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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Housework - is this fair or aibu?

30 replies

User14346741 · 31/05/2017 18:37

So at the moment DP and I split all bills and housework 50:50. We both work full time. No children. Rent (saving for deposit) and have been together 4 years.

My full time is a standard office 9-5.30 37.5 hours a week job, with occasional UK travel every 2/3 months for usually no more than 2/3 days. I earn UK average for this.

DP's full time can be anywhere from 40 - 60 hours... probably more around 45/55 to be honest. He's quite senior in an Operations role so can generally pick when he wants to work. As long as everything gets done and he's there for the important meetings and such. He earns almost double what I earn.

As I mentioned everything is split down the middle however DP usually spend more on meals/ evenings out than me as he has quite a bit more disposable income.

Recently I've noticed I've been doing a lot more of the housework and he's leaving things which I then do as I don't want it all piling up.

I'm thinking off proposing two different solutions to this problem. Either he needs to buck up and commit to do 50% of the housework. Or, if he thinks he can't commit to this then I'm happy to take on more of the housework at home and we pay bills on a proportion of our salary.

Is that really unreasonable? I don't mind doing more housework but don't think it's 'fair' that I end up doing about 75 / 80% at the moment and still paying 50% of all the bills

Or do I sound a bit precious?....

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 31/05/2017 18:40

That sounds fair to me, so long as you're happy to take on the extra housework as "yours".

Original poster
User14346741 · 31/05/2017 18:44

Yeah I don't mind being responsible for say 75% of the housework, I usually have a couple of hours in the evening when it's just me. I just get a miffed when I'm also paying half the bills with my lower salary AND ALSO doing 75%. Just wanted to check I wasn't sounding 'grabby' before I mention it this eve

OP posts:
Kokusai · 31/05/2017 18:46

I wouldn't take on the extra housework as you're setting yourself up for a life of domestic drudgery. I'd ask him to pay for a cleaner for 3 hours a week since he doesn't have time to do house work himself any more.

Underthemoonlight · 31/05/2017 18:47

To be honest he is doing more hours so I think you could do more housework especially if he's getting in late and divide the money so you have the same amount of extra money for your own use.

oblada · 31/05/2017 18:47

Seems perfectly fine. You have more time but you earn less, he has less time but earns more, to me it should all be 'pooled' together (time and money) for the best use of the couple. If it was me I'd do more of the housework as more time but all finances would be shared anyway so I would 'benefit' from his higher income in a similar way to him 'benefiting' from my extra disposable time if that makes any sense...

Underthemoonlight · 31/05/2017 18:48

Or get a cleaner

XiCi · 31/05/2017 18:48

You should be paying bills as a proportion of your salaries regardless of housework surely?

dun1urkin · 31/05/2017 18:48

We pay joint expenses pro rata to salary (I earn 60%, DH 40%)
We pay for a cleaner out of this and so split the housework 0/0 Grin

dun1urkin · 31/05/2017 18:49

(No DC)

Squishedstrawberry4 · 31/05/2017 18:52

Yes either get him to pay for a cleaner/gardener or put in proportionally for bills and you do the a larger proportion of the housework. Either way you both need to clarify what domestic chores are his.

Whosthemummynow · 31/05/2017 18:52

He works 20 hours more a week than you...so I think, honestly, that should should pick up the slack on the housework.

Akire · 31/05/2017 18:53

Sounds more than fair, what if you worked extra 2-3 h a night got to keep all extra money and by default he had pick up 80.% of housework. That is what he is doing.

If he earns more than double I would expect him to pay slightly more rent. For example if your half of rent is 70% of wages and his is 35% that really dosnt give up much to enjoy. F however it's 50% to his 25% that's more managble.

Is he generous with his extra money? Or do you strictly pay only for your own things?

Applesandpears23 · 31/05/2017 18:54

I would delink the two. I would allocate bills in proportion to income. I see housework as totally separate.

Kokusai · 31/05/2017 18:54

What would you want Op if your DO was working both longer hours and also earning less?

Because it isn't always more hours = more pay.

Groupie123 · 31/05/2017 18:54

Historically DH always earned more and so he paid all the bills and expenses and I saved my salary. We still split household chores equally though.

I'm going to end up earning more than him though within the next few years, but dh wants to keep paying bills. So my salary will continue to be saved. No change to household chores- I think they should be split regardless.

limon · 31/05/2017 18:56

I dont think you should get in to a scenario where he's essentially paying you to be his domestic servant.

The two issues are absolutely seperate.

He should clean uo after himself and bills ahould be paid proportionately, but these are seperate issues.

Don't have kids with this man for goodness sake

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 31/05/2017 18:56

I don't think you should take on the extra housework. I think if he has plenty of disposable income that he should pay for a cleaner to pick up his slack as once he sees those jobs as "yours" then if circumstances change he would be unlikely to take them back on again. Plus, why should you have to? You work full time as well!

Also I think your bills need to be distributed more fairly, so you each pay the same percentage of your earnings, so if he earns double of you then you should pay a third or bills and he should pay two thirds.

Akire · 31/05/2017 18:57

If it was all family money it makes sense for OP to do most housework if she's home more than and everyone is busy working for joint good at same time. But in this case she working home for
Benefit of both he's working extra at work solely for his own benefit.

Original poster
User14346741 · 31/05/2017 18:57

Great thanks for the advice. I know this is mumsnet (so I probably shouldn't be posting as no children!) But I couldn't think where else to get a non biased opinion from multiple people.

To be honest we've only been together 4 years and my DP has a poor credit rating so wouldn't be looking at 'combining' income or joint accounts.

Yes the other thing ideas thinking was perhaps a cleaner so I think I'll mention that too.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 31/05/2017 18:57

My full time is a standard office 9-5.30 37.5 hours a week job

DP's full time can be anywhere from 40 - 60 hours... probably more around 45/55

^ this is your answer - you have considerably more free^ time than he does. If I'd worked a 55 hour week compared to your 37.5, I'd be pretty mardy that I would be expected to start emptying cat litter trays whilst you sat on your back side leafing through a womans weekly.

Relationships are partnerships. You each pull your weight accordingly.

acquiescence · 31/05/2017 18:58

It sounds like he should contribute more financially, for example, you both contribute 50% of your salaries to a joint account. He will still have more disposable income than you but at least it might feel a little fairer.

picklemepopcorn · 31/05/2017 18:58

There are a few good solutions on here. Yours is good.

What is not good is the status quo- he is too busy and important to do his share. Even more important to tackle this before you have children or get married. His attitude needs a rethink.

e1y1 · 31/05/2017 19:00

I think the arrangement you have at the moment is pretty ok - bills split and DP covers more of the "treats".

He is working anything up to 25 hours a week more than you, so I don't see the problem in you picking up more of the housework.

Akire · 31/05/2017 19:06

He may work 25h more than her but he keeps all this extra money for
Himself. She may spend 20h week doing everything at home and gets no reward whatsoever how is that fair?

BackforGood · 31/05/2017 19:06

Just to throw a slight spanner in the works...... do you both have the same 'standards' or idea about what actually needs doing ?

If I lived with somebody who does some of the ridiculous amount of cleaning that I see on some of the housekeeping threads I would expect to do half of what I considered necessary. If they chose to do lots of things that I thought were OTT, then I wouldn't necessarily expect to 'up' the amount of housework I do. The 'extra' would be their choice, IMO.

Generally, I do agree that if one has a much longer commute or works much longer hours, then it makes sense that the other does more housework, and can't see any fault in the higher earner putting more into the household account either. A cleaner seems an unnecessary expense for 2 adults living together if they are trying to save for something. Don't get me wrong, at my stage in life, I love my cleaner, but I do consider it to be a luxury.

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