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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my "friend's" wedding...

48 replies

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 11:49

I have a school friend who I fell out with for a few years. It was all quite silly stuff and when I got back from living overseas, I got back in touch with her. I saw her a few times and invited her to our wedding and she also made it to my hen night.

Since our wedding (1 October 2005), I have not seen her once, she never came to visit after ds was born in February 2006 and, despite vague suggestions of meeting up after I returned to work, she always cancelled.

Her hen night is on the first bank holiday in May and we're already going away. She is actually getting married on 25 May - the Friday before the second bank holiday - and I am in two minds about whether to go. I feel like I should because she came to ours, but don't really want to because it's not a current friendship and I have to take holiday to look after ds when he is ill, so don't want to take holiday for a wedding.

I emailed her today, saying that I might have a work commitment on her wedding day anyway and to ask her whether we could bring ds and she said no we couldn't because her other half (who I've never met) has lots of children in his family and could we let her know one way or other asap (we got the invite last weekend!).

Anyway, I'm now really p*ssed off and now don't want to go and don't even want to buy her a wedding present. What do you think I should do?

OP posts:
FoghornLeghorn · 15/03/2007 11:51

Dont go and don't buy a gift, I wouldn't

fireflyfairy2 · 15/03/2007 11:51

What's it got to do with her other half having lots of children in his family? Unless it's a childfree wedding & she doesn't want his family to get pissed off if you bring ds when their kids aren't there??

JackieNo · 15/03/2007 11:52

I'm confused - why can't you bring DS if there are going to be lots of other children from her other half's family. You'd think that would make it easier.

CODalmighty · 15/03/2007 11:52
SoupDragon · 15/03/2007 11:53

I think you're being unreasonable in being p-ed off. You don't want to go anyway so what's the problem? Just don't go!

Original poster
Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 11:55

The problem is that she made it to both my hen night and wedding, so I feel that I should go even if I don't really want to...

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 15/03/2007 11:57

Except you've not seen her since and she's made excuses not to meet up!! Chances are she's invited you because you invited her and feels she ought to. You dont have to go

CODalmighty · 15/03/2007 11:57

god no
wedindg what wanky wank

bozza · 15/03/2007 11:58

I think the point is that she is already forking out for loads of kids and doesn't really want to pay for one she has not even met. I can see where she is coming from there. I would not feel pissed off. If it is too much trouble for you to go, don't go, but it would seem a bit mean not to send a gift.

bozza · 15/03/2007 11:59

Not a vastly expensive gift of course - £20?

chopchopbusybusy · 15/03/2007 12:02

It sounds to me like the friendship is already over whether you go to the wedding or not. I wouldn't go but I would probably send a small gift.

LilyLoo · 15/03/2007 12:03

I would stick with the work excuse but send gift.

Original poster
Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 12:03

Dh says we should go... I think was irritated me was this demand that we let her know asap when we've only had the invite for a couple of days. But dh made the point that she is trying to organise a wedding and that is no mean feat. So now I'm thinking maybe I am unreasonable to be pissed off about that.

Good point, Bozza. I guess I was a bit put out that she has never bothered to come and see ds, but I can see that she wouldn't necessarily want a baby she'd never met at the wedding... It's just we let all our friends bring their children and there are a fair few children in dh's family.

And Soupdragon, you're probably right that she wouldn't be that bothered if we didn't go, so maybe it's not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be...

Food for thought - thanks for comments...

OP posts:
sandcastles · 15/03/2007 12:04

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me....

I wouldn't go & I wouldn't send send a gift either.....

bozza · 15/03/2007 12:19

She sounds slightly bridezilla, but not a really bad case to me. Hence the demand to let her know. The sneaky part of me, wonders if she would like to invite somebody else if you are not going.

mylittlestar · 15/03/2007 12:29

do you want your friendship with her to continue? she sounds to me like a friend you could do without!

i think it's out of order to invite some children to a wedding and not others. absolutely fine if no children at all, but if other children were going to be there i'd want mine there too. doesn't matter that she hasn't met you ds - she WOULD HAVE if she'd have got off her arse and bothered to come and see you when he was born!

i wouldn't go. and i wouldn't send a present tbh.

i'd only bother with 'real' friends. who thought enough of me to pay a quick visit when my child was born!

(and don't be rushed into a decision either. i know it's difficult to plan a wedding, but you shouldn't have to reply within a few days!)

mrsflowerpot · 15/03/2007 12:29

Maybe she only invited you because you invited her so she feels obliged to reciprocate? It doesn't sound like there's much of a friendship there tbh - if you don't want to go (and I can see why you wouldn't) then decline graciously and leave it at that. Send a small gift if that makes you feel better. I don't really see what there is to get peed off about tbh.

Saturn74 · 15/03/2007 12:32

Don't go.
Send a card.

warthog · 15/03/2007 12:32

if you don't want to go, don't go. doesn't sound like there's much love lost.

Original poster
Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 12:33

Don't have a problem with her wanting to invite someone else. We sent our invites out early for exactly that reason as we were very limited on numbers (only 60 people including children).

The reality is that I can't see us resurrecting our friendship again and part of me thinks why invest the time and the money in her wedding if that's the case.

I don't have a problem with people saying no to any children at weddings and ds is at an age where I would be slightly worried about how he would behave during the church service anyway, but I agree, mylittlestar, that it should be one or t'other, not yes to some and no to others...

Guess it comes to the same thing. Either accept in the knowledge it'll be the last time I see her or decline, but I do think sending a small gift if we don't go is a really good idea.

OP posts:
nogoes · 15/03/2007 12:34

I agree with Mrsflowerpot she has probably only invited you because she went to your wedding. Send her a small gift and leave it at that.

aptamil · 15/03/2007 12:41

don't go to either wedding or hen night. be gracious and give small gift anyway...
when she has her own lo she will understand why you should feel hurt by her not visiting...
then i suggest don't think any more about it. Enjoy your holiday!

littlelapin · 15/03/2007 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hatwoman · 15/03/2007 12:44

don't agree with the over the kids thing. everyone has to limit the number of people they invite - I don;t think its unreasonable to limit the kids' invites to family only.

but to answer the op I think you might have handled it a bit badly. emailing saying you might have a work commitment but, if you haven;t can ds come isn;t the greatest way to respond to an invite - especially an invite from someone you;re not that close to. If I'd have been her I think I would have picked up a not-that-keen-on-coming vibe and might have felt a bit upset. I would assume that's why she emailed back asking for a definite answer. so she's probably a bit niggled at you and you're pissed off with her. I think you have two choices. rsvp by email and don;t go. Or call her. feathers have been ruffled all round and they won;t get smoothed by reluctant attendance at the wedding. You need to decide if you want to smooth them or not and if you co, call her. I'm not saying you need to apologise, but just that you won't iron things out unless you have the warmth (and clarity) of your own voices, the time to chat, to congratulate her on getting engaged (if that's a recent development) to catch up a bit and - maybe - explain a bit about your possible work commitment.

AitchYouBerk · 15/03/2007 12:48

perfectly reasonable to want to limit the amount of children there, and there's no reason to get cross about it because you don't really want to go anyway. she's only asking you cos she came to yours. i'd buy something for £20 and send a lovely note in the card, saying that it'll be wonderful to meet up when she comes back from teh honeymoon so you can see the pics of the big day. and you'll probably never hear from her again...

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