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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you got strong or don't give a shit?

48 replies

SilverdaleGlen · 17/05/2017 21:30

AIBU to sort of admire strong people and think I need to become one.

I mean in the sense of putting their own needs/emotions first, not giving a shit about confrontation or others feelings?

I'm strong in terms of still being standing a few years down a long horrendous track but am incapable of just saying "do you know what, I want X Y Z and I do not really care if that hurts you" and then really not caring.

So if you genuinely don't give a shiny shit AIBU to ask for your guidance oh wise master of fuckoffsville?

OP posts:

bungle99 · 17/05/2017 21:31

i need to know the answer to this too

Flippetydip · 17/05/2017 21:32

Please don't become like that - it's not an attractive character trait to not give a shit about anyone other than yourself - seriously it's not!

In terms of not worrying what people think of you, that's a slight different thing - that's called getting older I think.

happypoobum · 17/05/2017 21:34

I would disagree that strong people don't care about others feelings and only put their own needs and emotions first.

I wonder if you are confusing being assertive with being aggressive?

If you think you have a tendency to be a doormat, then look up an assertiveness course near you. Putting boundaries in place works really well. When someone suggests something you don't want to do, like babysit your nephew Saturday night, then you just say, "Sorry no I can't do that." If they ask why not you just say you have plans. If they ask what plans you say private plans.

Can you give some examples of the sorts of situations or conversations you want to deal with and I am sure others will be able to help you.

ChickenBhuna · 17/05/2017 21:35

Age definitely helps , as does realising that if someone dislikes you then they probably always will! Nothing much you can do to change that so why bother?

I'd say the trick is to be someone you actually like , have clear boundaries and always treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.

anotherpoisonprince · 17/05/2017 21:36

I just kept going. It was really hard.

SlB09 · 17/05/2017 21:38

I dont personally think this is an admirable trait. Assertive yes, plain rude and dismissive no. Giving a shit is a positive thing!! Just don't let it be to your detriment.

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 17/05/2017 21:40

It's currently to my detriment

OP posts:

happypoobum · 17/05/2017 21:42

You're going to have to explain better OP.

When I think of someone really strong I think of someone like Nelson Mandela. I wouldn't say he thought only of himself and didn't give a fuck about other people, would you?

If you can explain what's going on I am sure wise mumsnetters will be able to help.................

Intransige · 17/05/2017 21:44

I can stand my ground and prioritise my own needs if I have to, but I definitely do care if I hurt someone. It would be a bit psychopathic not to care about hurting someone.

1stDinkyDecker · 17/05/2017 21:46

I never put myself first, it's not doing me any favours with my mental health

lurking for tips

OnlyaBitStressed · 17/05/2017 21:46

Eckhart Tolle'

Wheredidthebackboobscomefrom · 17/05/2017 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheredidthebackboobscomefrom · 17/05/2017 21:52

Sorry wrong thread

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 17/05/2017 21:52

It doesn't seem as if the people in my life care as much about hurting someone as they do about themselves.

So work example there is a project I categorically think is wrong to do "x" way. Person in charge "do it x way", me no that's the wrong way "gives totally rational reason, part of which is making my job 10x harder than it needs to be", person in charge "yes I get that, now do it x way". WTF?

Person wants something, suffers with MH issues. I give everything I have (physical and mental), they take and take but if I can't do anything I worry too much about their MH. Then says "well I never asked you to care" well how the hell am I supposed to not worry/care?

Whereas friend "Y" is totally focused on herself, quite happy to be "honest" do what suits her, she seems happy as Larry and no one ever challenges it.

I just don't want to care. I want to be the one saying "I want" "Do this"!

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 17/05/2017 21:54

Where ??

Who is Eckhart Tolle, I just googled but...

OP posts:

TupperwareTat · 17/05/2017 21:55

For me it was age.

TalkinPeece · 17/05/2017 21:57

In a work situation .....
You are not your job.
Do what is right, say what needs saying.
If they will not accept it, another employer will

On a personal level ......
do not be a hypocrite
do not be two faced
say nothing rather than sucking up to people

Mindfulness and meditation any yoga help a LOT

PacificDogwod · 17/05/2017 21:58

You have to find a way to love and value yourself enough to look after yourself.

It's not about putting your needs over anybody else's and not giving a shit, it's about recognising that YOUR needs/wants are as valid and important as THEIRS.
It's about recognising that you CANNOT be everything for everybody all of the time.
It's about recognising that you can only do your best for others if you also do your best for yourself.

It's not either/or IME - if I look after myself I am also more resilient to stress/demands/stuff going on.

Assertiveness is NOT aggression.
But learning to say 'No, I cannot do that' - not 'Oh sorry, i'm really busy, it'd be really hard, oh well, ok, I'll do it' and not 'Fuck off, you entitled twat' has changed my life.

Recognising you can only do one thing at a time, and only one thing WELL if you get time to do it in.

Love yourself, warts and all, value who you are, what you are, celebrate your strengths and work on your weakness - lots on online assertiveness tools available. Have a google.

MoodJuice, MoodGym, MoodScope are all quite good.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 17/05/2017 22:01

Age. And tiredness. I just don't have the mental space to care so much and fret over relatively minor stuff. I guess I am more focused and aware that life is short? It doesn't make me a horrible person (surely there is a balance between my needs and others people's) but I'm definitely more focused. If you are not going to try and pursue your own happiness now, then when?

This is probably the only upside of having children who are rubbish sleepers

happypoobum · 17/05/2017 22:01

Example 1. You follow up with email to manager, "Just to confirm our discussion where I outlined that doing the project X way will incur extra costs of approx £y due to additional man hours of approx Z hours. I have proposed that if we use Strategy A we could avoid this problem, but I understand that you wish to proceed using strategy X. I will provide a progress report by date."

Example 2. Who is this person? Unless they are your child then no, you absolutely should not be "giving them everything I have, physical and mental" Why did you choose to do this? Did you feel responsible for them in some way? Why? They obviously don't appreciate it at all and you need to stop/distance yourself.

Example 3. How is she focused totally on herself - what does that look like to you? Doing what suits her doesn't sound at all bad to me. If she is neglecting DC or abusing anyone then that's not good, but you're just saying she lives honestly and is happy.

I hope this is helpful.

tammytheterminator · 17/05/2017 22:02

I have but it's more to do with honouring myself and doing what is right for me rather than pleasing other people. It's not a fuck you attitude.

I had a horrible situation a couple of weeks ago with regards to an upcoming event I was really dreading. I wrestled with it for days as I'd already accepted. In the end, I just had to send my apologies. I felt truly awful about it as I was letting someone down big time but I knew it was the right thing to do for me. The person concerned was quite unpleasant. Part of the reason I declined was that I thought he was going to be difficult. I guess my biggest fear was confirmed.

You just need to be true to yourself. You don't have to be mean, rude or aggressive to achieve that. More alongs the lines of, "No sorry, that doesn't suit. How about this?"

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 17/05/2017 22:03

Talkin harsh, shit Intry not to hurt others, not to suck up and be a hypocrite.

Pacific that really resonates thank you, I don't actually want to see others hurt, but destroying myself to appease them is indirectly hurting everyone/thing does that make sense? I will google thanks. How/when did you change?

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 17/05/2017 22:03

Oh gawd, yes, age helped tremendously!

Middle age rocks.

e1y1 · 17/05/2017 22:03

The feeling of that I am no better, nor no worse than anyone else.

What right does someone have to make me feel like shit? Why are my feelings less important theirs?

Of course, they don't and they're not (and vica versa). But my feelings are mine to look after, and theirs, their own.

Now, this probably sounds like I am an out and out bastard, which isn't true; there is a difference between being an all out nasty piece of work and a doormat that will end up breaking you.

DJBaggySmalls · 17/05/2017 22:05

Being repeatedly fucked over did it for me. I went for assertiveness training and counselling, then CBT. I've never regretted it.

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