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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my "friend's" wedding...

48 replies

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 11:49

I have a school friend who I fell out with for a few years. It was all quite silly stuff and when I got back from living overseas, I got back in touch with her. I saw her a few times and invited her to our wedding and she also made it to my hen night.

Since our wedding (1 October 2005), I have not seen her once, she never came to visit after ds was born in February 2006 and, despite vague suggestions of meeting up after I returned to work, she always cancelled.

Her hen night is on the first bank holiday in May and we're already going away. She is actually getting married on 25 May - the Friday before the second bank holiday - and I am in two minds about whether to go. I feel like I should because she came to ours, but don't really want to because it's not a current friendship and I have to take holiday to look after ds when he is ill, so don't want to take holiday for a wedding.

I emailed her today, saying that I might have a work commitment on her wedding day anyway and to ask her whether we could bring ds and she said no we couldn't because her other half (who I've never met) has lots of children in his family and could we let her know one way or other asap (we got the invite last weekend!).

Anyway, I'm now really p*ssed off and now don't want to go and don't even want to buy her a wedding present. What do you think I should do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 12:51

Hmm. You might have a point, hatwoman. She text messaged me about getting engaged (September last year, I think) so I sent her one back saying congratulations, but I guess that's not perhaps the most personal way to handle it!! I think the fact that I've been annoyed that she hasn't bothered to come and visit ds (a first child being a pretty big event in anyone's life, imo!) has probably coloured the way that I've dealt with her and I don't think she has been particularly good either. I mean she has always be "flaky", but she did pitch up at both my hen night and wedding...

What I might do is to give her a call (she'll probably keel over with shock!) and then make a decision about whether I really want to go or not depending on how that goes. Although email/texts are great things, you do rather lose the personal touch with them...

OP posts:

hatwoman · 15/03/2007 13:00

you know what? I think you'll know within minutes of talking to her - either there will be some warmth between you - you'll both start to remember why you used to be good friends, you'll have a nice chat about how things have been. or it'll be a bit odd - with an implicit recognition form both sides that maybe the friendship has run its course.

Original poster

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 13:05

I will let you know how I get on...

OP posts:

LieselVentouse · 15/03/2007 13:08

We had a no-children wedding as well and a girl I worked with asked if she could bring her 1 yr old and I said no. I would stand by my decision then, its not something I would do now as Im more tolerant of children in my old age.

littlelapin · 15/03/2007 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wilkie50 · 15/03/2007 13:16

I had a no children policy to the day do at my wedding but had my cousin's 3 year old there and my sisters 9 month old twins as they were family and there would have been no one to look after them. All of my friends were actually pleased to have the day to themselves and then those that wanted to brought the children to the night do.

IMO, if she didn't come to see your LO then she's not that close a friend and I think a wedding is something that 'close' friends should be attending - maybe she invited you cos she feels she has to reciprocate but wants you to say no so she can invite someone else?

Original poster

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 13:23

The wierd thing is that she made a HUGE thing at my hen do and wedding about how I had to keep in touch once ds was born, etc.

The comments on this thread have made me think and I suspect the reality is that I've been wrapped up in ds and subsequent pgs, she's been wrapped up in getting married and we both think that the other one is not interested in what is currently the most important thing in our respective lives! Hatwoman and littlelapin make a very good point...

OP posts:

MadameSleepsLessAndLess · 15/03/2007 13:30

mumpbump I wouldn't stress about it. The friendship is obviously no more. Don't go unless if you don't want to. I wouldn't go if I couldn't take my dd. Send her a card & small token gesture as a gift if you feel you have too.
I agree with littlelapin that a gift shouldnt be necessary just because you are invited.
We had neighbours of ours, who moved away we still keep in touch. Invited us to their wedding last year, they had also taken into account our dd who was nearly 4 months old at the time. We couldn't go as we where on holiday. I asked what they would like as a gift & my friend said not necessary. I did send a very nice card though. I even gat a nice thank you email for the card.

Cocobabe · 15/03/2007 13:35

i had a no policy kids at our wedding , so that my rellies and friends could enjoy the day wivout chasing after the kids ! but kids were welcomed to the eve do .
Sounds like your mate hasnt been much of a mate so i wouldnt bother going ..but if u really feel that youre obliged to go , then see it as an excuse to get really dressed up and feel fab and not be mumsy , have a few drinks , some nice quality time wiv dh ...

kookaburra · 15/03/2007 14:09

Don't go. Was going to start a similar thread myself yesterday. Have just politely declined a wedding invite for the bank holiday, would have meant finding a babysitter for 1 1/2 days on a Bank holiday , as kids weren't invited. Appreciate people want a picture-book scenatio so they can pretend they are liz hurley for a day, but I would rather spend a wkend with my kids.
Not that I really get the point of fancy wedddings anyway. (A new appropriate word I have learned from mumsnet is 'poncey').We had a bunch of friends drinking champagne in our garden all day no marquee , food from Waitrose, my dress came from TopShopand all had a fantastic time - lots of kids there too. Enjoy the weekends with your kids - and send a pretty card.

littlelapin · 15/03/2007 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 14:18

So, we've now had a flurry of emails (in which I expressed an interest in meeting her dp) and we are going to meet up for dinner (with partners) in the last week of March.

I'm very glad I posted this thread. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have thought about things from her point of view and would have just written the friendship off for a second time. And she was like a sister to me at a very difficult time of my life so I think I would always have regretted it. Thanks to everyone for your input!

OP posts:

kookaburra · 15/03/2007 14:21

Lol - no , just the whole thing about being a pricess for a day and everyone has to go along with it, like extras, rather than a good old knees up that weveryone can enjoy without feeling stressed or awkward and worrying about 'etiket'

Original poster

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 14:23

I know what you mean Kookaburra. I had my hen night the night before our wedding because I didn't want my friends to have to lose two of their weekends and I was (according to my friends) very chilled out about the whole thing. Don't really get the Bridezilla thing, although I have been told they exist...

OP posts:

kimi · 15/03/2007 14:24

Don't go and don't send a gift.

fireflyfairy2 · 15/03/2007 18:35

Aw glad to hear you are meeting up Hope it goes well!!!

hatwoman · 15/03/2007 19:07

I'm really glad to hear that mumpbump. lives change and friendships shift - if the two of you can accept that you've both got different lives these days then hopefully a friendship - maybe not quite the same one - can continue.

Now I come to think of it it reminds me of a particular friendship of mine - we were very good friends as teenagers - almost too good - insperable bordering on possessive. then - for reasons I can't even remember now - we fell out. more recently we've re-established contact - we have pretty different lives now - and no friends in common. But whenever I visit my mum (she lives nearby) I call her and we meet for coffee and our kids have a play - it's not the same as it was, but very very nice. there's no pressure from either side to do more than this. but equally our past means we know we're very fond of each other and I'm so glad we didn;t let things drift too much.

I hope you have a lovely dinner

ivelostmyboobsboohoo · 15/03/2007 19:17

i wouldnt go nor would i waste my money buying her a gift.

at our wedding i invited someone i didnt see often (jusst to eve do) and they gave us a credit voucher for m&s (not even a gift vouvher!)- they had taken something back and given us the 'receipt'! still it was useful just thought it was quite funny!

BigCookLittleCook · 15/03/2007 19:32

Blimey I certainly hope none of my friends felt inconvenienced at being invited to our wedding. We had it on a Friday, which meant people had to take a day off work . Sorry, this is not directed at OP.

specialmagiclady · 16/03/2007 11:00

I'm a terrible one for feeling inconvenienced by the hassle of going to weddings/christenings etc at times that don't suit me.

BUt I always enjoy them when I go! It's just how I am, a moaner...

cathcart · 16/03/2007 11:37

Dont go! to ask you not to bring your ds is like asking you not to bring your dh - weddings are family occasions!

Megglevache · 16/03/2007 11:40

Message withdrawn

meeeeow · 16/03/2007 12:01

Sounds like way too much hassle to me. Just send a card. I have a similar relationship with a friend (or not as the case may be!) and I certainly wouldnt go!

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