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own.
Get out, do it now, because if you have children with him, he will quite happily see them go without and accuse you of wasting his money.

Ahh sorry you already have a child. He's already depriving her of funds then to fund his own lifestyle sad
Advice still stands. He will only get worse.

Bollocks that should be not sad

Of course you're not being selfish! I hope you didn't buy him a playstation!

You're not selfish, OP.

How are the finances split now?

You should both have equal spending money once bills/rent/baby stuff/food have been paid.

thank fuck you're not married to him!

get rid - he's a man-child and using you as a cash cow.
he regards your assets/earnings as joint - but his belong just to him?

what are his redeeming qualities - and don't say 'he looks after dd'

Does your DP work as well? And if so are you earning the same? The way DH and I do it is we have a joint account for household bills, car stuff, insurance etc. and then personal accounts where I get child benefit and child tax credits and he gets working tax credits. It works out that we have roughly the same amount left at the end of the month in our personal accounts as I tend to do the bulk of the food shops (I get more money from CB/CTC than DH gets in WTC so it covers extra spending). We are both sensible with money so spend what we want on personal stuff, trips out, clothes shopping etc. but we'll discuss big purchases (anything over say £50). Could you and your DP not have an arrangement like this? Does he have access to his own money that is for personal use or is he reliant on you for any purchases he wants to make? Also presumably you'd get use out of a car and PlayStation should you choose so could you not view these as joint expenses?

Once you have children money ought to be pooled in a fair way.
I can't believe he was happy to let you go without while you raised his child and bear debts he had helped to run up.

Well he's set the scene hasn't he?
If I were you id pay a set amount reach month representing a proportionate share of rent, bills, childcare costs etc and keep the rest for your own personal use. Every time he asks, remind him that he shared fuck all with you.
Or better still dump the cocklodger.

If he didn't pay for you, then you shouldn't pay anything for him. You should also leave the idiot - he was clearly abusing you financially when you were a stahm

Don't say he's a good Dad either.

Good Dad's don't treat the Mother of their children like this and expect the children/family to go without while they buy boys toys/new vans.

Why are you with him?

MissWitch that's a good plan for normal people, but I can't see someone like OP's DP suddenly going 'oh that's a good idea, I've been an abusive fool and this is much fairer' and changing his attitude.

I'm a SAHM so not relevant to your current situation, but we just have all joint accounts and spend whatever from that account. Have a separate joint account which bills are paid from. This would continue if I get a job, only we'd have more money going in, obvs.

Just re-read your post ... are you saying you bought him a car??!! Also, as you saying that some of the bills are in your name (assuming utility bills etc?) so he leaves you to pay them?

Does this person work? What does he do with his income?

You need to do one of two things ... either lay down the law as far as money is concerned and make sure he contributes his full share of everything including utility bills and child care costs ..... or .... better .... get rid and go your own way. What a waster!!!

This is not a relationship , it's two individuals who sleep together and share a child , leave now and get maintenance off him . Is this really how you envisage spending the next x number of years .

YANBU, pay off the debts first and foremost, then treat yourself and your DD.

Are you being selfish? No. He is.

When we first got together he mentioned us sharing a bank account, then when I mentioned it after we had dd he didn't want one and couldn't say why, now surprise surprise he now wants one!

He mentioned about getting a savings account which we could both put money into each week, he gets around £800, depending on how many hours I work i'd get £400 ish, he said about putting £200 each into a savings account every week, I said to him how is that fair?

I haven't brought him a car no, the one he has atm is playing up and I have a feeling he's going to ask me to pay for it, since I started working he changed to getting paid weekly to monthly too when he bills coming out weekly. I get paid weekly.

We fell out last week, I said to him I'm fed up I can't be bothered with this anymore, we ended up making up and he says how recently since I started working I've changed and easily said for him to go, I said why do you say that, he said because you've got your own money now.. and that just made me think

FFS - just... what the hell? I'm so tired of reading these posts and getting angry at these hideous men.

OP - please re-read what you've posted - what would you say if a friend told you this stuff? He's awful, using you and it's just not okay. Please think about leaving him if he won't properly share money with you.

You have a family - all of your money should be pooled, bills paid and the excess split so you don't have to reduce yourself to asking for money from him.

You and your DC are worth so much more than this.

Do not 'share' an account under any circumstances.

have a joint account where you both put a proportional amount in for bills and keep your personal money separate.

Get paid into your personal account.

LTB

he gets £800 a week and he can't buy his own playstation?
leave him, he's been financially abusing you for years