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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too much to ask my Nanny?

36 replies

wilky23 · 19/06/2017 20:39

My mother lives in a care home local to where I live. I see her once a week, sometimes on my own, sometimes with one or both of my kids (DD7 & DD4) - depending on how well behaved I think they're going to be, (once she believed they were so badly behaved that she asked not to see them until I had "sorted them out" - in their/my defence they were tired and didn't want to go but she had insisted we visit).

I work 3 days so have a nanny. My mum told me she wanted my nanny to take the children to see her after school once a week - she didn't ask, she told me! I thought about this and I'm not comfortable with asking my nanny to take them - she takes them to after school activities but I think this is different and not appropriate.

I have told my mum this, cue tears and being called mean and having a general
bashing about what a teeeible mother and daughter I am. Apparently everyone else she talks to thinks it's a great idea. To which I said it's for me to decide and it's not something I agree with.

AIBU? Am genuinely keen to understand what would you do in my shoes?

OP posts:
brummiesue · 19/06/2017 20:41

Why can't you just take them on one of the other days you are looking after them?

villainousbroodmare · 19/06/2017 20:42

Ask the nanny. See what she says. Might be fine.

JustHereForThePooStories · 19/06/2017 20:42

Surely if the nanny has them for three days, and you have them for four, it makes more sense for you to take them?

MrsDustyBusty · 19/06/2017 20:42

Is she asking for the nanny to visit with the children because she thinks the nanny will be able to coax better behaviour than you can?

olympicsrock · 19/06/2017 20:43

I think in the circumstances that it would be better if you supervised their visits. It is a lot of pressure for your nanny. And once a week is a lot. My 5 year old swims once a week and perhaps has a play date another night. Anything else is too much on a school night. I think the answer is 'no that doesn't work for us '.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 19/06/2017 20:43

YANBU, it's a bit awkward for the Nanny. Can't you just take them on your day off?

AddToBasket · 19/06/2017 20:44

I can't see the problem?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 19/06/2017 20:45

No of course the nanny shouldn't take them.

That's your remit. Does your Mum have dementia?

WellErrr · 19/06/2017 20:45

Why does she want the nanny to take them?

Believeitornot · 19/06/2017 20:46

I do think this is a problem. I have a nanny and this is not part of her job description IMO.

YoureNotASausage · 19/06/2017 20:48

Will your mum be respectful to your nanny? Have they met?

Ask the nanny what she thinks but my nanny would be totally fine and competent to do this.

CMOTDibbler · 19/06/2017 20:49

I think its asking a lot of your nanny. Maybe if your mum was in a care home because of physical impairment, but was mentally bright, had a good bond and relationship with your dc so the nanny was really just there to deliver the children then they'd chat/play happily with granny it would be OK, but it sounds like she'd have to work to keep things going.

PovertyJetset · 19/06/2017 20:50

Not appropriate!

CheshireChat · 19/06/2017 20:51

Has your nanny met your mum and do they get along? How would your mum treat her?

My mum's a nanny and she was perfectly happy to take the kids to one of the grandmas or for her to visit so maybe ask her and see.

Though your mum sounds quite challenging and the kids don't seem keen in which case it's up to you to take them IMO.

Floralnomad · 19/06/2017 20:51

Your mother sounds like quite hard work and I don't think you should inflict that on the nanny . I also don't think you should make the dc visit if they don't want to .

Gemini69 · 19/06/2017 20:51

I do not think it's appropriate for your Nanny to take your children to see your Mum in a Residential Care Home... Your children are far too young to be able to sit and converse with your Mum for long..

it's a recipe for disaster..... and unfair on your children's Nanny .. and your kids....

Jamhandprints · 19/06/2017 20:54

I think it's fine to ask the nanny if she is a mature, competent person, but only if you want the kids to go. It's your decision. How about a one off rather than a regular thing?

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/06/2017 20:57

You only visit your mother once a week yet you live close to her care home and only work 3 days? That sounds a bit harsh on your mother. Is there a back story to this?

I know everyone is different but we used to visit my elderly grandmother every day. Even when I'd moved a long way away from home, when my father was on holiday so couldn't visit her (and I was 250 miles away), I'd call her every day for a chat. It meant the world to her. Even though calling/visiting could be massively inconvenient for the us, we did it because it made a difference to her. At no point since she's passed away has my father or I ever said "I wish we'd visited her less".

It is unfair to ask the nanny to take your children to visit. Why can't you take them? And why can't you visit more than once a week? I know it's easy to say but as someone who lost her mother over 20 years ago, I would give anything to be able to visit my mother. You don't always realise what you have until it's gone.

harderandharder2breathe · 19/06/2017 20:58

I think you should stick to taking them yourself, I agree with a PP that your mum sounds hard work. It's not for her to tell you what you're going to do.

I think grandma, grandkids and nanny is a tricky dynamic, because grandma is family but nanny is responsible for the children. The children are too little for nanny to just deposit them with your mum, and she doesn't sound particularly involved in their lives to be able to engage them without you there to guide things along.

I don't think it's neccessarily wrong to ask the nanny to take DC to visit their grandmother. I just don't think in this situation it's a good idea, especially as you can take them yourself on a different day.

Original poster
wilky23 · 19/06/2017 20:59

I do see her on my days off but it can be inconsistent which day, combo of kids. When I didn't work I took her out every Friday. My youngest daughter was younger and would happily sit in her lap (my mum is in a wheelchair). Now she doesn't want to sit and wants to walk and holding her hand whilst pushing my mum has become fraught and dangerous. So my mum instigated a rule that she no longer wants to go out with me and my younger daughter. So we have to go and see her if I take the kids. I don't have any child free time on my days off.

So this is her way of trying to see the kids regularly and yes I expect she thinks they are better behaved for the nanny than me Hmm

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 19/06/2017 21:11

Your Mum doesn't get to dictate when you and the kids visit. You are an adult and the mother of the children, you decide when you and the children go to see her.
If I were the Nanny I wouldn't feel comfortable with going to see her. She sounds very bossy and controlling.

Ceto · 19/06/2017 21:14

Given that your mother's behaviour seems to be unpredictable, you clearly ANBU. That's not something a nanny should have to deal with.

SleightOfHand · 19/06/2017 21:15

You only visit your mother once a week yet you live close to her care home and only work 3 days? That sounds a bit harsh on your mother. Is there a back story to this? Oh come on, lets not start guilt tripping people FGS.
OP, I don't think it's appropriate for nanny to go. You'll have to put your foot down with your mother, she sounds like she wants to dictate, you do what suits you and your children, if your mother was in her right mind she wouldn't want to cause you all this worry.

Billben · 19/06/2017 21:25

If I was your nanny, I would say no. Your mother doesn't sound like a very nice person and your nanny shouldn't have to put up with her.

Believeitornot · 19/06/2017 21:29

Your mother sounds a bit manipulative to be honest.....