To ask how you got strong or don't give a shit?

[SilverdaleGlen]

AIBU to sort of admire strong people and think I need to become one.

I mean in the sense of putting their own needs/emotions first, not giving a shit about confrontation or others feelings?

I'm strong in terms of still being standing a few years down a long horrendous track but am incapable of just saying "do you know what, I want X Y Z and I do not really care if that hurts you" and then really not caring.

So if you genuinely don't give a shiny shit AIBU to ask for your guidance oh wise master of fuckoffsville?

For the work example, are they telling you what to do or how to do it? If the latter I would just tell them thanks for the input and you will consider the best way to achieve the outcome. What and when are valid management requirements. How is only necessary if someone is new (or incompetent). Unless the way they want it done achieves a different outcome?

For the personal example, I try not to give more emotional involvement than I can bear to lose. Give in the expectation of no return. If it's more than I can lose in terms of my own sanity or energy levels then I back away and put up some barriers. Age has definitely helped with this. I know I can't fix the world (or indeed much at all). It doesn't mean I try to be selfish, quite the opposite, but I know my limits.

silverdale
Did not mean to sound harsh.

I get asked the question a lot at work because I'm known for being both thick skinned and sympathetic.
Its about the courage of convictions.
Being ready to apologise if proved wrong
but not to dwell on it.

Self preservation
Getting older was when I got stronger
Then , I realised that putting myself and my family first was what mattered
So I did what I had to to make our lives better
It's bloody hard work , mentally and physically
But , if I can do it , anyone can

I think recognising that I was raised and socialised to please, be accommodating and helpful and considerate to others even if it was at my detriment, helped.

And also the sudden realisation that when I said 'no' to something, the world did not end and on the contrary people might take me less for granted.

It's a process.
And its not about being 'nice' or 'nasty', but about proper 'self-love': not liking everything about yourself as you are, but loving it anyway. Just like you would a naughty child

I find it really interesting that the commandment says 'Love your neighbour as thyself" - you can only love somebody else properly if you also love yourself (btw I don't have a religious bone in my body, but these insights are ancient and transcend religions).

Think of someone famous who you think is utterly lovely: kind, fun, good qualities, anything positive in your eyes.

Now google them. There will be a hundred feckers all over the place saying that person is annoying or wet or lightweight or whatever.

The point is, once you realise it is impossible to be liked by everyone you start to accept that you won't be liked by some people and that's just the way it is. So fine.

I don't think it's an 'either' 'or' situation. I can still make a choice to put my needs first whilst also caring how that's impacted the other person, or upset them or whatever. But as others have said, I think age has helped with this. Also not having time/space to worry so much about what others think. I also have realised I'm not responsible for others' feelings, I'm just not that important. I know what my priorities and boundaries are. I don't always find it easy to assert myself and stick to my boundaries, I can feel 'mean' or uncaring but I've learnt from experience that I do have to sometimes do or say things that may/may not upset others. That doesn't mean running roughshod over others' feelings/needs but recognising my own feelings and not betraying myself. Hope that makes sense.

You cannot control others emotions - that's their responsibility
Others cannot control your emotions - that's your responsibility
You cannot control what people feel, think or gossip about
Just because it's important to you doesn't make it important to others
Just because it's important to them doesn't mean it's important to you

This doesn't mean empathy, caring, love, nurturing can stop
It means you have a solid platform from where those things can radiate

I find the words in the serenity prayer useful for thinking through emotionally challenging situations and focusing on whether I can usefully do anything or need to accept that I can't. I'm not religious but it makes good sense :

^God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference^.

The worst thing that could ever happen to me happened, it's hard to give a shit after that.

And also the sudden realisation that when I said 'no' to something, the world did not end and on the contrary people might take me less for granted

Yes to this. I know it's horrible but it's also true that when you make yourself a doormat people walk on you. Over the years I realised that saying no is not a crime and that there are times when my needs are higher up the list than someone else's. Honestly Op you are allowed to limit how much of yourself you give to people who don't appreciate you. And actually even to people who do appreciate you!

Since I became less accommodating and put my own boundaries in place I have honestly found that family/friends/colleagues generally don't take me for granted (well, most of the time).

"I am 100 percent responsible for the results that I get."

This is the understanding that changed how I approach things.

If something is shit in your life, it is up to you to either figure out a way to fix it, or stop engaging with it.

If your manager cannot accept a strategy for a project that would save time and money without compromising outcome, you can improve your communication about the benefits of your approach until it makes sense to them; you can do the project your way and wear the fallout (or possible congratulations when you prove that your way is better); you can decide that the job is more important to you than being right and just get on with it; or you can look for a new job.

One way or another, you are now making a choice based on the recognition that you're in control of your life. You're not doing something because you have to. You're doing it because it is the best choice for you. That's very empowering.

For the person who is asking for support, you decide how much you're prepared to give without undermining yourself, and then you draw the boundary. It's like the old principle that before you loan someone money (or an item), decide whether it's going to bother you if you never see it again. If it's going to bother you, the request is beyond your capacity to fulfill, so you have to draw a boundary. If someone who wants something from you objects to the boundary you have laid down, then it's their problem, not yours.

I just realised I'm a very sensitive soul and I need to look after myself and protect my feelings.
I'm assertive in order to do this.
I reckon it's age to be honest. Plus the realisation that I'm not going to be here forever. Age makes me cut to the chase. I've never been scared of the word no.
Oddly enough, I was brought up to be a people pleaser. It never did me a jot of good in my youth, 20s and 30s. I could see that and just thought " Why protect and value their feelings over mine? If I don't protect me, no one else will! "

Unborn [hugs]

I do what I like. If it's in my interest and benefits me then I do it. If it doesn't or I don't want to do something, I won't. Nobody can push me to do anything because I say no. Guilt trips don't work because I don't care. I don't worry about others or care what other people think because it's pointless.

I have good manners, I'll be friendly and smile at people but there's nothing that could get me to bend over for someone. You can present as nice and lovely without being a doormat, you need strongly defined boundaries and be prepared to block to anybody who tries to cross them.

Age - More life experience showed appeasement not only not working but actively making things worse, so I stopped doing it.

Big bad thing happening - this made me see that the world did not stop when I couldn't do stuff, that people still loved me even when I said no to everything, and that small stuff is just that.

Making a decision to choose happiness after the big bad things.

Being more aware of the stuff about accepting what you can't change, and that you can control only your own actions, not anyone else's.

Lots really, but I'm ever so glad to have got to this point. Saying no is like a super-power, and not being concerned about whether someone likes me is an invincibility cloak when in tough meetings dealing with belligerent pseudo-bullies.

They have no power over me any more. Mwah hah hah!

'You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have'.

Life experiences for sure.

I've become this person recently. I have always been polite to a fault, I've always felt that putting my needs behind others meant I was thoughtful and caring, that people would naturally gravitate towards me, and my life would be the better for it.

I actually found myself used by a lot of people. About six months ago I thought, fuck it. I'm going to show myself some appreciation, understanding, and do what I need to do for me. Everyone else takes care of themselves, I should do the same. I'm by no means rude or obnoxious but I am clearer about my boundaries and what I expect. Things are going better, I'm happier and I Iike being around people more because I don't put myself out as much.

Only child. It goes with the turf. Well that's how DW explains how I got this way.

Thank you all, definite food for thought

Don't try to learn how to be a shitty person.

Avoid it as much as you possibly can

Weirdly it happened after I left an abusive relationship. I'm not recommending that by the way! But it made me realise how often other people take advantage of others or play games. I had a friend call me heartless because I suggested that the bloke messing her around then booty calling her was just a dick. I'm not heartless. I care deeply and I am capable of putting DH or family or friends above myself when appropriate but I am also aware that I have to take care of myself first and can recognise when someone is taking the piss. I protect myself. Eg with the work situation I'd do the follow up email to cover my arse then get on with it or look for another job.

You can still care but put your own needs first. At the end of the day if you don't take care of yourself then you don't have anything to give to anyone else.

It's healthy to set boundaries and limits with people and situations in life. It takes a long time to not over think it when one of those limits or boundaries upsets another (they always will... boundaries and limits mean saying NO is necessary and many people do not like being told no).

I used to struggle with this same thing. I had people in my life who would take and take and take even when I would try kindly as possible to tell them "I don't have any more time, I'm very busy, I am unable to do XYZ.. " they would act overly dramatic and upset when they weren't able to have their way with me. I'd always feel so guilty about it as if I'd done something wrong by just living my life. Eventually I snapped and finally started saying NO with little explanation. I learned NO is a complete answer too. When you explain your reasons people are great at debating them, even though it's non debatable. If you have reasons for saying no or backing off then your reasons are valid, because you have a right to decide what that is for YOUR life.

You'll feel guilt saying NO for a while if you're typically an "appeaser" like I used to be, but eventually you'll see that saying no to others means you can start saying yes to the things you really want out of life.

Unborn