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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have fallen out with my stepson

43 replies

AConcernedMum12345 · 12/05/2017 20:23

Okay it started two weeks ago when
Dh has said it is okay for dss to have 12 friends over on Saturday evening. He said to dh that it is not a party and they are just coming over for a meet up. My son is in the same year at school at it most certainly is being described as a party by stepson and his friends. All though it is not a massive group of people and our house has enough space it is not fair in my opinion on me and my children and in particular my youngest who is 6. I am concerned that there will be more than 12. When I said I'm not having an evening gathering and they are more than happy to have one during the day, dss cancelled the plans.

The weekend after dss had asked his dad for £150 to go out for the day into London. Dh said that he would give him the money. When I pointed out that it was a lot to be given for a day out and that dss would have to do some jobs to earn the money. Both my teens the same age have jobs to pay for things like days out and clothes. I see it as far that dss does some chores (he does nothing at the moment).

Am I an evil stepmother as I have been called? Aibu to think I'm not one!

OP posts:

witsender · 13/05/2017 10:45

Tbh, if you can afford it and have the space, and provided he allows you to treat your son the same why would you get involved in the money thing? I'm pretty sure you would be hacked off were the roles reversed.

AmserGwin · 13/05/2017 10:51

How old is he?

SoupDragon · 13/05/2017 10:51

I am concerned that there will be more than 12.

How do you think he was going to smuggle the extras in?

My son is in the same year at school at it most certainly is being described as a party by stepson and his friends

How do you know for certain? Just because your DS says so? How do they get on normally? Is your DS just pissed off that his step brother is having friends over?

I assume you would also ban your DS from having friends over for an evening.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 13/05/2017 10:52

So he gets to not have his friends around because it's not fair on you and your children. How very selfish. I never get why people date or marry someone with children then try and block the child out.

I hope your DH plays the same card when it's your children's birthday and stops any plans.

Upto him if he funds the London day from his salary. His child, his money, his choice,

SoupDragon · 13/05/2017 10:52

If the £150 included money to buy clothes then that is entirely reasonable. DS2 has been given that sort of money by his father to "buy and outfit" before. It's not unreasonable.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/05/2017 10:53

I assume you would also ban your DS from having friends over for an evening

That hits the nail on the head.

All though it is not a massive group of people and our house has enough space it is not fair in my opinion on me and my children

Presumably then if your son has friends over in the evening it is equally unfair?

Ethylred · 13/05/2017 11:01

Evil stepmother? Of course not, evil is a huge word.

But unpleasant, unfair, unloving... maybe so.

magoria · 13/05/2017 11:11

You and your DH are both wrong.

It is a shame for you to ruin his evening with friends. A one off with family still there to monitor and control shouldn't be a problem.

Just handing over a wadge of cash when others have to earn it is wrong though.

Allthebestnamesareused · 13/05/2017 11:13

I think you know you are being unreasonable. I don't really understand why you have said no after it had been agreed. No wonder DSS is upset if it was all arranged and his friends were looking forward to it and you've made him look like a total eejit by saying no now!! What does DH say in this? Perhaps he feels he wants to give him the £150 to make up for the fact that his stepmum is being so awful to him!

Your DS seems jealous that DSS is having his "gathering". Will he be allowed to have friends over? Does DS6 have playdates/birthday parties etc?

My DS15 had a similar gathering recently.

12 is a totally controllable amount. You ask for the names of those coming from DSS and don't let anyone else in if you are there.

My DH and I were there when DS had his and they were all very polite and well behaved - played a number of games and had a bit of chatting - and even some music and dancing (and I even noticed a couple a snogs going on in the corner of the kitchen). Every now and then I went to the kitchen (on the pretext of making myself a drink) and had a quick tidy round. They were all very chatty to me. I set firm timelines (which were adhered to) 8pm-11pm. We are doing it again at the end of year 10 exams. I'd rather they were in my house than in a park somewhere hanging out and doing God knowsw what!

I think You know you're in the wrong but trying to seek affirmation that you're not.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/05/2017 11:26

I think You know you're in the wrong but trying to seek affirmation that you're not

Yes you are in the wrong.

You spoilt the birthday arrangement. I assume the boy's father was overly- generous in giving £150 to make up for your behaviour.

Crispbutty · 13/05/2017 11:30

It doesn't mention birthday

RaggyAnn · 13/05/2017 11:31

Is he actually there for enough time to earn £150? It's not like he's full time so can do chores everyday?

The party/gathering is you siding with your son because it would be awkward for him to have 12 kids over the house from his year when he isn't invited. Not fair on DSS at all.

thesunpeeksthrough · 13/05/2017 11:33

It's up to his father how much he gives his son. I am more understanding of your reservations re the gathering: it's your home too. DH should have discussed this with you.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/05/2017 11:38

It doesn't mention birthday

Sorry, right. OP still sounds petty however.

scootinFun · 13/05/2017 11:40

You were bang out of order on the gathering front. Doesn't matter if he was calling it a party. It's a small thing and would make him happy. What are you going to do now, when your son wants one? You won't be able to agree as that would definitely be unfair. You have a point re the £150- thought it sounds like you all need to discuss what's acceptable (or not) in your family as s family.

headhurtstoomuch · 13/05/2017 11:41

Was your own DS invited to DSS party/gathering? If not do you think that's clouded your judgement that the friends will all be partying in your home when your own DS isn't invited?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/05/2017 11:56

YABU about the friends coming around. The £150 depends what the money is for.

happypoobum · 13/05/2017 12:13

There's no context for this at all.

How old is DSS?
Does he live with you?
If 16 or over does he have a PT job?
How far from London are you? If you're up North then a substantial amount of that money could be train fare.

On the limited amount of info given, I can't see why DSS couldn't have his friends round. It does sound like you feel DSS is treated very differently from DS though and that may be clouding you.

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