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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have fallen out with my stepson

43 replies

AConcernedMum12345 · 12/05/2017 20:23

Okay it started two weeks ago when
Dh has said it is okay for dss to have 12 friends over on Saturday evening. He said to dh that it is not a party and they are just coming over for a meet up. My son is in the same year at school at it most certainly is being described as a party by stepson and his friends. All though it is not a massive group of people and our house has enough space it is not fair in my opinion on me and my children and in particular my youngest who is 6. I am concerned that there will be more than 12. When I said I'm not having an evening gathering and they are more than happy to have one during the day, dss cancelled the plans.

The weekend after dss had asked his dad for £150 to go out for the day into London. Dh said that he would give him the money. When I pointed out that it was a lot to be given for a day out and that dss would have to do some jobs to earn the money. Both my teens the same age have jobs to pay for things like days out and clothes. I see it as far that dss does some chores (he does nothing at the moment).

Am I an evil stepmother as I have been called? Aibu to think I'm not one!

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 12/05/2017 20:25

I think your problem is with your husband, not your stepson.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2017 20:42

When's your SS's birthday?

Bringmewineandcake · 12/05/2017 20:43

Yeah you have a DH problem, not a SS problem.

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2017 20:44

Would your son have been invited to join in? I agree - 12 is a party.

I17neednumbers · 12/05/2017 20:48

tbf I'm not sure why it is unfair for your dss to have 12 people over for a gathering, if you have room? It is a quite a lot, but not absolutely impossible for just one evening. I think quite a few dteen 'parties' would have 12 guests at home?

About the money, yes that seems a lot to me but different parents have different approaches, so that seems to be something to discuss with your dh. Was part of it to buy clothes or something?

Dozer · 12/05/2017 20:48

12 friends is a party!

Was this stuff birthday related? Is your DH a Disney Dad?

Dozer · 12/05/2017 20:48

£150 is a lot.

I17neednumbers · 12/05/2017 20:51

12 friends is a party, but I suppose my question is why shouldn't dss have a party? Wouldn't be unusual for a teen to have a party with 12 guests at home if there is room - it is noisy I agree, but doable.

DirtyChaiLatte · 12/05/2017 20:57

You sound a bit controlling, nitpicking and as though you don't like your SS.

Your DH agreed his son could have this meet-up at your house, but you said no because you think it sounds like a party, even though the whole family will be in the house to supervise?

If you're there to supervise then make sure it doesn't turn into a party.....even though I'm not sure what the difference between meet up and a party is.

Ragwort · 12/05/2017 21:16

Why shouldn't your DSS have some friends round for the evening (my teenager does the same though - you are not allowed to call a 'gathering of people' - a 'party' Confused)

Are you miffed because your own DS isn't part of the same social scene?

Giving a child £150 for a day in London is a completely separate issue, sounds a huge amount of money to me but obviously depends on your financial situation.

LedaP · 12/05/2017 21:21

Does ot matter if its called a gathering or a party? And why cant he do it either way?

One evening isnt fair on your 6 year old?

And you eanted plans changed based on what you son has told you has been said at school?

You and dh agree on 12 people
Your son comes home and tells you someone called it a party not a gathering
You then enforce a change in arrangments
Dss then cancels

If i were dss i would be pissed off that my plans had been changed because my step brother said its being called a party at school. And the terminology is extremely important to my step mum.

I kind of agree about the money. But the party thing sounds like you might make issues out of everything.

LedaP · 12/05/2017 21:23

And it may also be that your dh feels bad that your nit picking over terminology has ended up with his sons friends xoming round being cancelled. Because of the name of the event and because its not fair on a 6 year old.

Would teens even use 'gathering'?

Underthemoonlight · 12/05/2017 21:28

I think your out of order your DS has a strope about your dh dss having friends over and you are playing into his hands by making your dh cancel it, he is jealous. I don't see how it's unfair on the 6year old when it was agreed.

Going to London is expensive and surely if your dh can afford it out of his money that should be his decision to make unless it's coming out of family money.

Funnyfarmer · 12/05/2017 21:34

'Gathering' is definitely the word now.
Party's are for 5 year olds

FrenchMartiniTime · 13/05/2017 09:36

The problem is your DH.

He is turning your DSS into a spoiled brat.

Giving £150 to a 12 year old is not normal!

Why does your husband constantly give in to his sons demands?

KingscoteStaff · 13/05/2017 09:43

Under 20 is a gathering, apparently. And I think it would have remained quite controlled with you and DH walking in and out of the games room with pizza and soft drinks.

Happyfeet1972 · 13/05/2017 09:45

I don't think OP has said ss is 12. £150 does sound a lot but it depends on what it's for, your financial situation and whether other children are treated equally, (in age appropriate way).

However I can't see the problem with him having that many friends round. If it's an infrequent event im sure your 6 year old will be okay. and as long as there's adults to supervise I'm not sure why you're so worried about it turning into a party.

KingscoteStaff · 13/05/2017 09:46

That's shed loads of money for a day in London, unless £55 is for a Les Mis ticket, £40 is for particular War Hammer models and £30 is for his return train fare.

VerySadInside · 13/05/2017 09:50

YABU!

12 is a gathering! Especially if parents are in house defo not a party.

Very easy for a teen to have 12 friends in a group and so can't just invite 5 without causing upset. Teen boys do often seem to be part of groups rather than have one to one close friendships.

You sound a bit controlling. You're not his mother, you shouldn't make his father reverse his decisions. Once teen has npbeen told something it should be stuck to. If you have a problem with the desicions being made you need to get DH to talk to you before.

As for the money that's up to DH, you obviously have different parenting styles.

You sound spiteful, if you have the space then let him have friends round, he's not asking every week!

AgentProvocateur · 13/05/2017 09:50

It's your DP's house too. Who are you to cancel something that he's allowed? You don't say what age your DSS is (I don't think) but it's incredibly common for teens to congregate at the biggest house and "hang out". And as you were going to be in anyway, I can't see what your problem is. As for the money - yes, it's a lot, but again is it any of your business?

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/05/2017 10:08

I think you are being unreasonable tbh. It's one evening. Why do you and your dc trump dss? Especially if it's birthday related.

Not enough info about London.

FrenchMartiniTime · 13/05/2017 10:09

Sorry, I misread the OP as the DSS being 12.

How old is he OP?

Kokusai · 13/05/2017 10:22

I think you were totally U about the 'gathering'. What the fuck did you think would happen with the whole family in the house? You said yourself you had room.

GoodDayToYou · 13/05/2017 10:37

Agree with pps. I would be fine with a gathering/party of 12, with us in. But, I think £150 for a day out is excessive.

I would suggest you speak to your dh and agree a few boundaries.

witsender · 13/05/2017 10:44

Tbh, if you can afford it and have the space, and provided he allows you to treat your son the same why would you get involved in the money thing? I'm pretty sure you would be hacked off were the roles reversed.

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