Too much to ask my Nanny?

[wilky23]

My mother lives in a care home local to where I live. I see her once a week, sometimes on my own, sometimes with one or both of my kids (DD7 & DD4) - depending on how well behaved I think they're going to be, (once she believed they were so badly behaved that she asked not to see them until I had "sorted them out" - in their/my defence they were tired and didn't want to go but she had insisted we visit).

I work 3 days so have a nanny. My mum told me she wanted my nanny to take the children to see her after school once a week - she didn't ask, she told me! I thought about this and I'm not comfortable with asking my nanny to take them - she takes them to after school activities but I think this is different and not appropriate.

I have told my mum this, cue tears and being called mean and having a general
bashing about what a teeeible mother and daughter I am. Apparently everyone else she talks to thinks it's a great idea. To which I said it's for me to decide and it's not something I agree with.

AIBU? Am genuinely keen to understand what would you do in my shoes?

Does she think your nanny is Mary Poppins & will produce perfectly presented, perfectly mannered DGC to her?

Personally, I think it's your job not the nanny's. YANBU to say no.

If you have a good relationship with your nanny, I think it would be OK to ask her without putting any pressure on her. Then if she is happy to take your DCs, try it out without committing to anything. You never know, it could work out well.

I do think this depends on the relationship your mother has with her GC, really. They are pretty young to keep a conversation going on their own, if your mum can't do much with them independently, so then the nanny becomes responsible for making the visit work/conversation.

If it's a case of 15 minutes on the way to/from somewhere else, just a quick casual "dropping in" with no pressure to stay for a long time that could work, but otherwise probably not.

If you feel uneasy about it I think that's your answer, really.

Just ask the nanny what she thinks? Making it clear you're seeking her opinion not demanding that it happens. She might be fine with it. If she hesitates then you'll know you need to back off.

Well if it's now dangerous, then it makes sense to not go out with your mum & the kids anymore.

How does your mum get on with the kids?

If it would be a case of them doing an activity together-puzzle/colouring/game then it might work with nanny in the background. If she expected your nanny to sit & entertain her & the kids, then not so much!

You could broach it & see how she feels?

You only visit your mother once a week yet you live close to her care home and only work 3 days? That sounds a bit harsh on your mother. Is there a back story to this? Your comment sounds a bit harsh on the OP, especially when you go on to say you know everyone is different.

Was your mother always this difficult?
If there is history of this nastiness then I say fuck her do as you please
If sympathy is appropriate, still do as you see fit

I'm a nanny and I would have no problem doing that.

Are you saying that your 4 year old can't walk alongside you pushing a wheelchair? Children change quite quickly, just because this was the case a while ago doesn't mean it's always going to be that way.
Can you try to train your DD to walk sensibly so that at least you can go to the park with granny? I must say I would be giving my 4 year old a very hard time if they couldn't behave to that extent, it's not an unreasonable expectation.
However, it strikes me that you are a bit overwhelmed by it all, is there anyone ( maybe the nanny) who could sometimes go with you when you visit to help look after DD? And then sometimes look after her while you visit alone or with older DD? I do understand that cooping up a 4 year old for any length of time in a care home is going to be fraught. Do you have a DP/DH who could help?
Keeping special,planned activities for DD to do while she's there might help, some sort of drawing/puzzles/ story to read with granny, and even then, keep visits short.
It's clearly important to your mum that she does see DD regularly, but equally important that things are manageable for you.

If your children actually want to go, then I think it's reasonable to ask the nanny, and pay any extra petrol expenses she incurs. Sounds like you and your mother don't get on well, so it might be a more pleasant experience for your children to see your mother on their own (with the nanny, I mean).

Would your Nanny end up being responsible for entertaining and amusing your DMum? What would happen if your Nanny and your Dmum didn't hit it off? I think it sounds like a really big ask and your Nanny might feel that she has to agree, even if she is really uncomfortable with the whole idea.