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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DD was mean and didn't care...

30 replies

Notcool1984 · 18/05/2017 14:29

At soft play. DD nearly four bumps into another girl from her nursery and they play well. Then (and I witness) my DD refusing to share and then shouting in the face of the other little girl who was left visibly upset. I took my DD off the soft play told her off and spoke to her, trying to get her to show empathy towards the other girl, who was left in tears. To my horror my DD was laughing about this and refused to say sorry. Where have I go wrong? What should I do? WWYD in this situation? Take her home? I am worried I am too soft :(

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/05/2017 14:46

shes four. I dont think its anything to worry about just yet x

flibberdy · 18/05/2017 14:51

Nothing to worry about just yet I'd say but she's old enough to understand immediate consequences so I would have left soft play straight away telling her it was due to her behaviour. Firm, fair, consistent.

thethoughtfox · 18/05/2017 14:53

Remember laughing is often a coping mechanism for stressful situations for wee ones.

PodgeBod · 18/05/2017 14:55

If she was laughing and refused to apologise when told to I would have made her leave. But I wouldn't worry too much about her being mean or not apologising off of her own back, just keep reinforcing kind behaviour and she will get there.

brasty · 18/05/2017 15:01

Does she generally show a lack of empathy? If yes then encourage her to think about how others feel. Show and talk about when you feel empathy with her. read her books that encourage her to think how others feel. Some children learn this skill naturally, others need a bit more encouragement.

Pinkheart5917 · 18/05/2017 15:04

If she had refused to say sorry I would of been taking her home.

4 is old enough to understand you do not push or shout at others. Maybe later tonight another chat about how we don't behave that away and making someone cry is not funny?

Quartz2208 · 18/05/2017 15:05

She is 4, its a normal response. You need to reinforce and teach her that her age appropriate response though is not the right one. As the PP said encourage her to think how others feel, explain why it is wrong and if she refuses leave. She will learn, its your place to teach her

Pinkheart5917 · 18/05/2017 15:06

*to understand that you share and do not shout at others. No idea where I thought the pushing come from sorry

YoloSwaggins · 18/05/2017 15:07

Don't tell her off - that won't really make her to understand why it was bad.

Say stuff like "Look, she's upset - imagine if someone bumped into you and hurt you?". Get her to see it from the other girl's side. One of my vivid-est memories is when I was about 2-3 and started picking leaves off a houseplant, and my mum didn't tell me off, but said "you know that it's alive and it's hurting? Imagine if someone started pulling bits off you?". I was so upset but it kind of did the trick. (I still feel bad when I have to pick herbs, lol!)

TheMysteriousJackelope · 18/05/2017 15:20

It isn't unusual for a little child to laugh when they are embarrassed.

With my children I didn't force them to apologize as they just end up learning that they can do anything and as long as they quickly say 'I'm sorry' afterwards that fixes it. It doesn't. Instead I'd point out that the other person was upset and ask them what they were going to do to make them feel better. The effort of having to fix a situation is way more than some little apology and they learn it's better to avoid hurting people than having to go through a whole rigmarole later.

Usually I'd take them home straight afterwards. They were usually nice at that age (apart from to each other), so being horrid showed they were either tired, hungry, thirsty, or coming down with something.

CircleofWillis · 18/05/2017 15:21

I have a little beast one the same age who flips between empathetic angel and potential psychopath on a daily basis. I really wouldn't worry too much about the laughing. Instead I would model the behaviour I would want to see. e.g. "Oh no poor "Una" is crying. She looks really upset. Sorry Una, don't cry. I'm sorry I didn't share". Don't worry if she doesn't copy you but you are giving her the appropriate language and way to act in the future. I would also give her a warning and if she continues to act in that way, take her home.

MrsJayy · 18/05/2017 15:30

The laughing is as PPs said your Dds awkwardness at the situation taking her out id for the best, what you can do if you see her doing it again is give the other child attention ask if they are hurt etc and say you are sorry then say to your own Dd that they are hurt/sad say sorry

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/05/2017 15:32

One of my DDs was hideously lacking in empathy at 4, I was really worried about her, she'd go out of her way to injure/maim/upset.

She grew out of it (now a lovely teen), don't worry too much, she's very little still. Just explain, and remove from the situation, as others have said.

MrsJayy · 18/05/2017 15:32

I work with 3/4 yr olds your little girl isn't rare they all have their moments try and not dwell on it

DarkFloodRises · 18/05/2017 15:34

As others have said, don't expect too much from your DD at this age. Empathy for others takes a while to develop. You did the right thing to point out that the other girl was upset. I would have made my DD apologise, and if she carried on refusing I would have taken her home (after a warning - "apologise to the other girl immediately or we are going straight home").

barrygetamoveonplease · 18/05/2017 15:34

Occasionally, I was mean at that age. What people overlook is how very annoying other children can be. One can be quite irritated by them, even as a four-year-old.

MrsJayy · 18/05/2017 15:45

Thing to try and do is try and find the parent and apologise they will appreciate it.

SnowinApril123 · 18/05/2017 15:49

Reading with interest, I have a child on the opposite end. My DD is 2 and very sensitive and generous, she gives away whatever she's given and is easily upset. We went to a music group and the lo's had to hold hands, DD held out her hands to a lo next to her and the little girl turned away and held another childs hands, she burst in to tears and sobbed. We went to a party recently and she kept having the toys she was playing with snatched away from her and she didn't put up any fight to either hold on to them or get them back.

RubyWinterstorm · 18/05/2017 15:55

She is still a baby

Not a big deal

My son would sometimes bite kids at this age! He is now a super calm boy.

MrsJayy · 18/05/2017 16:07

Aww snow your little girl is very young bless her she will learn to negotiate these situations

user1andonly · 18/05/2017 16:16

Occasionally, I was mean at that age. What people overlook is how very annoying other children can be. One can be quite irritated by them, even as a four-year-old.

Agree with this!

'Share' can sometimes really mean 'give me that!'

Also, some children cry more easily than others (either genuine tears or future oscar winners) which can result in the one who isn't crying getting the blame when really it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other - not saying that's what happened here but something to be aware of.

I don't think there's much point in making a child say sorry if they're not - perhaps tell her, if she can't share, she will have to sit with you for a few minutes and then, if she still won't, you'll take her home. Then stick to it.

My dd was an absolute maniac at this age - she's lovely now (17)!

user1andonly · 18/05/2017 16:19

Actually that's unfair! She could be a bit of a maniac in certain circumstances, but was also lovely a lot of the time!

MrsJayy · 18/05/2017 16:20

Dd1 now 24 and quite pleasant at 4 used to say NO it is mine and actually stomp her feet it was so mortifying she said loudly at soft play once I am not ready to go yet you will have to wait

drspouse · 18/05/2017 16:23

My DS (5) often laughs when told off - it is indeed really irritating! We explain how the other person feels, and try and explain that, though normally when he laughs people think it's fun and laugh with him, this isn't going to work here.

I'm pretty sure he knows what we're trying to do as he's started to model saying sorry/excuse me instead of pushing/giving things nicely/asking instead of grabbing, to DD who is 2! He definitely has empathy, just doesn't always feel like showing it.

KindraLamb · 18/05/2017 16:25

She's just a kid. :) It happens to me too. But I learn to shrug it off and apologize on their behalf. It is different though when the kids are much older like 10 years of age.

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